I apologize if you live not in New York or LA, because there’s some good stuff out in limited release this week.  As for major releases, we’ve got Priest and Bridesmaids, and I think Bridesmaids wins that battle pretty easily just by not having Affliction rock in the trailer.  Movies covered: Bridesmaids, Priest, Hesher, Everything Must Go, True Legend.

BRIDESMAIDS: Kristen Wiig is a 30-something single lady dealing with all the retarded traditions of modern wedding culture, all while baking and trying not to menstruate.

RottenTomatoes: 90%

Gratuitous Review Quotes

That rarest of treats: an R-rated romantic comedy from the Venus point of view. [Ed. Note: *queef sound*] -Betsy Sharky, LA Times

On top of all that, am I really expected to swallow the phrase “These are smart, funny women”? Really? As though that’s a sentence worth writing down, let alone reproducing in poster form. Can you imagine a poster proclaiming “Movies with men in them don’t have to suck!” or a critic writing the phrase “These are smart, funny men!” No. Because that WOULDN’T MAKE ANY SENSE, BECAUSE PEOPLE TAKE MEN SERIOUSLY BY DEFAULT. Hold on—I have to go sharpen my fork.
[...]
Thanks to director Paul Feig—creator of Freaks and Geeks, the most perfect, noncorny blend of humor and heart ever captured on camera—Bridesmaids has all the humanity that Apatow projects usually lack. Both sides of the coin—hilarity and sincerity—brought me to tears. But I was probably just on my period. -The Incomparable Lindy West.

This might be a turning point in feminism and comedy, provided that both sexes can embrace it. -Mary Pols, Time

Armchair Analysis (here’s my full review): Jesus, can anyone (besides Lindy) review this f*cking movie without acting like it was directed by Rosa Parks?  You’d think post-Tina Fey we’d be past this by now.  Speaking of which, I thought Baby Mama was better. But there was a good movie in Bridesmaids, and even as it is, I think most people would enjoy it.

NEXT PAGE: PRIEST

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Things have obviously been a little crazy around here this week, what with all of the Gloria Allreds of the Interwebs putting a bounty on Vince’s testicles. That’s why I thought a great way to turn the page and start fresh would be to offer up a little peace treaty to all you intelligent, classy broads out there. In fact, even as our beloved Chodin has been away on assignment on Fire Island, he still found time to whisper in my ear from behind that we should give the ladies some eye candy to show that FilmDrunk isn’t a sexist haven for the web’s derelicts.

With that said, there’s no better way to say, “I respect females” than by giving them a gallery of the upcoming summer’s hottest movie bulges. An action hero isn’t an action hero if he doesn’t have a divine codpiece or some sort of crotchal decoration that screams, “This crotch belongs to a mother f*cking star!” And this summer is full of decorated crotches, so we hope that you ladies – and movie codpiece enthusiast men – enjoy this little trivia challenge that we’ve put together for you.

See if you can score 100 and become a Divine FilmDrunk Crotch Hound…

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"Well hello there. I couldn't help noticing you noticing my tiny hat."

I won’t insult myself and you by calling this an “exclusive” but it did come from a couple tipsters and I haven’t seen it reported elsewhere, so there you go.  Apparently Priest, a graphic-novel-based film which tells the story of “a legendary warrior priest from the last Vampire War who”– oh God I’m dismissively wanking already, recently screened for Sony employees in an event hosted by Screen Gems head Clint Culpepper. The film stars Paul Bettany, Karl Urban, and FilmDrunk favorite Cam Gigandet. Apparently, at the post-screening Q & A, so many audience members began their questions by ripping on Cam Gigandet, that it prompted Culpepper to actually stop and say:

“OK, I get it, you guys don’t like Cam Gigandet.”

Oh sure, NOW he gets it.  Meanwhile, Gigandet had this to say about Culpepper in a recent interview:

Priest brings you back into the Sony/Screen Gems fold once again, working with Clint Culpepper — who made quite the impact at the WonderCon footage screening, shouting his support from the audience.
He’s a character, and a genius. He’s a huge fan. An actual studio head sitting there amongst the fans, screaming at the top of his lungs.

How did you come to develop such a close working relationship with him? You’ve worked together a lot in the past few years.
We’ve worked together many times. I don’t know why Clint keeps hiring me, but he does and I am eternally grateful. Even when we first met I believe I was 45 minutes late for a meeting. Me and my fiancée at the time were having a baby and I had my ultrasound, so I’m carrying this ultrasound the first time we’re meeting, I’m late, I’m sweating all over the place, he’s talking to me, and I had no idea who he was at first. I was like, “I’m sorry, I can’t talk — I’m late for a meeting!” Then I realized it was Clint Culpepper, and he was like, “Come on in!” And ever since it’s kind of been that kind of relationship. It’s never been pressured, it’s never been business. We’re just there because we love working with each other.

Aw, a friggin’ ultrasound?  I admit it, I feel a little bad about stoking the fires of Cam Gigandet hatred all these years.  I confess I was always being at least 10% facetious when I was ripping on him, and it takes a big man to admit that, I don’t mind telling you.  Poor guy, it’s probably not his fault that he reminds me of a non-porn parody of Evan Stone.

Courtesy of Crackle, it’s the first trailer for Priest, based on the graphic novel, directed by Legion‘s Scott Charles Stewart.  Said Stewart, “HURRR, I have three first names.”

Paul Bettany plays the lead, a member of an ancient order of clergy who have dedicated their lives to keeping the world safe from vampires.  That is, until the day he takes his shirt off and gets… sexcommunicated.   After that, it’s all EPIC OPERA GASP CHOIRS and CRUCIFIX NINJA STARS — what else would you expect from a movie about a priest who fights vampires?  It goes on like that for a while when– MOTHER OF GOD, WAS THAT CAM GIGANDET?!?  (*cowers behind crucifix, throws laptop in holy water*)

Olivia Munn warms her hands over the crotch heat generated by Paul Bettany's shirtless torso

(*Nicaraguan maid crosses herself, muttering*) El diablo, el diablo, ay dios mio….

(So.  This where the high school chicks hang out?)

I’ve identified two kisses of death for prospective movies – Cam Gigandet and Screen Gems – and this project has both of them.  Plus vampires.

Cam Gigandet will star opposite Paul Bettany in “Priest,” a horror Western that Scott Stewart is directing for Screen Gems.  Adapted by Cory Goodman from a TokyoPop comic book, “Priest” is set in a world ravaged by centuries of war between man and vampires and follows a warrior priest (Bettany) who turns against the church to track down a murderous band of vampires who have kidnapped his niece. Gigandet plays a young wasteland sheriff who is part vampire. He partners with Bettany to save the girl he loves, the niece. That latter part has yet to be cast.

Let’s review:

• Cam Gigandet
• Vampires
• Comic book adaptation
• Kidnapping plot
• Half-breed vampire

Whoever thought this was a good idea must’ve been reading Bizarro FilmDrunk.  Oh, but wait, we haven’t gotten to my favorite paragraph:

Gigandet, repped by WME Entertainment, is filming Screen Gems’ thriller “The Roommate” with Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly. The actor is coming off of winning an MTV Movie Award for best fight, awarded for his work in “Twilight.” Gigandet won the award the previous year for “Never Back Down,” making him the only actor to win it in back-to-back years. [THR]

Damn, two “Best Fight” awards in a row?  Cam Gigandet makes Sir Lawrence Olivier look like a peepshow janitor.