Probably no one gives a crap, but Uwe Boll’s Postal came out on DVD last week. They sent me a copy and I tried to watch it intending to write a review, but I only made it through about 30 minutes. The cover describes it as “Disgusting. Offensive. Stupid.”, and really it’s only the third one. Even the most “outrageous” comedy has to bear some semblance to life on Earth or actual human interaction, otherwise it’s just… a waste of time. Postal is like that. It’s pure camp, a big, fluffy nothing of a movie. Not nearly as loathsome as the Meet the Spartans guys, just kind of lame. Anyway, now you can see what I’m talking about after the jump.

I was, however, impressed with Dave Foley’s gratuitous full-frontal scene. You’re a braver man than I, sir Foley.
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A free screening of Uwe Boll’s Postal was held in Hoboken over the weekend, and of the 200 people that showed up, three quarters reportedly walked out before the end.  But if you think that’s the best part of the story, you’ve got another thing coming.

Mat Levy — who had his 15 minutes of fame as "Cheezy" on season two of VH1′s celebrity dating show "I Love New York" — was one of those who found the movie in bad taste.

Read that last paragraph a couple more times and try to keep your head from exploding.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.

The last straw for Levy was a scene in which two terrorists hijack a plane in a 9/11-style attack, but then decide to abandon the suicide mission and fly to the Bahamas instead — only to wind up crashing into a building after the passengers storm the cockpit.

For shame, Mr. Boll!  You have offended the one they call Cheezy!  The article goes on to quote Mayor David Roberts expressing similar reservations with the 9/11-themed content.  Cheezy and the mayor are the only two quoted in the article, and the manner in which the reporter deals with them leads me to believe that this kind of thing happens all the time in New Jersey.  I can only imagine the society pages include glossy shots of the County Commissioner at a state dinner with his guest of honor, Glitter from A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.  Between the wetlands protection act and Glitter’s recent triumph at the dildo-swallowing contest, there was much to discuss.  -Thanks to Robo for the tip

Surprising few, Indiana Jones and the Holy Crap, How Many More Fake Names am I Going to Have to Come Up with for This destroyed the competition at the Box Office this weekend, raking in $311 million dollars worldwide during the long weekend.

    Paramount Pictures estimated the action sequel made $151.1 million in the U.S. and Canada from Thursday to the holiday Monday and $160 million overseas.
    It marked the second biggest Memorial Day weekend opening ever, behind only "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End," which made $153 million domestically from Thursday to Monday last year.

Even accounting for the film’s $185 million dollar production budget and reputed $100 million dollar marketing budget, it still earned approximately a buttload.  Congratulations to Executive Producers George Lucas and Steven Spielberg – no one can write an unsarcastic scene in which Shia LeBeouf fights communists using an army of monkeys like they can.   

Uwe Boll’s Postal also did well, earning $8200 on ten screens – at least enough to cover Boll’s bullhorn and funny hat budget.

Uwe Boll based a large part of his publi-shitty campaign for Postal around the notion that it’d be opening the same weekend as Indiana Jones and the Monkey Circle Jerk.   But while Indy opens on 9,500 screens, Postal, which had originally targeted 1,500, will be opening on just 13-15 screens*.

    A spokesman for the AMC theater chain said, "We carefully evaluate the movies that we choose to play in our theaters and elected not to put this film in our theaters because we feel is does not have potential for commercial success in the U.S."
     …Distribution will be limited to New York, Los Angeles and a half-dozen or so other markets.  -[THR]

As much as this movie looks really stupid, Uwe Boll is a big girl for not fighting me, and the entire concept of movies based on video games is retarded, I have to take Uwe’s side on this one.  Is Postal really going to be any worse than Meet the Spartans?  Doubtful.  A snuff film starring my mother wouldn’t be worse than Meet the Spartans.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that instead of making movies, the guys behind Meet the Spartans should fight Uwe Boll in a gladatorial death match and have someone else film it.  Retard Knife Fight will be the best work they’ve ever done.

*Robo previously quoted a report saying Postal was only opening on four screens, but that now appears to have been slightly exaggerated. 

The trailer for Uwe Boll’s Postal is after the jump.  Brian Ashcraft at kotaku reports that it’s opening on only four screens.  That’s still four screens too many.

Uwe Boll gave his explanation in a press release:

"Theatrical distributors are boycotting Postal because of its political content. We were prepared to open on 1500 screens all across America on May 23rd. Any multiplex in the U.S. should have space for us, but they’re afraid… We have even tried to buy a few screens in New York and Los Angeles, and they won’t let us even rent the theaters! I urge independent exhibitors to contact us and book ‘Postal’! Audiences have been expecting the film and I don’t think exhibitors should censor what gets played in U.S. theaters."

I assume "political content" is German for "lack of anything resembling good filmmaking".  Isn’t it neat when words that look like English mean other things in foreign languages?  – RoboPanda

[Mad props to JHC for the link and to IGN for the trailer]