^{Photo Credit: Punchface Thunderdog}

Lots of documentaries are making the rounds at Sundance and elsewhere, because it’s very important that Hollywood pretend to care about world issues.  Here are the trailers for a few.

Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? – A movie everyone’s talking about from Super Size Me director Morgan Spurlock, this one’s already got distribution locked down from the Weinstein Company.  Meanwhile, all I could think was that “Organ Spurcock” would be a really gnarly porn name. 

Taxi to the Dark Side – “A stunning inquiry into the suspicious death of an Afghani taxi driver at Bagram air base in 2002, the film is a fastidiously assembled, uncommonly well-researched examination of how an innocent civilian was apprehended, imprisoned, tortured, and ultimately murdered by the greatest democracy on earth.”  Hey, this is kinda like that Harold & Kumar movie that’s coming out, right?  I think I heard about that.

Up the Yangtze – My favorite order at the Asian massage parlor is now a documentary about the devastating effects of the Three Gorges Dam in China (bought by Zeitgeist, scheduled for April release). My favorite part is where the head honcho guy tells his employee, "Don’t call anyone old, pale, or fat!"  Guh, bosses are such fascists. 

Shoot Down – “In the mid-to-late 90s, thousands of Cuban refugees attempted to cross the Florida Straits by whatever means available – small boats, homemade rafts and inner tubes. Only one in four rafters made it to U.S. shores, with tens of thousands perishing at sea. A volunteer group based in Miami called “Brothers to the Rescue” was formed to patrol the Straits in small civilian aircraft, offering aid to rafters. On February 24th, 1996, in the midst of heightening political unrest in Cuba and in the wake of a revised U.S. policy toward Cuban refugees, the Cuban government authorized two military fighter jets to attack and destroy two of the volunteer planes.”  Hey, say what you want about Castro, dude’s committed to the beard.

American Teen – No trailer yet, but Paramount is reportedly bidding for distribution rights. "Nanette Burstein’s ‘American Teen’ revolves around Indiana high school seniors. A cheerleader, hipster, jock and band geek are all featured in a film one insider dubbed "a smarter ‘Laguna Beach."’"  Meanwhile, another insider referred to Nanette Burstein as "a manlier Zac Efron."  Sources say she was pleased. 

Ruben Fleisher is in talks to direct Zombieland, a zombie comedy (a zombedy, really).

Rhett Reese-Paul Wernick [Ed Note: FOUR NAMES?!] screenplay centers on the most frightened guy on Earth who leads a motley crew of survivors in a world overrun by zombies. Title refers to an old funeral home that is turned into a morbid attraction called Zombieland… Fleischer, a commercial and musicvid helmer, is [also] attached to direct Paramount Pictures’ "Psycho Funky Chimp" for producer Todd Phillips. [Variety]

The second one sounds much more interesting.  I’m guessing it’ll star Dane Cook.  Seriously though, I don’t have much to say about this one, just enough with the fucking zombies already.  The FilmDrunkards and I have already covered every possible zombie scenario.

[Photo Credit: Punchface Thunderdog] 

The guy who wrote The Grudge says his production company is working on a film adaptation of Monster Island, a serialized novel about, get this, a post-zombie apocalypse New York City.  Holy crap, what an idea!  Why hasn’t anyone thought of that before?

"The novel lays the foundation for a zombie film the likes of which no one has ever made or seen – a couple dozen people against forty million zombies on Manhattan Island," he says. "And this isn’t a group of people trapped in a room, trying to hold back the tide – this is a head-on collision, a battle that nearly destroys the entire city. My producing partner and I have teamed up with a visual FX company to realize this book as it should be realized — as an epic, 300-esque horror action film that will blow people out of their chairs." – Stephen Susco [via Shocktillyoudrop]

So apparently, to create a fresh concept, all you have to do is take an old concept and add zombies. I’ve created a few myself: 

Zombies and Black People Have a Family Gathering
Zombies and Will Ferrell Play a Funny Sport
Zombies and Matthew McConaughey Fall in Love Despite Their Differences
Zombies and Judd Apatow Have Jew Fros, Refuse to Grow Up
Zombie Dance Squad Raises the Money to Save the Rec Center
JJ Abrams’ Untitled Zombie Project (studio says the plot is tightly under wraps)
Chris Tucker and the Zombie (A Brett Ratner Film)
Zombie Adam Sandler is Rich, Yet Hilariously Immature
Zombies vs. Talking Animals in a Fantasy Realm for Children
Zombie Efron: An Effeminate Musical for Pre-Pubescent Girls
Jerry Bruckheimer Ruins Everything That Was Cool About Zombies
Martin Lawrence is Out of Place Among Zombies

Watch the new I Am Legend trailer

After a cool animatic/animated trailer whatever you want to call it thingie, and a teaser of Will Smith doing pull-ups and being alone, I Am Legend finally reveals itself for what it is: a zombie movie. 

I’m not saying this is going to be anything like Zombie Beach Party, or Zombie Bloodbath, or Zombie High, or The Zombie Chronicles, or Zombie Movie, or Zombie Nation, or The Blood of the Zombie, or Zombie Death House, or I was a Zombie for the F.B.I., or Space Zombie Bingo, or Zombie Brigade, or Zombie Campout, or Zombie Vs. Ninja, or Zombie Vs. Mardi Gras…. 

What was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, Will Smith.  Isn’t he that rapper?  I’ve never met one but from what I hear they’re dangerous. 

Someone recently asked why we’d gone so long without hearing of any zombie movies – well, the wait is over, because the production company behind 300 has optioned the rights to The Last Christmas, a graphic novel by Brian Posehn and and Gerry Duggan.

The story follows Santa Claus as he withdraws from normal life and turns his back on Christmas. When he emerges from seclusion, he has to find a way to save the world, and Christmas, from being overrun by demons, zombies and other bad guys.

Hmm, sounds kinda like the South Park episode where Jesus goes to Iraq to save Santa.

I don’t know about Brian Posehn.  He hangs out with funny people like Patton Oswalt and Sarah Silverman, but I’m still on the fence about whether he’s actually funny himself.  Mostly he’s just weird looking.  If Patton Oswalt’s the nerdy kid who gets all excited about Star Wars and is kind of endearing, Brian Posehn’s the stinky kid with dandruff who no one wants to sit next to, and who you throw rocks at at the bus stop.  But instead of growing up and going on a kill-crazy rampage, he just sits in his room all day playing Zelda like a pussy.  

Remember, kids, no one respects a nerd who doesn’t kill people.  [via The Hollywood Reporter, picture credit: Punchface Thunderdog]