If I had made a movie about a homicidal, telekinetic tire named Robert, I’d probably be content to coast on that for the rest of my career, but not Quentin Dupieux. The French electronic musician also known as Dr.  Mr. Oizo has been busy as hell, following up Rubber with Wrong, which stars Reno 911′s Jack Plotnick and Eastbound and Down‘s Steve Little, and hits VOD in March, and then following up Wrong with Wrong Cops, which stars Marilyn Manson and Eric Wareheim and previews its first 45 minutes at Sundance this week. I’m excited about both, and not just because it keeps someone from making more electronic music.

Wrong:

Dolph Springer (Reno 911′s Jack Plotnick) awakens one morning to find he has lost the sole love of his life – his dog, Paul. Desperate to reunite with his best friend and to set things right, Dolph embarks on a journey which spirals into the realm of the absurd. On his quest, he drastically alters the lives of several severely bizarro characters, including a promiscuous pizza delivery girl (Entourage’s Alexis Dziena), a mentally unstable, jogging-addicted neighbor, an opportunistic French-Mexican gardener, an eccentric pet detective (Steve Little of HBO’s Eastbound And Down) and most mysterious of all, an enigmatic pony-tailed guru, Master Chang (William Fichtner) who imparts his teachings to Dolph on how to metaphysically reconnect with his pet.

I feel like i have a spiritual connection to my dog’s poop, but only because I start every day picking it up with my hands. Hey, dog poop bag makers, do you think you could get working on a bag that doesn’t conduct heat? That would be great. Anyway, I never believe the quotes that tell you “THIS WILL MELT YOUR BRAIN AND SHOOT IT OUT YOUR DICK HOLE!” I mean, I’m sure it’s pleasantly odd, but I feel like people only say stuff like that because the usual idea of “weird” comedy is Seth Rogen wearing a dirtier shirt.

Wrong Cops:

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This week in posters is back, and just in time for some new Spring Breakers posters. I’ll be honest, I’m struggling to say anything about this besides Ashley Benson’s name while I bit my knuckle, but instead I’ll simply say that a teeny-bopper movie with a bunch of Disney Channel queens from notorious dicknosers Harmony Korine and James Franco is something I’d pay at least double the price of admission for. I’m dying to know what glorious dicknose is in store for us with this one.

Also, these chicks are all like 18 to 22, aren’t they? Do we really need all the airbrushing? Cut it out with the filters, I want to see every dimple. Uh, I mean… airbrushing is a sexist tool of the patriarchy that promotes an unhealthy body image among impressionable young girls. (Phew, good save, Mancini, good save).
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We know this is the first This Week in Posters we’ve done for the New Year, but this ship will be back on course and up to steam in no time. I’ve been trying to get this thing locked and loaded every Tuesday afternoon, so once I start self-medicating, look for it with a little more consistency. GRRR, LASER FOCUS.

First up, this new poster for The Grey. It was wise of them to play up the most commercial aspect of the film, i.e. LIAM NEESON BOXING WOLVES WITH BROKEN BOTTLES ON HIS HANDS! Hell, I’d watch a whole series of these – Liam Neeson boxes wolves with broken bottles, Liam Neeson hits hyenas with a tire iron, Liam Neeson with bug zapper in a room full of lizards, Liam Neeson headbutts deer in a pith helmet – I could go on forever, and never run out of great ideas. And looking at the way he’s holding his knife reminds me of the fight between Steven Seagal and Tommy Lee Jones at the end of Under Siege. How much more awesome would it have been if Liam Neeson had been there with broken bottles taped to his hand, hucking wolves at everyone? Get on that.

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Being the mega-important movie blog impresario that I am, I was able to score a screener copy of Rubber, the movie about the psychic tire that explodes peoples’ heads, about a week ago.  Only my DVD drive crapped out on me and I still haven’t found a place to watch it.  And now, my screener is all but worthless because the film is already available on OnDemand to you, the idiot layman, the undulating masses.  Magnet Releasing debuted a new poster for the film, which will also hit select theaters April 1st.

Here’s the synopsis again, because I think the poster glosses over an important plot point, the fact that the tire is named Robert.

RUBBER is the story of Robert, an inanimate tire that has been abandoned in the desert, and suddenly and inexplicably comes to life. As Robert roams the bleak landscape, he discovers that he possesses terrifying telepathic powers that give him the ability to destroy anything he wishes without having to move. At first content to prey on small desert creatures and various discarded objects, his attention soon turns to humans, especially a beautiful and mysterious woman who crosses his path. Leaving a swath of destruction across the desert landscape, Robert becomes a chaotic force to be reckoned with.  [Apple]

My God, that is just the Charlie Sheen of movie synopses. The only thing that could make this better is if Arnold Schwarzenegger was there to deliver Commando one liners.  “You’ll have to excuse my friend — he’s dead TIRE’d.”

Shut up, I was already leaving.

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I still remember where I was the first time I saw the teaser for Rubber.  I was sitting here on my jack-off couch, writing about it.  (What? I didn’t say it was a good story.)  I remember it because Rubber is a movie about a psycho-kinetic tire that explodes people’s heads.  Additionally, the tire is named “Robert.” That seems important.

RUBBER is the story of Robert, an inanimate tire that has been abandoned in the desert, and suddenly and inexplicably comes to life. As Robert roams the bleak landscape, he discovers that he possesses terrifying telepathic powers that give him the ability to destroy anything he wishes without having to move. At first content to prey on small desert creatures and various discarded objects, his attention soon turns to humans, especially a beautiful and mysterious woman who crosses his path. Leaving a swath of destruction across the desert landscape, Robert becomes a chaotic force to be reckoned with, and truly a movie villain for the ages. In theaters April 1st.  [Apple]

Rubber was directed by Quentin Dupieux, a “legendary electro musician” also known as Mr. Oizo.  Do you know how awesome a movie would have to be for me not to make fun of it for being directed by a French techno musician (that’s like the pink unicorn of gay horses!)?  It would have to be scrotum-clenchingly kickass.  It would have to be about an evil tire.

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