Opening this weekend:

Public Enemies
Johnny Depp reportedly stopped talking to Michael Mann on the set because of his “chaotic” directing style, and chaotic was more or less what I said of the finished product. I didn’t think it was very good, but I don’t want to bash it too hard, because say what you will, at least it’s a movie aimed at adults and not a toy commercial.  So see it, so they keep making these “types” of movies, just don’t expect to know who’s shooting at whom or why.

Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs
Oh yeah, this movie.  Forgot about this one.  I’m sure it’ll be a great movie to take the kids to, because in the trailer, a squirrel gets his chest waxed and tries to masturbate a buffalo, and it features dinosaurs during the ice age, which I’m sure won’t totally screw up their knowledge of history.  It’s so hard to convince kids that the Earth is only 6,000 years old and dinosaurs were pets kept by Jesus these days.

I Hate Valentine’s Day
Yahoo says this movie is opening this weekend but I’m not sure in which cities, because on the distributor’s website, the links for release date are broken.  Which I assume is because someone at IFC Films hates Nia Vardalos as much as I do.  What is she even doing?  Her idea of acting seems to be trying to look bitchy and surprised in every scene.  And I will never, ever forgive the girl who made me sit through My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

NIA: “Then we eat lamb!”
JOHN CORBETT: “Mmm, with mint jelly?”
NIA: “Um… no.”

Get it????  He’s a wasp and she’s hilariously ethnic!  Their cultural differences are a never-ending geyser of comedy!!

I wanted to like this movie, I really did.  Seemed like a good hook – solid ensemble cast and veteran director do a movie about 30s bank robbers ostensibly aimed at adults.  No toy commercials?  You promise?  Okay, sailor, buy me a drink and let’s see where this leads.

Johnny Depp plays John Dillinger, the prototypical cocky outlaw.  “I like baseball, movies, good clothes, fast cars, whiskey…and you.  What else ya need to know?”

Snappy line there, handsome.  And it sounds good at first.  Only after a while, you feel like there is more you need to know.  Namely, what the hell is this movie about?  Is it about Dillinger and the brash young FBI director, J. Edgar Hoover (awesomely played by Billy Crudup – coulda used more of him), manipulating the press and going head to head in the court of public opinion?  Is it about old-school outlaws like Dillinger becoming obsolete in favor of mobsters, who do their stealing behind closed doors?  Is it about Melvin Purvis (Christian Bale) learning that “modern” crimefighting still requires old fashioned toughness?  Is it a love story?  (I hope not, because most of Dillinger’s interactions with Billie Frechette (Marion Cotillard) involve him telling her what to say and then repeating his demand until she complies.  How romantic.  He must f*ck like a Jedi.)

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The second trailer for Michael Mann’s Public Enemies went up today on MSN, which sadly doesn’t allow embeds, and everyone else’s rip is kinda weak.  It’s similar to bong smoking in that regard.  *pushes glasses back up nose*

Nonetheless, this movie still gives me a fairly turgid nerd boner – Depp plays John Dillinger, Christian Bale the FBI agent on his trail, etc., etc.  My only real reservation is that Billy Crudup (as J. Edgar Hoover) seems to be the only one doing an awesome period Jimmy Cagney accent.  You just know if this was a high school theater production, every kid in it would be walking around school flashing finger guns at each other and saying “Lookie heah, see?” for months.  Man, those kids were f-ing annoying.

Every time I see some shakey cam garbage like Quantum of Solace or some hyper stylized artsturbation, I silently pray for the day when Michael Mann will come out with another action flick and show these limp d-cks how it’s done.  Hopefully that day is July 1st when Public Enemies opens. It stars Johnny Depp as John Dillinger, Christian Bale as Melvin Purvis (the FBI agent chasing John Dillinger), and Marion Cotillard as Billie Frechette (no idea who either of those people are).  Man, this looks awesome.  I’m also pretty jealous of how Johnny Depp tells girls he robs banks and they just melt. I try telling them I’m a movie blogger and they’re usually just all like, “So, you gonna order or what? I’m gonna have to put you on hold.”
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This website has pictures of baby goose with words on them.  Hey girl, I highly recommend it. [FYeahRyanGosling]

Neil Gaiman says a few words about Coraline, desperately trying to freak out the stoners. [TrailerAddict]

The Mutant Chronicles has a trailer. In related news, The Mutant Chronicle gave eating brains two stumps up.  [ScreenJunkies]

Rehearsal video of Aretha Franklin’s understudy from the inauguration. Not to be confused with female squirt fetish actress Urethra Franklin. [LudditeAndroid]

A stadium built out of junk food. The city, meanwhile, is still built on rock n’ roll. [HolyTaco]

Seth Rogen’s Green Hornet was on, then it was off, and now it’s on again.  Maybe. [Hitfix]

Mmm’yeah, new pictahs from Public Enemies, see? [FSR]

Sasha Grey stars in this new PG Porn.  PG porn is my favorite kind of porn.  Wait, no, chicks shitting.  I meant to say chicks shitting is my favorite kind of porn. [Spike]