If you’ve ever wondered what it takes to be the Today Show’s film critic for THIRTY-EIGHT YEARS (since 1973), the answer seems to be two-fold. One, look like Chester A. Arthur’s eccentric pocket watch merchant. Two, act as if your every pun is mankind’s greatest achievement. At least, it’s worked for Gene Shalit (fun fact: he’s 85. The upside of looking like a bizarre caricature is that you barely age.). After the jump, I’ve got a supercut with nothing but his best puns, and it is simply delicious.

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I know this is supposed to be a movie site, but I don’t ask a lot of you, and I demand that you grant me the occasional departure from format for certain important events, such as pictures of rape vans, Danzig stories, or news of new pun foods. On the subject of the latter, today there is important non-movie news afoot, namely a rumor that the dudes from the seminal post-Nelson blonde-brother sugar pop trio Hanson are planning to market their own brand of beer. Which, naturally, will be called “MMMhop.”

I CAN’T QUIT YOU, AWFUL FOOD PUNS!

Speaking at Oxford University Union on Monday night, Zac said: “We of course make records, they are fundamental to what we do, but we wanted to create a brand so that our fans have a greater experience.
“What is vital is that Hanson merchandise is quality and not made solely with the purpose of profit. We have a board game and even a record player to play our last record on, but we will never make dolls, lunch boxes or toothbrushes that play our songs for example.
“It’s vital our fans have trust in everything Hanson do. In fact we are soon going to be selling our own beer, I’m not even joking. MMMHop IPA anyone?” [TheStar]

Without video of the event and only this one quote to go on (there’s nothing about the beer on their official Twitter or Facebook pages), it’s hard to tell if he was being serious or just making a joke that someone tried to turn into a legitimate story. But even if he was kidding, there’s still hope of it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I WANT TO DRINK MMMHOP RIGHT NOW! I WILL WASH IT DOWN WITH WAHLBURGERS AND HAVE WU TANG FLAN FOR DESSERT WHILE THE LEAD SINGER OF SMASH MOUTH SINGS ME A LULLABY ABOUT DEVILED EGGS! PUN! PUN! PUN! PUN! PUN! (*gets shot with tranquilizer dart and thrown in van*)

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Not surprisingly, Thor topped the box office this weekend, earning an estimated $66 million from just under 4,000 domestic locations.  Even less surprisingly, this was deemed a perfect occasion for headline writers across the country to unveil pound home their finest “hammer” pun.  Here’s a small sampling (seriously, there were way more than this):

• Thor movie hammers US competition – BBC
• Box Office: Thor Hammers Out a Decent Summer Opening -FilmSchoolRejects
• Box office report: ‘Thor’ hammers out a $66 million opening -EntertainmentWeekly
• BOX OFFICE: Thor Hammers, Fast Five Slows Down, Women Go To Romcoms
  -InsidePulse
• Thor Hammers Competition with Mighty $66 Million Opening -Indiewire
• Box Office: ‘Thor’ hammers $25.7 million to reach no. 1 Friday -Hitfix
• ‘Thor’ hammers out superhero movie with humor -Fwdailynews
• ‘Thor’ hammers viewers with flashy 3-D effects -WashingtonTimes
• Thor Hammers Competition With $66 Million Opening -Business2Community
• Thor hammers home his power -FreeMalaysiaToday
• ‘Thor’ hammers competition with $66M opening -TheHindu
• ‘Thor’ hammers out $66M weekend -UPI
• Thor hammers home the fun -San Antonio Express
• ‘Thor’ hammers home the summer’s first comic book blockbuster -Frederick
  NewsPost
• Movie review: ‘Thor’ launches the summer movie season with a hammer
  -SaltLakeTribune
• Thor Hammers the Hype Machine – E! Online
• ‘Thor’s’ hammer lands in theaters with thud -Journal and Courier
• Weekend Receipts: Thor Hammers The Box Office Competition -Movieline
• “Thor” Hammers the Box Office -ComicBookResources
• ‘Thor’ hammers competition with $66M opening -8newsNow
• Thor Hammers The Box Office -Miami CBS Local
• Mächtiges vom Asgard-Krieger: Thors Hammer und mehr -Eibenwald

And my personal favorite:

• Explosion heard in Abbottabad…To higher ground…Thor hammers it
  -9&10News

And that’s to say nothing of the “Thor pounds…” puns. WORDPLAY, MOTHERF*CKER! But don’t begrudge them their puns.  If you work for E! or EntertainmentWeekly, that could be the most fun you have all week.  This just in! An actor had a workout regimen for a movie!

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David O. Russell’s critically-beloved boxing film The Fighter finally opens today, and if there’s one thing film critics like more than boxing metaphors, it’s boxing metaphors to describe a movie about boxing.  It’s so on the nose, much like punches from the famous boxer Marky Mark.  Now then, who wants a glass of Pun Punch?  It’s Wahl-to-Wahl action!

“Wahlberg delivers knockout performance in ‘The Fighter’”. [BONUS WORDPLAY!]: “You can have actors wall-to-wall with Massachusetts accents, but you have to put them on those streets and front porches for the knockout punch.” -Jeff Simon, BuffaloNews

“Christian Bale gives a knockout performance in ‘The Fighter’” [BONUS PUN!] “Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale’s “The Fighter” is a punch-drunk tale whose fitful ramble from Jerry Springer-style family seaminess to “Rocky”-like triumph is elevated enormously by knockout performances.”-David Germain, AP

“REVIEW: Bale’s knockout performance makes ‘Fighter’ a contender.” [BOOM, DOUBLE PUN! SHOOT ME UP, I NEED MORE PUNS!] “If prizes were handed out to boxing films, “Rocky” would still hold the championship title. Every few years, however, a new boxing film emerges that tries to be a legitimate contender. I haven’t seen one that knocked me out in a long time, but “The Fighter” comes pretty close.” [WHO'S THE BOXER NOW? I'M SO CONFUSED!] -Richard Karpala, Aurora Sentinel

“‘The Fighter’ has a knockout performance in a big week for little films” -Liquida

“Googley-eyed Christian Bale gives a knockout performance” [DOUBLE BONUS PHOTO CAPTION PUN]: “PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE: Brothers Dicky (Christian Bale, left) and Micky (Mark Wahlberg) in The Fighter.” -Curt Holman, CL Atlanta

“Review: ‘The Fighter’ is a knockout” [NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I NEED ANOTHER PUNCH DRUNK LOVE PUN, CUT ME, MICK!] “THE MEMBERS of ex-fighter Dicky Eklund’s family are so punch-drunk with love for the charming bad boy that they won’t acknowledge the dangerous road he’s on.” -Claudia Puig, Mercury News

‘The Fighter’: Wahlberg, Bale and Co. deliver knockout performances -Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinel

“‘The Fighter’ An Oscar Knock-Out” [BOOYAH!] So it’s a holiday feast of blue-collar, but blue-ribbon actors all trying to out-do each other in what is a veritable Oscar smack-down and SUCCEEDING mightily. Each landing punch after thespic (acting) punch in this knock-out of a movie! [I THINK I JUST PISSED BLOOD!] -Stephen Holt, StephenHoltShow

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(In this year’s Caricature of a White Person contest, Carell was simply outclassed.)

If there’s one thing former SI columnist (or possibly current, who can even tell nowadays) Rick Reilly knows, it’s horrible puns that ruin your day and make you sad about life.  His latest day ruiner is the title of his novel, Missing Links, a “golf” “comedy” that’s soon to be a movie starring Steve Carell.

Reilly’s 1997 comedic novel tells of the group of bumblers who, after playing for years at a run-down municipal golf course in a working-class Boston neighborhood, concoct a series of schemes that they hope will lead to them teeing off at a nearby elite club.

Carell will produce via his Carousel Prods banner, “The Break-Up” scribe Jay Lavender is writing the screenplay, with Carell loosely attached to star. [THR]

Reilly last dabbled in movies when he wrote the screenplay for Leatherheads, which wasn’t so much “funny” or “good” as it was “diarrhea-inducingly cutesy.”  And I say that with a staunch record of being willing to drink (Leatherheads director) George Clooney’s bathwater.  Now Reilly wants us to sit through a movie about guys whose ultimate goal is to play at a nicer golf course.  Reached for comment, Jon Heder and Conan O’Brien said, “F-ck, that’s the whitest idea I’ve ever heard.”  The worst part is, with a title like Missing Links, an unfrozen caveman golfer script practically writes itself.  Shame on you, Rick Reilly.

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