You know how sometimes someone sends you a video, and it’s so intriguing that you end up falling down a rabbit hole of an endless phenomenon you never even knew existed? Today was like that for me. Reader Marc sent me this trailer for 1313: Bigfoot Island. You know those movies where some hot chicks go to a secluded place to put on bikinis, then spend the rest of the film bouncing around while something evil chases them? Of course you do, your mom probably starred in them. Well Bigfoot Island is just like that, only in this case, the hot chicks are muscly, nubile, hairless dudes. The plot of this one is that some hot, preppy dudes go to an island together to hang out shirtless (you know, like bros do), when (*RECORD SCRATCH*) they date rape an island girl, who summons some kind of sasquatch to wreak hairy vengeance. The whole thing is like an elaborate softcore metaphor for bear-on-twink action. It’s kind of brilliant. (My favorite part was the limp-wristed running at 1:16.)

But the story doesn’t end there, because what I found out is that there’s a production company called Rapid Heart Productions and a director named David DeCoteau who make these 1313 movies, and there are like a million of them. The posters all follow the same format — shirtless twinks, mean lady, scary building and/or thing. They are glorious. This might be my favorite poster gallery I’ve put together since Steven Seagal. I especially enjoy the taglines, such as “A paranormal thriller for girls!”

Uh huh, for “girls.” Sure. Anyway, I don’t know if the gay community was already aware of these, but if not, consider this a public service.

"COME AT ME, BRO! SERIOUSLY THOUGH, AIM FOR MY CHEST!"

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THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: This week in posters, Titans will wrath, Halle Barry’s bewbs thwart a shark attack, Paul Rudd parties in a sunflower field, Nic Cage looks as bored as you’ve ever seen him, and we learn that not even indie films can resist the sweet, sweet lure of pointlessly diagonal horizon lines. Let’s do it!

WRATH OF THE TITANS: I like this poster far better than the film has any chance of being. Just describing the poster presents a far more intriguing story than the actual film. “Well basically, we took the luckdragon from Neverending Story and stabbed it with a trident until it puked fire.”

See? That’s a way better movie.
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THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: This week, we’ve got STILL MORE DIAGONAL HORIZON LINES, plus Tim and Eric, C-Tates and J-Hill in 21 J-Strizz, and I try to control the homicidal rage I feel towards those Mirror Mirror clowns for missing the best tagline in the history of taglines. Enjoy!

Even if you hate Tim and Eric, you have to admit that they get the best art work. It’s all in the details, like Tim’s fly being a quarter of the way down and the way his belly hangs over just so. Also, I know some people type it “Tim & Eric,” but the ampersand seems needy to me.

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I took this picture inside a theater lobby in San Francisco. It’s a poster for Mirror Mirror (Tarsem Singh’s batshit take on Snow White, not to be confused with the Hot Topic take on same starring Kristen Stewart, Snow White & the Huntsman) starring our favorite popped collar preppy, Armie Hammer.

Without resorting to unwarranted hyperbole, can I just say that THIS IS ABSOLUTELY INFURIATING! (*kicks cat off coffee table*) The poster designer had the BEST tagline of ALL TIME staring him SQUARE IN THE FACE! It was TWO LETTERS away! How many people had to approve this photo before it went to print? Two? Five? Ten? That even ONE let this slip by without IMMEDIATELY changing the tagline to “ARMIE OF ONE” is literally the worst thing since puppy cancer. If I were involved in the making of this poster in any way, I would’ve demanded it be changed and then resigned in protest if I was overruled. That’s a little something we used to call “integrity.”

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(Click for full size)

There’s no use pretending that I’m un-biased about this one, because I’ll be hosting a screening of The FP on February 17th as part of SF indie fest (7:15pm at the Roxie Theater). While I’ll save my full review, I can tell you that it’s probably the best quasi-dystopian hero’s journey set in the world of competitive dance video games written in a fully-realized alternate street vernacular that I’ve ever seen. And if that doesn’t make you want to see it, bro, I don’t even know what your problem is (check out the SXSW trailer here for just a small taste of what I’m talking about).

The press release is below, but the short answer is that it’s hitting select theaters March 16th, and it’s going to kick. Your balls. Up your asshole. Unless you’re a girl, in which case it’s going to storm your uterus and throw Molotov cocktails at your ovaries. It’s that good.

Drafthouse Films, the film distribution arm of the world-famous Alamo Drafthouse Cinema, announced THE FP will open on March 16 in select cities and will have its red carpet premiere in Los Angeles on February 25. A ferocious nod to big-budget studio action fare and underdog sports dramas of the 1980s, THE FP is a high-concept comedy set in a dystopian near future where a relentless turf war rages. Two rival gangs feud for control of rural wasteland Frazier Park in the deadly arena of competitive dance video game “Beat-Beat Revelation.”

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