If you’re not a part of the snooty New York theater scene, you might not have been aware that South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s Book of Mormon musical has been playing to rave reviews and sold out shows on Broadway for about a month now.  That may or may not be a huge accomplishment considering their competition is stuff like Legally Blonde and the U2 Spider-Man play, but they did create it with Avenue Q‘s Robert Lopez, and I can confirm that Avenue Q is amazing.  Now several sites are reporting that Book of Mormon could be coming to theaters, and I mean the American kind, with popcorn and Coke, not those fruity pinko ones with the programs and the intermissions.  So why the question mark in the headline?  Well, here’s the quote at the crux of the reports, from Deadline’s Mike Fleming:

So what will happen when producer Scott Rudin inevitably shops the Broadway musical to become a movie musical? “We’ve learned in our careers that as long as something is successful, they will give you money for it,” Parker tells me. “They just want to make money in Hollywood, they don’t really care. As long as the musical continues to do well, I don’t think it’s going to be hard at all.”

So… does that mean Scott Rudin actually is shopping the Broadway musical as a movie musical?  Uh… maybe?  That’s the way most sites are reporting it.  As we’ve seen before, sometimes it’s hard to tell what the f*ck Mike Fleming is talking about.  In any case, there doesn’t seem to be any reason it couldn’t become a movie.  Also, it sounds awesome:

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3D Dog demands an immersive experience

Question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: it’s time to prognosticate!  Looking for news?  Answers?  You’ve come to the wrong place, pardner!  If we had ‘em, we wouldn’t be askin’!  YEEE HAW!  Now who wants to get shot in the dark? (*fires pistols in the air*)

Today’s awesomely unsubstantiated rumor comes from Blue Sky Disney, who says that next month, LucasFilm will announce that they’ll be converting the Indiana Jones movies for a theatrical re-release, starting with Raiders of the Lost Ark.  The move would mirror the 3D re-release of the Star Wars movies, which are set to hit theaters in 2012.  Sounds plausible, right?

So why shouldn’t we believe it?  Well, for one thing, the Indiana Jones movies were directed by Steven Spielberg, who, despite his sensible influence being woefully absent on Indiana Jones 4, has in the past been much more reticent to do recuts and rereleases of his movies than the hutt known as George Lucas. For another, Blue Sky Disney is the same site that falsely reported Josh Hutcherson as Spider-Man a few months ago.  But go ahead, trust a liar, see if I care.

Nonetheless, if it is true, then clearly the target audience is stupid people.  3D sucks.  It’s an excuse to charge more money.  To say it’s more realistic is like saying a pop-up book is more realistic than a regular comic book.  You want an “immersive experience”?  Watch the original on mushrooms.  Much cheaper.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, the Jerry Bruckheimer movie in which Nic Cage plays a modern-day Warlock (not making this up) has been the scene of several accidents.  While I point to this as evidence that God is finally trying to smite Jerry Bruckheimer as I’ve prayed for many times, some say the set is cursed.  And others claim Nic Cage even hired a witch doctor to un-curse it.  Says National Enquirer:

“Everyone was shocked when the voodoo woman arrived on the set. She was wearing a long black and purple dress had long stringy hair – and carried a broom. She sprinkled ‘Voodoo Dust’ on the pavement as she chanted weird phrases to frighten bad spirits.” [via DailyStab]

The National Enquirer are notorious liars (see the Brangelina breakup story from a few days ago) and much as I’d like to believe every Nic-Cage-is-crazy story I hear, this one sounds especially bogus.  I posted it mainly because of this picture.  What. in the holy hell. is going on here?  Let me get this straight: you cared enough about your appearance to Brotox your forehead shiny and put on a shirt and tie, and yet didn’t bother shaving the three days worth of grey and black stubble attached to your brown mop at the temples?  You carefully manicured a beard that’s a completely different color than your hair or eyebrows?  And dude… are you wearing eyeliner?  This… is not a stable person.  I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but let’s just say I wouldn’t leave this book near my children.

Question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: news schmews, it’s time to prognosticate! If you came here for answers, you’re in the wrong place, bub. Now, who wants to get stabbed in the dark?  Ouch, I’m bleeding! Yay!

According to über-sketchy media outlet WENN (whose stories are generally written and formatted like a penis-pill email), Megan Fox has vowed to never play a character as “lame” as Wonder Woman.

Director Joss Whedon is rumoured to be putting together a cast for an upcoming big screen outing for the superhero siren [Editor's Note: I've never heard this rumor, and I traffic in these sorts of things]. Fox is reportedly in the running to play the lead role, but the Transformer star is adamant she will not get involved with the comic book adaptation. She tells British magazine FHM, “She’s lame. She flies around in an invisible jet, but she’s not invisible. I don’t get it.” [IMDB via Fark]

Hello, does Star Trek ring a bell?  Romulan cloaking devices?  (*pushes glasses back up nose*) Anyway, there’s no trace of the quote or anything about Wonder Woman in FHM’s online edition, and WENN appears to be the only source for it. So this whole thing is probably bullsh*t.  And let’s face it, Megan Fox has been in two Transformers movies and dates this guy, – something tells me she isn’t the harshest judge of what is and isn’t lame.

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Question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: it’s time to prognosticate! Does Xenu rule the heavens? Do drugs really make you thinner? Does this skin suit make my ass look fat?  No one knows for sure, and that means we’re free to speculate wildly! Yee haw!

Today’s rumor comes from the Daily Mail, a newspaper based in England that doesn’t seem to use English in the headlines.  No matter, they say Christian Bale is in talks to play Robin Hood in Nottingham, the new sympathetic-to-the-Sheriff (Russell Crowe) take on Robin Hood from Ridley Scott. 

Nothing is signed for Bale, but director Ridley Scott is exceedingly keen to cast him.

Keep in mind this Robin Hood isn’t going to be a fox, or a guy with a really American-sounding accent, he’s going to be a real bastard. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see Robin Hood with his shirt off, banging the happily-married Maid Marian from behind while flexing in the mirror, as the Sheriff looks on, shedding a single tear.  Plus it’s Medieval England, so he could be eating a raw rabbit or squirrel with the other hand.  What, it’s gay to have fantasies about Christian Bale flexing during sex now?  Screw you guys, I’m normal.