Here’s the trailer for The Tempest, from director Julie Taymor (the U2 Spider-Man musical chick). It stars Helen Mirren, Russell Brand, and Djimon Hounsou.  The visuals look neat-ish, but I feel the same way about this as I do virtually all modern Shakespeare adaptations: Oh boy, I can’t wait to watch a bunch of half-bright actors show us how cultured they are by angrily spewing dialog they don’t understand.  I did enjoy the “SORCERY” title card though.  And hey, did it just turn into an episode of Renegade at the end there?

David O. Russell drops out of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. A scheduling conflict with Pride producer Natalie Portman meant Russell had to drop out and do Old St. Louis instead, a dramedy starring Vince Vaughn that Scarlett Johansson was supposed to be in at one point (not now).   And now, I find myself in the awkward position of being enough of a hipster to like David O. Russell, but not nearly twee enough to not hate Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.  So, uh, good news, as it turns out. (*tightens ascot, rides off on fixed gear*)|NYMag|

Screenwriter Tony Gilroy taking over directing duties on the fourth Bourne movie, the Bourne Legacy.  Matt Damon’s involvement is still up in the air.  BLUR! SMASH CUT! (*fart noise*) GAS PEDAL! ENGINE NOISE! TIRE SQUEAL! (*dismissive wank*) SMASH CUT! ZOOM! (*zzzzzzzz*) |Deadline|

Mark Millar says his ultra-violent, evil-batman comic book, Nemesis, has been greenlit with director Tony Scott and a $150 million budget.  In related news, Mark Millar is talking out his ass again. |io9|

Peter Jackson is “close to a deal” to direct The Hobbit movies, and Deadline and TheWrap are going all dueling ‘TOLJDAs’ about it. Of course, MGM is still $4 billion in debt and the film hasn’t been greenlit yet.  Expect at least three more rounds of denials and confirmations over the coming weeks.  You know what?  I don’t care anymore.

(Pride and Predator)

Natalie Portman has signed on to star in and produce Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a book that you should’ve thought of but Seth Grahame-Smith and his gay hyphen name did instead.

Though Austen’s name is on the book, Grahame-Smith took the liberty of adding bloodthirsty flesh-eating zombies to the mix.  Described as an expanded version of the Austen classic, the book tells the timeless story of a woman’s quest for love and independence amid the outbreak of a deadly virus that turns the undead into vicious killers.
Portman will play feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet, who is distracted from her quest to eradicate the zombie menace by the arrival of the arrogant Mr. Darcy. Darko [the studio producing] just released “The Box,” “World’s Greatest Dad” and “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.” [Variety]

I don’t know what it is, but something about this project bugs me. It’s easy to forget that it’s mildly clever because I’m so annoyed with everyone thinking it’s really clever.  Big whoop, zombies are stupid.  Write Sense and Sensibility and Doggies with Bandanas Around Their Necks and then we’ll talk.

Hey, did you think Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was a funny idea?  Well hold onto your f-cking sides, motherf-cker!

Elton John’s Rocket Pictures hopes to make the first Jane Austen adaptation to which men will drag their girlfriends [by the hair! OO WHA-A AA AA!].
Will Clark [not the former San Francisco Giant, unfortunately] is set to direct “Pride and Predator,” which veers from the traditional period costume drama when an alien crash lands and begins to butcher the mannered protags, who suddenly have more than marriage and inheritance to worry about.
The company is also in production on the CG-animated “Gnomeo and Juliet” for Miramax/Disney. [Variety]

Oh hey look, you made a cute play on words, gold star for you.  Tell your wife, tell your friends — shit, call a press conference, but don’t make us watch an entire movie about it.  And you know what the worst part about this is?  Colin Firth.  There, I said it.

Yo, dawg, you know dat muthaf-ckin Jane Austen book, Pride and Prejudice and shit?  Well imagine that shit… wit zombies.  Awwwwwwwwwww sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit……

JANE Austen’s classic novel Pride and Prejudice is being updated as a zombie horror book and film. A parody of the English novel is due to be published in April under the name Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, with Hollywood studios already bidding to turn the new book into a blockbuster movie.

The new book has been penned by Los Angeles-based TV comedy writer Seth Grahame-Smith*, who has been able to update Austen’s original tale because it is out of copyright.

Austen fans are in for a shock, with heroine Elizabeth Bennet and her four sisters becoming zombie slayers and taught how to fight like Japanese ninjas by Mr Darcy.

“It quickly became obvious that Jane (Austen) had laid down the blueprint for a zombie novel,” The Sunday Times quoted Grahame-Smith as saying. “Why else in the original should a regiment arrive on Lizzie Bennet’s doorstep when they should have been off fighting Napoleon? It was to protect the family from an invasion of brain-eaters, obviously.”  [News.com.au - Thanks to Arik for the tip]

Okay, I admit, that actually sounds kind of awesome.  Plus, it may pave the way for some of the books I’ve written, such as Sense and Sensibility and a Tiger, and The Red Badge of Lesbians.

*who wrote two episodes of “History’s Mysteries”, according to IMDB.