(This week’s Box-Office Wipe Up brought to you by Roland Emmerich’s evil twin, Rolando Emmerich.)
2012 made $65 million over the weekend, which isn’t surprising considering everyone knew about it. Though it should be noted that Roland Emmerich’s last movie, The Day After Tomorrow, actually opened bigger at $68.7 million, and I don’t know think I know anyone who saw that movie. Also… aren’t they the same movie? What’s going on here?
A Christmas Carol dropped only 25% since it’s opening last weekend, leading many to believe it will continue to play into actual Christmas and leaving little hope that Robert Zemeckis will ever abandon this ridiculous motion-capture experiment. We get it, dude, you like computers.
Precious is tearing it up, thanks to Oprah’s Midas ham hands. Either that or it’s doing well because the main character is so hot. Seriously, do any of you have her number? I want to get all up in her Shar Pei folds. Just like I did with my Shar Pei.
Opening this weekend (click titles for reviews, trailer after the jump)
The Box
Frank Langella has a box and if you press the button you get some money, but someone in the world also dies. So what’s the catch again? And how much are we talking, like a twenty spot, or less?
A Christmas Carol
A digital Jim Carrey stars in Robert Zemeckis’ latest attempt to make motion-capture happen. Dude, just film the damn actors, this computer crap looks stupid.
The Fourth Kind
Milla Jovovich and, uh, alien possession or something. I’m a little disappointing with the trailer because I know the first kind is golden showers, the second kind is poo play, and I was kind of intrigued to find out what the fourth kind was. Had my fingers crossed for some sort of shomit bukkake.
Men Who Stare at Goats
George Clooney, The Dude, Ewan Macgregor, goats — what’s not to like? I had high hopes, but the reviews haven’t been too good so far. And now I definitely won’t see it because I trust those fat, disgusting, know-it-all shut-ins like they were my brothers.
Precious
An inner-city girl goes on a quest for the magic ring that turned her fat so she can throw it off a mountain. Just kidding, of course, except the part about her being really fat. Supposed to be good, but then Oprah and Tyler Perry are involved and screw them.
When I see “presented by Oprah and Tyler Perry” at the beginning of a trailer, like this one for Precious, I expect the movie to cure AIDs in Africa and teach an orphan the meaning of love. And if you read the reviews, that’s basically what it does. FilmSchoolReject’s take is fairly representative: “The film is a wonder — a truly moving film that is as engaging and shockingly tragic, but so full of life as any film you will see this year.”
Based on the novel Push by Sapphire (yep, just Sapphire), Precious follows 16-year-old junior-high schooler Clareece Jones through her horribly depressing life, which includes getting beaten by her mother and being pregnant for the second time by her father. Far be it from me to ridicule such life-affirming fare, but I think that necklace was a mistake. It makes her appear heavy.
