Get that bitch a headbutt. Bitches love headbutts.

So many films depict their protagonists acquiring superpowers, and then go on to depict them doing something totally unrealistic with them, like helping the needy or fighting bad guys. In About Time, from Notting Hill/Bridget Jones/Love Actually writer Richard Curtis, 21-year-old protagonist Tim, played by Domhnall Gleeson, finds out from his dad Bill Nighy that he, like all the men in his family, has the power to time travel. So what does Tim do? Does he kill Hitler? Talk Mao out of the great leap forward? Cure his grandma’s lung cancer by making sure she never started smoking in the first place? No, he does what any horse-faced limey ape in his situation would do: he uses his powers to get his greasy ginger hands on Rachel McAdams’ sweet, sweet butt meat. Realistic.

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If I’ve learned anything in all of these years on this crazy spinning rock, it’s that the Internet is a place of many, many, many, many (a million times more) different tastes, and rather than try to understand them all, I should just accept most of them. That’s why when I fell into a Deviant ART wormhole the other day and ended up browsing through something called “morphs” before taking a strange turn into Fat Hollywood, I just said, “F*ck it” and rolled with it. Pun sort of intended.

I don’t really know how to describe this strange exercise in photoshop other than by pointing at the banner pic of an obese Megan Fox and saying, “That.” Basically, from what I can tell, there are a lot of people out there who appreciate the true beauty of some of Hollywood’s most famous and talented actresses, but they’d prefer them to have a little more meat on their bones.

To each his own is what I say, because life is short and we should enjoy whatever makes us happiest. At least that’s a new philosophy I’m trying to embrace these days. So I gathered some of the morphs and FAToshops (trademark pending) of my favorite gorgeous actresses so that we could all see their beauty from a new, well-rounded perspective.

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Is every movie just going to be based on/inspired by some real event?

MORNING LINKS
James Cameron puts Jack-Could’ve-Fit Gate to Rest Once and for All |Film Drunk|

‘The Simpsons’ And ‘Breaking Bad’ Mashup Finally Has The Posters It Deserves |UPROXX|

The bear in the the tutu is such a show-off.  |It Makes No Sense|

10 Things We Learned From The Season Premiere Of ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ |Warming Glow|

Aaron Rodgers Wussed Out On His Bet So We Photoshopped Him Into 49ers Jerseys |With Leather|

Has ‘Futurama’ Jumped The Space Whale? |Gamma Squad|

The Company Who Brought Us Hologram Tupac Files For Bankruptcy |Smoking Section|

The Automated Yahoo! Fantasy Football Recaps Are Hilarious |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Alison Pill Accidentally Tweeted A Topless Pic Because She’s So Totally Like Maggie, You Guys |The Superficial|

30 Renowned Authors Inspired by Cats |Buzzfeed|

5 Remarkable Things Discovered Under Parking Lots |Mental Floss|

Judas Priest are screaming for vengeance and damages over a GAP t-shirt
that rips off their most famous album cover |Fark|

Party Tardis is just what The Doctor ordered |Daily What|

Apple Coasting Keynote (with Shooter McGavin) |College Humor|

Who Should Play The Mean Girls In Bravo’s Heathers Reboot? |Videogum|

Comedian Goes Above And Beyond For Anonymous Suicidal Fan |HuffPost Comedy|

Conan Auditions Wives a la Tom Cruise |Screen Junkies|

The Eight Most Annoying Enemy Types in Video Games |Unreality|

Lindsay Lohan Is A Damn Nightmare |IDLYITW|

11 Creepiest Smiles In Hollywood (Including Dennis Quaid) |Pajiba|

Friendzone: The Video |High Definite|

Ten Foolproof Ways to Make Your Post Grad Situation Sound Better Than Everyone Else’s |Brobible|

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Close talkers, am I right?

Last we checked in on Brian DePalma and his highly anticipated Crime d’amour remake, Passion, Rachel McAdams and Noomi Rapace were on the poster and totally about to make out. We were all like, “BROS!” and there was crazy high-fiving going on. Anywho, T-Bag, Black Steve, Asian Kurt, P-Rod and the rest of the bros at the quad can chill, because not only are there stills that prove that McAdams and Rapace are going to make out, but there’s a brand new trailer that suggests there will be so much more.

After the jump, you can check out the trailer for Passion and probably go order your tickets in advance. Hell, we should just rent out an entire theater now and all wear our FilmDrunk shirts. I still need to get mine back from Fred Willard.

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Brian DePalma has been pretty quiet since releasing The Black Dahlia in 2006, with his Iraq War protest film Redacted being his most recent work. But he’s returning with a heavy hitter this year in Passion, the remake of the 2010 French film Crime d’amour, starring Rachel McAdams and Noomi Rapace.

*takes out box of Kleenex, kicks out recliner*

All right, what’s this little gem all about now?

The offices of a prominent multinational corporation is the setting for this story of a power struggle between two contemporary women. Isabelle has unlimited admiration for her direct superior, Christine, a woman well-schooled in the ways of power. Christine enjoys holding sway over Isabelle, leads her one step at a time and ever more deeply into a game of seduction and manipulation, of dominance and servitude. The game is played for keeps, and there is no turning back. (Via Coming Soon)

McAdams plays Christine to Rapace’s Isabelle, and the former steals her subordinates ideas, leading Isabelle into a murderous rage or something like that. I’ll be honest, I fainted after “seduction and manipulation” and then my head exploded Scanners-style when I saw the movie’s poster.

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