You know we’ve come a long way when the formerly Maoist regime of China is not only allowing their citizens to watch films from the greedy imperialist west, but they’re cutting said films in order to add more consumer advertising. I guess this is what winning the Cold War looks like. USA! USA! USA… I always knew that if I just cracked enough Coors Lights, those dowdy artillery plant workers would shed their grey coveralls for a bikini pool party. (*air guitar*)

HONG KONG – As the houselights dimmed in cinemas across mainland China at around midnight on Tuesday, audiences attending the first wave of public screenings of Iron Man 3 fell silent with apprehension as a question appeared on screen: “What does Iron Man rely on to revitalize his energy?”

After a three-second blackout, three big Chinese characters appeared onscreen: “Gu Li Duo.”

The Marvel fanboys shouldn’t bother to rummage through their libraries to solve this riddle, because Gu Li Duo isn’t a a mystical power source in the original comic series — it’s a milk drink which is on sale for less than $1 a carton in convenience stores across mainland China.

Phew, I was worried the answer was going to be ground up rhino horn, or endangered tiger penis.

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Turn your Flight into a party with the Bud Light Otter

Anheuser-Busch is asking Paramount to obscure the logos of Budweiser beer in Robert Zemeckis’s Flight, saying they didn’t participate in the production and don’t want their product associated with Denzel Washington’s portrayal of an alcoholic pilot. Yikes, we can’t have booze being associated with alcoholism! It’s all part of Bud’s latest ad campaign: “Bud Light: It’s not for pilots.”

Anheuser-Busch said Monday that it has asked Paramount Pictures Corp. to obscure or remove the Budweiser logo from the film, which at one point shows Washington’s character drinking the beer while behind the wheel.

Budweiser is hardly the only alcoholic beverage shown in “Flight,” which earned $25 million in its debut weekend. Washington’s character frequently drinks vodka throughout the film, with several different brands represented. William Grant & Sons, which distributes Stolichnaya in the United States, also said it didn’t license its brand for inclusion in the film and wouldn’t have given permission if asked.

I saw Flight, and I actually didn’t even remember the part where he drank a Bud. I remembered the part at the beginning where he drinks Miller (High Life, if I’m not mistaken). If anyone should be pissed, it’s the scotch brands, over the way they show scotch inside a hotel mini-fridge. Everyone knows you don’t refrigerate scotch, I mean come on.

“We would never condone the misuse of our products, and have a long history of promoting responsible drinking and preventing drunk driving,” AHB Vice President Rob McCarthy wrote. “We have asked the studio to obscure the Budweiser trademark in current digital copies of the movie and on all subsequent adaptations of the film, including DVD, On Demand, streaming and additional prints not yet distributed to theaters.”

At what point did the idea of product placement become so pervasive that you’re not allowed to show products that exist in the world without asking the manufacturer’s permission first, for fear that people will assume it’s a sponsor? It’s insane. At this rate, if you can’t get a sponsor, your characters are going to have to wander around in white t-shirts with “T-SHIRT” ironed on the front.

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If Wahlburgers thought they were going to own the movie-related food market, they’ve got another thing coming, because MGM is partnering with Denny’s to offer Hobbit-themed breakfasts, second breakfasts, elevenses, afternoon tea, etc., as well as your basic drunk late-night face f*ck. Peter Jackson may never be thin again.

Starting Nov. 6, customers will be able to feast on 11 new breakfast, lunch and dinner dishes including the “Hobbit Hole Breakfast,” “Frodo’s Pot Roast Skillet” and “Build Your Own Hobbit Slam,” which includes new limited time holiday favorites such as “Pumpkin Patch Pancakes,” “Shire Sausage,” and “Seed Cake French Toast.” [UPI]
[and, according to the LA Times/I09] Gandalf’s Gobble Melt, “The Ring” Burger, Bilbo’s Berry Smoothies, Build Your Own Hobbit Slam and Radagast’s Red Velvet Pancake Puppies.

“Red velvet pancake puppies,” aka “deep-fried balls of dough.” That “Red velvet” crap must have a genius publicist, because red velvet isn’t that good. I guarantee if you ground up some plums in your cake mix and started calling it “imperial satin” the same dipshits would go nuts for it. Pretty much the opposite of “Hobbit Hole Breakfast,” which sounds like an unspeakable sex act. Anyway, I suppose Denny’s greasy dumpster slop might as well have a theme, and no one knows what the f*ck “moons over my hammie” is supposed to mean anymore, so there you go. I’m just sad Outback never teamed with Kevin James for “Here Comes the Bloomin’ Onion.”

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With The Avengers hitting DVD September 25th, more and more deleted and alternate scenes are starting to show up online. Sometimes I wonder if some of these are actually deleted scenes or just scenes that they shoot special to promote the DVD release. Have you seen the “director’s cut” of The Town? If that’s actually the cut Ben Affleck wanted, Ben Affleck is some kind of Frank Drebin director who’s been inadvertantly Forrest Gumping his way into undeserved accolades this whole time, because the director’s cut is terrible. Anyway, this deleted scene from The Avengers isn’t that bad – much better than the alternate opening that hit yesterday – but it does have my least favorite of all Marvel scenes, the Stan Lee cameo, the part of every Marvel movie where they throw out all pretense of storytelling in order to wink at you while every neckbeard in the audience puffs out his mantits in the hopes of being the first to acknowledge he’s been successfully pandered to. Relax, fatty, at this point, Condoleeza Rice probably knows who Stan Lee is. That said, Chris Evans is dreamy and I could stare at him staring at stuff all day.

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In a move that probably would have helped MGM avoid nearly losing the entire franchise, James Bond – both the character and the man who plays him – will be used to shill for Heineken a little heavier than usual as the release of Skyfall approaches. The latest Bond film, which almost didn’t happen because MGM was broke as a joke, will hit theaters on Nov. 9, but Daniel Craig will be appearing in Heineken commercials long before then.

The Bond campaign will coincide with the fall release of “Skyfall,” the latest installment in the long-running movie franchise. Bond, played by Daniel Craig, will star in a Heineken ad. The spot, which will run globally, is by brand agency-of-record Wieden & Kennedy, Amsterdam, and directed by Fredrik Bond. In the movie, Bond will swap his trademark martini for a sip of the brew — at least in one scene. The integration, which will include Bond images on packaging, marks the largest activation in the brand’s 15-year partnership with the 007 franchise, according to the brewer. (Via Advertising Age)

It is somewhat amusing that MGM is counting on this kind of “major integration” to produce some extra coin while Austin Powers, the film franchise that of course mocks the Bond films, already incorporated Heineken as part of the jokes years ago.

Or maybe this just means Mike Myers is psychic. But that can’t be, because he would have known The Love Guru was a flaming pillow case filled with diapers.

Meanwhile, in the unsubstantiated rumor department, because MGM needs to hit a grand slam with Skyfall – hence the hiring of Sam Mendes as director and casting of Javier Bardem and Ralph Fiennes as villains – the timing of news that Adele plans to release a single later this year makes for a delicious coincidence.

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