Entertainment Weekly just broke the first pictures from Quentin Tarantino’s slave western, Django Unchained, and I know every time I write about Tarantino, someone in the comments tells me how Tarantino is a hack and how he much sucks, and how gay everyone is for liking him. Well I’d like to cordially invite those people to lick my balls because this looks amazing. All I’ve ever wanted is to combine pulpy Tarantino violence with sumptuous vests and ascots and pocket watches.Violence and period fashion! This movie has everything!

Without getting too much into Entertainment Weekly’s spoilerish rundown, the basic plot is that Jamie Foxx plays a Django, a slave freed by bounty hunter Christoph Waltz, who teaches him the tricks of the trade and helps him find his wife, Broomhilda (Kerry Washington), who ends up in a crazy place called Candyland, where a sadistic slavemaster named Calvin Candy (Leonardo DiCaprio) makes his slaves do gladiatorial-style battle.

I can’t imagine that not being great, unless Tarantino and the wizard get into some bad coke and 40 minutes of the movie ends up being Broomhilda gabbing with her girlfriends about nothing a-la Deathproof. Sidenote: Look at that ornate saddle! I wonder if the production borrowed that from Steven Seagal’s collection.

One more picture below:

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Quentin Tarantino recently released his eleven favorite films of 2011, and thanks to cocaine, he was able to watch all eleven of them in just under 40 minutes. Probably the biggest surprise is that Paul WS Anderson’s Three Musketeers made his top eleven. I still haven’t seen it, but I know it involves pirate ships carried by zeppelins shooting cannons at each other, and I’m a big proponent of the idea that at a certain level, “stupid” becomes “brilliant.”

The other suprise is that he has Drive listed among the “nice try” movies, which… I guess… means… he thought it could’ve been better? I don’t know, but he mentions it alongside Drive Angry, Hanna, and Real Steel, which aren’t exactly flattering company.

Quentin Tarantino’s official Top 11 of 2011

1. Midnight in Paris
2. Rise of the Planet of the Apes
3. Moneyball
4. The Skin I Live In
5. X-Men: First Class
6. Young Adult
7. Attack the Block
8. Red State
9. Warrior
10. The Artist / Our Idiot Brother (tie)
11. The Three Musketeers

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This may be one of my new favorite headlines I’ve ever written, and the best part is, it’s all true! Variety reports that Sacha Baron Cohen is in final talks to join Tarantino’s Django Unchained, alongside the previously cast Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCaprio, Don Johnson, RZA from the Wu Tang, and Kurt Russell. Kerry Washington will play Broomhilda. My God, give that coke wizard a raise.

Story follows a slave-turned-bounty hunter (Foxx) on a mission to rescue his wife from her sadistic slavemaster. In one of the last big parts to be cast for the film, Cohen would play Scotty, a gambler who buys Django’s wife as a female companion.
Though the part is small, sources said Tarantino was very particular on who he wanted to play it, given the character’s importance to the story.
Production is expected to get under way in early 2012 with The Weinstein Co. planning its Stateside release for Dec. 25, 2012. [Variety]

BIM SKALA BOOM SKALA SQUIM ZALA SWAN, A TALL BRITISH HEBREW SHALL BE YOUR SLAVE’S JOHN! (*covers self with cloak* *loud bang* *disappears in puff of smoke*)

(*Alan Ball’s mynah birds cackle in the distance*)

With Kurt Russell, Leonardo DiCaprio, Christoph Waltz, Jamie Foxx, Samuel Jackson, and Don Johnson all locked in for Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained, the only missing piece was the lead female. According to Deadline, that role has gone to Kerry Washington, a tall drink of hot chocolate known from her roles in Ray and Last King of Scotland. She’ll play a slave named “Broomhilda.” If you’ll remember, Django was a story inspired by cocaine and Alan Ball’s noisy mynah birds.

Washington will play the long-suffering slave wife of Django (Jamie Foxx), who is freed by a bounty hunter (Christoph Waltz) and taught the tricks of that trade. Django’s real desire is to be reunited with his wife, who winds up in a variety of unsavory places and whose travails drive the plot. It leads to a confrontation in Candyland, a ranch owned by the notorious Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio).

Tarantino had his eye on Washington from the beginning, but he was also intrigued with making a discovery in the role, and that led to a long casting search before the director went back to Washington for the female lead.

Calling a wife “long-suffering” always makes her sound like she’s caught up in some kind of wacky sitcom marriage to an incorrible husband. “LOL, not another one of his schemes!” But in this case, I’m guessing the suffering is more on account of the slavery.

“ZIM SQUIM, ALA KAZAAME, NOW ‘BROOMHILDA’ SHALL BE YOUR SLAVE’S NAME!” (*scatters cigarettes, disappears in puff of smoke*)

"Hey there, little lady. Did you know I raised Kate Hudson?" (*gets drink thrown in face*)

A few months back, it was reported that Kevin Costner would be joining Tarantino’s upcoming Django Unchained, playing the part of a ruthless slave driver. Costner dropped out a few weeks ago for undisclosed reasons — he’s either too busy being Clark Kent’s dad in Man of Steel or curing another oil spill is my guess. But the good news is, Costner’s replacement will be Kurt Russell, who played Stuntman Mike in Deathproof, easily the best part of Tarantino’s worst movie. (*pumps fist, snorts line of coke, high-fives wizard, turns into newt*)

The movie is set in the American South of the 1800s and follows a freed slave (Jamie Foxx) who partners with a German bounty hunter (Chrisoph Waltz) in order to find his wife.
The bad guy list they encounter is impressive: Leonardo DiCaprio as a Francophile plantation owner who forces slaves to compete in death matches and Samuel L. Jackson as a vile head slave who works for DiCaprio.
Coming on to the list of antagonists will be Russell, playing a character called Ace, a man who oversees the plantation in a ruthless manner and who relishes punishing slaves. [THR]

Needless to say, this sounds great. Christoph Waltz made me enjoy a movie where R-Pattz falls in love with Reese Witherspoon while they bond over a circus elephant, so I can only imagine how good he’ll be in a violent Tarantino flick about mandingo slave fights. On a side note, is it just me, or does the slave-teams-up-with-German-bounty-hunter plot kind of sound like a funhouse-mirror Brett Ratner plot? In the Ratner version, the trailer would just be an interracial buddy duo on horseback arguing back and forth while an ELO song plays. Don’t bring me doown; down down down down doooooooooowwwwn, oh woo hooo…