The poster for Jerry Bruckheimer’s Prince of Persia will appear inside Jerry Bruckheimer’s Confessions of a Shopaholic as background ads in Time Square, alongside ads for Jerry Bruckheimer’s G-Force, Jerry Bruckheimer brand colostomy bags and Jerry Bruckheimer douche nozzles.  Okay, I may have made up those last two.

“It’s funny because I was watching the movie and we had ads for other films and I said, ‘Why don’t we put our own movies in here.’ It’s kind of silly to promote someone else’s movies.” [LatinoReview]

Touché, Jerry, touché. Bruckheimer went on to say:

* Prince of Persia (adapted from the video game) will definitely have parkour (seriously)
* He’s making a third National Treasure,
* He’s excited about The Sorcerer’s Apprentice with Jay Baruchel and Nic Cage
* Johnny Depp will play Tonto in a Lone Ranger movie, which will definitely have “a supernatural element to it”
* G-Force will be about talking guinea pigs but will have “something for everybody”

The interviewer was about to ask him about Pirates IV, when a slimy, morey eel-like creature sprang from Bruckheimer’s mouth and devoured the interviewer whole.  He vomited up a puddle of foul-smelling black sludge before heading to a script meeting for CSI: Miami.

JustJared has these pics from the Moroccan set of Jake Gyllenhaal’s career suicide, the Jerry Bruckheimer-produced, video game adaptation Prince of Persia.

In the film, Jake will play Dastan, a young prince in sixth century Persia who must join forces with Tamina (Gemma Arterton), a feisty and exotic [i.e. Persian] princess, to prevent a villainous nobleman from possessing the Sands of Time, a gift from the gods that can reverse time and allow its possessor to rule the world.

So, uh, how old is this prince supposed to be?  Because if he’s Persian and older than 12, they’re gonna need way more chest hair.  And where’s his Toyota Supra with the giant spoiler and exhaust tips?  I assume it’s behind them somewhere.   

The only thing I hate worse than Jerry Bruckheimer movies are movies based on video games.  Prince of Persia is like a frankenstein turd of the two, and now E! is reporting that Jake Gyllenhaal will play the lead.

Donnie Darko, Jarhead, Zodiac, makin’ out with Heath Ledger – he was right on the cusp of respected actorhood, and now this.

Joining Gyllenhaal in the fantasy adventure epic is upcoming Bond babe Gemma Arterton. The blue-blooded duo join forces to prevent their royal foe from obtaining the Sands of Time, a gift bequeathed  from the gods [hehe, God queefed. -Ed.] which allows its possessor to turn back time and, naturally, rule the world.

Sounds fascinating.  Was Brendan Fraser busy or something?  Sidenote:  According to IMDB, Jake Gyllenhaal fans refer to themselves as "Gyllenhaalics".  Additional Sidenote:  Jerry Bruckheimer fans refer to their age as "this many", while attempting to display the corresponding number of fingers. 

The movie blog world is all a titter about what Michael Bay’s next project will be.  The Transformers sequel is being planned as a summer 2009 release, but it was also rumored that he’d be teaming with Jerry Bruckheimer (Bay and Bruckheimer go together like rape and genocide) for Prince of Persia, which was also slated for summer 2009. 

Now comes the news that Bay may be interesting in directing 2012: The War for Souls, based on the book by Whitley Strieber.

As struggling author Wylie Dale works on his latest novel, which revolves around an upcoming date when the earth crosses both the galactic equator and the solar ecliptic—a time that the Maya predicted would mark the cataclysmic end of this age—he begins to uncover evidence that what he’s writing about is actually happening on a parallel earth. If nothing is done, on December 21, 2012, gateways will open into this world and reptilian invaders will not only enslave humanity but feast on their succulent souls as well.

Goodness, that sounds like a cross between Stranger Than Fiction and the true stories of reptilian invaders Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer.  It also sounds like Whitley Strieber got laid a lot in high school.  Chicks love sci fi.