THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: This week, we’ve got STILL MORE DIAGONAL HORIZON LINES, plus Tim and Eric, C-Tates and J-Hill in 21 J-Strizz, and I try to control the homicidal rage I feel towards those Mirror Mirror clowns for missing the best tagline in the history of taglines. Enjoy!

Even if you hate Tim and Eric, you have to admit that they get the best art work. It’s all in the details, like Tim’s fly being a quarter of the way down and the way his belly hangs over just so. Also, I know some people type it “Tim & Eric,” but the ampersand seems needy to me.

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I took this picture inside a theater lobby in San Francisco. It’s a poster for Mirror Mirror (Tarsem Singh’s batshit take on Snow White, not to be confused with the Hot Topic take on same starring Kristen Stewart, Snow White & the Huntsman) starring our favorite popped collar preppy, Armie Hammer.

Without resorting to unwarranted hyperbole, can I just say that THIS IS ABSOLUTELY INFURIATING! (*kicks cat off coffee table*) The poster designer had the BEST tagline of ALL TIME staring him SQUARE IN THE FACE! It was TWO LETTERS away! How many people had to approve this photo before it went to print? Two? Five? Ten? That even ONE let this slip by without IMMEDIATELY changing the tagline to “ARMIE OF ONE” is literally the worst thing since puppy cancer. If I were involved in the making of this poster in any way, I would’ve demanded it be changed and then resigned in protest if I was overruled. That’s a little something we used to call “integrity.”

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(Click for full size)

There’s no use pretending that I’m un-biased about this one, because I’ll be hosting a screening of The FP on February 17th as part of SF indie fest (7:15pm at the Roxie Theater). While I’ll save my full review, I can tell you that it’s probably the best quasi-dystopian hero’s journey set in the world of competitive dance video games written in a fully-realized alternate street vernacular that I’ve ever seen. And if that doesn’t make you want to see it, bro, I don’t even know what your problem is (check out the SXSW trailer here for just a small taste of what I’m talking about).

The press release is below, but the short answer is that it’s hitting select theaters March 16th, and it’s going to kick. Your balls. Up your asshole. Unless you’re a girl, in which case it’s going to storm your uterus and throw Molotov cocktails at your ovaries. It’s that good.

Drafthouse Films, the film distribution arm of the world-famous Alamo Drafthouse Cinema, announced THE FP will open on March 16 in select cities and will have its red carpet premiere in Los Angeles on February 25. A ferocious nod to big-budget studio action fare and underdog sports dramas of the 1980s, THE FP is a high-concept comedy set in a dystopian near future where a relentless turf war rages. Two rival gangs feud for control of rural wasteland Frazier Park in the deadly arena of competitive dance video game “Beat-Beat Revelation.”

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As if the old “intertwining vignettes of rom-com clichés played by famous chicks” storyline wasn’t already enough of a testicle forcefield, What to Expect When You’re Expecting has released character posters of all the principles, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Elizabeth Banks, Brooklyn Decker, and Anna Kendrick… and they’re all pregnant. Five pregnant chicks. Revolting. MORE LIKE WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTORATING, AMIRITE? Not even Brooklyn Decker’s coquettish, “Oops, someone f*cked a baby into me, tee hee!” face could make this palatable. On the plus side, I emailed this to Burnsy and now our periods are synchronized. This ad campaign is the perfect gender-reverse of those Dr. Pepper 10 commercials.

“What to Expect When You’re Expecting: It’s not for men.”

Women be shoppin, y’all. Women be shoppin’.

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THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: It was a slower week on the poster front, but there’s still lots to see including Prometheus, Amanda Seyfried as a porn star, Statham, and I swear to God, Stephen Dorff. Trust me, man, I wouldn’t lie to you about Stephen Dorff.

Prometheus: Not much different than what we’ve already seen, just a little brighter. Every time I see one of these I have to try not to make a Big Giant Head reference from Third Rock from the Sun that no one will get. What! Joseph Gordon-Levitt was on that show! You’re telling me it’s still not cool? Fine. Whatever, man. I’ll just say that “a search for your beginning that leads to your end” creates a very head-up-your-own-ass visual.
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