J. Crew ads are strange.

My best friend (category: crystalline mineral) Morton Salt is away on vacation this week, so I said, “Sure, I’ll step in and see what’s out on the ol’ DVD and Blu-Ray this week.” And if you’ve been complaining that you haven’t had much time to shave your back or teach your toddlers how to box, then you’re in luck, because there’s not much worth watching this week.

At least not an awesome movie about Chris Kattan playing twin brothers, one running an insane asylum and the other being a patient. How the hell do I miss out on the classics?

Anyway, here are your non-Kattan DVD releases for this week:

Gangster Squad
Any Day Now
The Central Park Five
Promised Land
The Impossible
Pawn
Thale
Wuthering Heights
Cloned: The Recreator Chronicles

As for your streaming choices, I only recommend 50 Cent’s Gun on Netflix. Watch it this week so you’ll be up to speed with my next installment of Netflix Instant Theater, so I can close the book on Cheetah Vision’s great trilogy and immediately check myself into Chris Kattan’s mental hospital for recovery.

Now let’s get synopsisizing!

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“Grrrrr or something, I’m here to kill you… yet again. Yadda yadda.”

Opening Everywhere: Texas Chainsaw 3D

Opening Everywhere… again: Promised Land

FilmDrunk Suggests: Go outside and toss a ball around or maybe go adopt a puppy. Good God, do anything that will make sure that Texas Chainsaw doesn’t make any money so we can discourage this repetitive nonsense. Or – holy sh*t – maybe the world really did end on Dec. 21. Are we even here? Is this limbo? Purgatory? This can’t be hell, because I still have all of my Kate Upton GIFs.

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“So I says to the guy, I says, Lemme check your oil!”

Opening Everywhere: Promised Land

Already Opened Everywhere: Django Unchained, Les Misérables, Parental Guidance

FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince, of course, loved Django Unchained so much that he gave it his “Best Movie of the Year” honor over Magic Mike, which is a joke, because there wasn’t a better movie made than Magic Mike in 2012. Seriously, go watch every movie that was made this year and tell me if any of them were better than Magic Mike. I’ll wait. It’s this or work.

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