This is the first trailer for the Disney/Jerry Bruckheimer joint, Prince of Persia. An early version of it leaked online last night and some movie bloggers were having a big fight over whether it’s morally acceptable to post bootleg trailers before the official release from the studio. To which I say, hey, get over (y)ourselves. It’s a commercial for a movie, not the polio vaccine.
As for the movie in question, holy God what the hell is this? I see they’ve reimagined ancient Persia as a land of spray-tanned white people with English accents. Meanwhile, cameras swoop and spin through spatially ambiguous CGI landscapes while Gemma Arterton whispers expository dialog in your ear like she wants to do you. At least in the 2012 trailer you could kind of tell what was going on (i.e., CALIFORNIA IS GOING DOWN!). In this one, Jake Gyllenhaal is running from… uh… something… and he dives… sideways? Up? Down? I don’t even know. Oh, and he’ll be speaking in that British accent the entire movie. A movie about a magic dagger that… uh… controls time*. You’ve done it again, Bruckheimer, you amazingly talented genius, you.
[available in better quality over at IGN but I don't like their embeddable player]
*And that this is also the plot of the video game it’s based on doesn’t make it any less of a stupid idea. It makes it even more of a stupid idea.
Empire recently posted some new publicity shots from Jerry Bruckheimer’s Prince of Persia movie, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, and Ben Kingsley. I never played the video game, but based on these pictures I assume the object was to try to cultivate flowing sex hair (except for poor Special K who has to compensate with eyeliner). Heck, I’d even bang the horse. This looks like it’s going to be for Jake Gyllenhaal what Troy was for Brad Pitt, and everyone’s talking about how buff he got for the role. But whatever, put this pussy in the ring with me. I promise I’ll submit him in 30 seconds. With a c*ck choke! OOH WHA-AA AA-AAH!
Hey– who let Jerry O’Bruckheimer into the girl’s locker room? He looks like the emo-est leprechaun. So they think they kin take me lucky charms, do they? We’ll see who has the last laugh once me orthopedic shoes correct me club foot. Until then, I’ll smoke me cloves ‘n take meaninful photographs.
Check it out, guys, the Jerry Bruckheimer-produced Prince of Persia has a poster. It’s black and white (or shall we say ‘desaturated’, for you sticklers out there) with a red detail. Gosh, I’ve never seen that before. It’s almost as if Jerry Bruckheimer was a just a hack who rips off other peoples’ crappy ideas. Meanwhile, I made a version of the same poster as envisioned by Frank Miller. Enjoy.
[via Empire - the also have another Prince of Persia poster]
Over the weekend, ABC proved that the only thing lamer than the idea of making a movie out of the Prince of Persia video game is listening to Jerry Bruckheimer talk about making a movie out of the Prince of Persia video game. Partial transcript:
ABC: “You mentioned Jake Gyllenhaal, who’s one of Hollywood’s hot young actors. What does he bring to the role.”
SUCKHEIMER: “Well, he’s very handsome. And he’s in fantastic shape. He got in great shape for this movie. And he’s a brilliant actor, which is really what it’s all about.”
Hmm, what it’s all about, you say. And yet he makes the acting part sound like an after thought. ‘Tis curious, no? I’m going to do some Freudian math on the Jerry Bruckheimer movie casting checklist, in order of importance:
1. Is Nic Cage available? If no, then…
2. Hotness
3. Wig-wearing
4-10. Abs
11. Swordfighting
12. Rap
13. Acting talent
The poster for Jerry Bruckheimer’s Prince of Persia will appear inside Jerry Bruckheimer’s Confessions of a Shopaholic as background ads in Time Square, alongside ads for Jerry Bruckheimer’s G-Force, Jerry Bruckheimer brand colostomy bags and Jerry Bruckheimer douche nozzles. Okay, I may have made up those last two.
“It’s funny because I was watching the movie and we had ads for other films and I said, ‘Why don’t we put our own movies in here.’ It’s kind of silly to promote someone else’s movies.” [LatinoReview]
Touché, Jerry, touché. Bruckheimer went on to say:
* Prince of Persia (adapted from the video game) will definitely have parkour (seriously)
* He’s making a third National Treasure,
* He’s excited about The Sorcerer’s Apprentice with Jay Baruchel and Nic Cage
* Johnny Depp will play Tonto in a Lone Ranger movie, which will definitely have “a supernatural element to it”
* G-Force will be about talking guinea pigs but will have “something for everybody”
The interviewer was about to ask him about Pirates IV, when a slimy, morey eel-like creature sprang from Bruckheimer’s mouth and devoured the interviewer whole. He vomited up a puddle of foul-smelling black sludge before heading to a script meeting for CSI: Miami.
