Jesus, does Woody Allen ever sleep?  Trivia: the last full calendar year that passed without the release of at least one Woody Allen-written movie was 1976, between Love and Death and Annie Hall. At least one movie a year for 35 years, and still had time to bang his own stepdaughter.  Now that is impressive.

Anyway, the trailer for his new one, Midnight in Paris just hit, and you’ll never believe this, but it’s about verbose intellectual white people.  From the title I assumed it was another Paris Hilton nightvision sex tape, but nope, just turgid discussions about categorical imperatives.  Opposite Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen, it stars Owen Wilson as an American in Paris who starts ditching his American wife and friends after midnight to go experience the true Parisian nightlife, which is no doubt far more fulfilling than whatever close-minded American crap he was doing before.  Gosh, I hope this is just like Eat, Pray, Love, where some rich A-hole explains the meaning of life to other rich A-holes.

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(via DailyWhat)

MORNING LINKS

Six kids who are lucky their dads are famous. |Uproxx|

Why you can’t find a job. |UproxxNews|

Top 5 Anticipated Rap Albums For 2011. |RealTalkNY|

It’s Time To Fire Brent Musburger. |WithLeather|

Winona Ryder Does Not Use Internet, Is Not A Member of Al Qaeda (Video) |GammaSquad|

‘The Simpsons’ Porn Parody Is Nightmare Fuel (UPDATE) |WarmingGlow|

Sarah Palin autographed xBox 360. |Buzzfeed|

Get your Conan O’Brien action figure with fishnet stockings. |TheDailyWhat|

Here’s a massive fight outside what looks like an AutoZone. |BostonBarstoolSports|

Spank bank: Jennie Slayton. |GorillaMask|

The Six Sexiest Mascots from Madison Avenue. |TheSmokingJacket|

8 Insane Moments From Foreign Television. |ForkParty|

The messed up origins of classic fairy tales. |Guyism|

10 midseason shows to watch in 2011. |Screenjunkies|

As long as Hollywood has Atari, they’ll never run out of ideas. |Fark|

25 people peeing in public. |HolyTaco|

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OPENING THIS WEEKEND

Unstoppable
LOOK OUT!  THERE’S A TRAIN FULL OF C4 AND SARIN GAS HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE RETARDED ORPHANAGE!  A few people have emailed me today wondering how this could be tracking 90% among top critics on rottentomatoes. I have no idea. Frotcast guests Lindy West and Laremy Legel both say it’s laughably terrible, and I’m inclined to trust them.  That said, there are few things I enjoy so much as a laughably terrible movie, so I’ll be seeing this faster than a MISSILE THE SIZE OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING.  Thanks, Professor Rosario Dawson, your awesome boobs are right again! (Side note: Commenter HohosWeKnow suggested it should be called “Train Day”, which I thought was pretty brilliant).

Skyline
Aliens invade, Eric Balfour shouts.  Actual dialog from the trailer: “What happened?” “He just disappeared!” “My God!” “Reports are coming in!” “They’re everywhere!” “He’s right!” “RUN!” “AAAAAGHHH!”  “Don’t you get it? We’re at war!”  …So yeah, what else do you need to know?

Morning Glory
Rachel McAdams’ butt stars.  Harrison Ford tells Dianne Keaton to “suck it,” though I’m not sure what that has to do with Rachel McAdams’ butt.

Tiny Furniture (NY & LA)
I haven’t seen it, but writer/director/star Lena Dunham did once interview me a few years ago before she became a famous writer/director/star, so clearly she has impeccable taste.

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"Yo girl, like, I do take yo hand in marriage... and place it on deez nuts!"

Yo yo yo, FilmDrank, ya boi C-Tate’s all up in ya biz like Cheez-Wiz, son. Forgives my abscess from this site as of late, but I been bangin’ wit dem no good hoodrats at Pajiba. Theyz boyz legit like souljas, for real… Haha, just kiddin’, right? They paid me to say dat sh*t so you’d all be like, Yo girl, C-Tate’s ridin’ durrty wit Pajiba now, so is I. But y’alls got brains for thinkin’ and sh*t , so you ain’t fall for it.

So yo, check this out – me and Rachel McAdams gettin’ hitched, right? Naw, yo, not like fo realz. I ain’t a Moron livin’ it Utah practicin’ origami, heard. We be hookin’ up for this new joint, The Vow. And I was like, Yo girl, this a movie about AEIOU and sometimes Y? Naw, it’s about the sanctitty of marriage, yo. And like, she’s all, Oh C-Tate’s, I love you and sh*t, but then she gets amnesia, probably from me rockin’ that body so hard, and she forgets all about the C-Tate. Yo girl, this some sad sh*t, like yo pit bull die.

Hey yo, if you likes it, puts a ring on it, Yahoo!:

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I’m one of those people who thinks Woody Allen has made enough influential films that he sort of gets  a pass for making just as many crappy ones.  Still, after enduring Vicky Cristina Barcelona, with it’s “‘let’s not have another turgid discussion about categorical imperatives,” and characters that wrote poetry but refused to publish it “to punish the world for its inability to love,” it took weeks to cleanse my nostrils of the smell of farts (thanks, cocaine).  Now, Woody’s back with a similar-sounding film, starring Owen Wilson, Rachel McAdams’ butt, French First Lady Carla Bruni, Kathy Bates, Adrien Brody, Rachel McAdams’ butt, and Rachel McAdams’ butt.

Today Allen announced the cast of his next film, Midnight in Paris.
The movie is a romantic comedy following a family traveling to the city for business. “The party includes a young engaged couple that has their lives transformed throughout the journey. The film celebrates a young man’s great love for Paris, and simultaneously explores the illusion people have that a life different from their own is better.”  [CinemaBlend]

Hmm, sounds a little like Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and a lot like The Darjeeling Limited in Paris.  Both films are similar in that (*dissmissive wanking motion*)  (*glances lovingly back at Rachel McAdams’ butt*)  (*actual wanking*).  Man, if I find out that’s a butt double, I’ll cry harder than when Old Yeller met the shotgun.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to have another turgid discussion with my wiener about Rachel McAdams’ butt.