Last we heard, WB’s plan to adapt Stephen King’s The Stand was for multiple movies to be directed by Harry Potter‘s David Yates. Apparently that idea fell through (possibly because Yates and his writer Steve Kloves were too expensive), because now Deadline reports that Warner wants Ben Affleck for the project.  HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, BRETT RATNAH, YOU QUEAH.

Warner Bros has chosen Ben Affleck to adapt and direct The Stand, Stephen King’s apocalyptic mammoth book. Affleck has become a cornerstone director for the studio, but this would be his greatest challenge yet. Even King has been reticent about the idea of making a feature of his book, which previously was turned into a miniseries. With The Town and Gone Baby Gone, Affleck has shown the grit necessary to handle such an unforgettable tale. It’s early days, but the studio loves Affleck, who’s now directing Argo. [Deadline]

HE GAWT THE JAWB CAUSE HE’S GAWT GRIT! BEN AFFLECK IS THE GRITTIEST! HE JUST GOES IN THEYAH AN PUTS ON HIS FACKIN’ HAHD HAT AN PUNCHES THE TIME CLAWCK AND DOES HIS FACKIN’ JAWB! HE’S LIKE THE WES WELKAH OF HAWLLYWOOD DIRECTAHS! ME, SQUEEZEBAWX, CASPAH, AN’ WAWP JOHNNY AH GONNA READ THIS ‘THE STAND’ AND SEE WHAT AWLL THE FACKIN FUSS IS ABOUT– 823 FACKIN’ PAGES?! WHAT IS THIS, A HAHVAHD BOOK? (*throws book at Yankees fan*)

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In what I’m sure is nothing more than a publicity stunt (but also a surefire traffic generator, since you people are incapable of not clicking something with ‘porn’ in the title — trust me, I’ve seen the numbers), a San Fernando porn studio began construction on a post-apocalyptic underground survival bunker this month. The move safeguards our nation’s most precious resource, her porn stars, and ensures that no matter what happens, cockroaches will have something to jack off to.

A spokesman for Van Nuys-based Pink Visual said the bunker will be “far more than a mere bomb shelter or subterranean survivalist enclave” with amenities such as multiple fully-stocked bars, an enormous performing stage and a sophisticated content production studio.

“Our goal is nothing less than to survive the apocalypse to come in comfort and luxury,” said Pink Visual spokesman Quentin Boyer, “whether that catastrophe takes the form of fireballs flung earthward by an all-seeing deity, extended torrential rainfall, Biblical rapture, an earthquake-driven mega-tsunami, radioactive flesh-eating zombies, or some combination of the above.”

Man, they really missed an opportunity to describe it as “fireballs splooged towards Earth by a sex-crazed deity, or perhaps multiple deities in some sort of polytheistic bukkakecopalypse.”

The studio’s website will also be maintained and updated throughout any potential disaster “even if those websites are only available on the bunker’s self-contained local network by that time,” Boyer added. [CBSLocalLA]

The bunker will supposedly have room for 1,200 to 1,500 people, and according to the “blueprints,” will include such amenities as a “co-ed glass shower enclosure decontamination unit,” (decontamination, sure, that’s rich), “private fertility chambers,” and “hydroponics/refrigeration beverage center.” In any case, I sure hope I’m one of the lucky 1200. I’d love to spend eternity jacking off in front of my computer to porn made by people having actual sex in the rooms next door. I’m going out the way I came in, baby.

Sidenote: This story IS Los Angeles.

Here’s a short clip from Daybreakers in which a dude demands more blood in his coffee and before you know it, a FEEDING FRENZY breaks out!  OOH WHA-AAA AA-AA!  Sorry I don’t have more time to explain this clip or write something coherent, but I’m rushing out the door to get on a plane.  But you know who’d like this clip?  Professor Sharksworth, that’s who.

(Damn Nation —> Damn Yankees. Don’t tell me you don’t see the connection.)

We’ve had 1000 vampire projects, 1000 post-apocalypse projects, and even a vampire post-apocalypse project.  But Hollywood is like BASF, in that they don’t make a lot of the products you buy, they make a lot of the products you buy sh-ttier and more derivative.

Ashley Edward Miller and Zack Stentz, who wrote “Thor” for Marvel, have come aboard to pen “Damn Nation,” a futuristic vampire project lurking at Paramount, based on a comic by Andrew Cosby and Jason Alexander (not the “Seinfeld” actor).

Set in a U.S. evacuated after an attack from “inhuman nocturnal predators,” the comic tells the tale of the survivors after the government has been forced to relocate to London while scientists search for a solution. [THR]

Sweet, well that sounds pretty sh-tty.  28 Doomsdays of Night Later, they could call it.  You know who I bet would like this?  This guy:

[His name's Chris Noel, btw.  I bet he parties with Weston Coppola Cage. Puffy paint parties.]

Aside from zombies, the two most overused elements in movies today are vampires and the post apocalypse.  Yet Daybreakers has them both and somehow still seems fresh.  Maybe it’s because of Willem Dafoe?  Anyway, this is the second trailer.  Basically, Willem Dafoe and Ethan Hawke are living in a future that’s kind of like the vampire Matrix where everyone’s a vampire and humans are farmed for their blood.  Willem Dafoe is one of the last surviving humans and Ethan Hawke has invented a magic potion that turns vampires back into humans.  Also, there are crossbows.  Hopefully at some point, someone will ask Willem Dafoe how he plans to beat the bats, and he’ll be like “Easy. I brought my Hawke.”

Ow, shut up, I was already leaving.