Last year’s 3D softcore success story out of China, 3D Sex & Zen: Extreme Ecstasy (incorrectly identified as the “first” 3D porno), is set to get a sequel. 63-year-old Hong Kong film producer Stephen Shiu has announced plans for 4D Sex and Zen: Slayer of a Thousand from the Mysterious East. A four-dimensional porno?!? Does this mean I can finally go back in time and have sex with high school girls to make up for all the time I spent not having sex in high school? WAIT, NO, I WANT TO BUTTF*CK HITLER!

The 63-year-old producer revealed that he aims to achieve this by installing vibrating seats in cinemas that will be screening the 4D movie, a technology which had already been introduced in Hong Kong, and which will serve to enhance the viewers’ experience. [Yahoo]

God dammit. FOR THE LAST TIME, PEOPLE, A SENSE IS NOT THE SAME THING AS A DIMENSION. You can’t promise people a journey into another dimension and then just tickle their vagina. Well, you can, but I’m pretty sure you’d have to give them their money back if they asked. That said, I like the idea of a bunch of Chinese people traveling hours by bus from the mainland to sit in a movie theater with a room full of other Chinese people wearing goggles while a vibrating chair gives them orgasms. It’s like the biggest-budget episode of Real Sex of all time.

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Last week I told you about UFC ring girl Chandella Powell, whose past as a softcore porn actress with the alias Mariah Ashton had been discovered, who was rumored to have been fired because of it. Chandella finally took to her Twitter to address the rumors over the weekend, and it turns out the porn part was true, but the firing part, not so much.

When you are young, you often don’t realize that your actions have consequences. I made a bad decision about ten years ago, but you learn from these moments. There is nothing I can do to change the past, and believe me, if I could, I would. That decision doesn’t represent who I am today. All I can do now is put the past behind me and move forward. I am sorry to disappoint any of my fans and my family at Zuffa. I love you guys :)

Not to get Shouty McSoapbox on you guys, but am I the only one annoyed that she feels like she has to apologize? What the f*ck are you apologizing for? Who are these fans who who were big proponents of a girl in a bikini who did Playboy, who were HORRIFIED when they found out the same girl had exposed her labia in a non-demure manner? (As opposed to the other ring girls who exposed it in a virtuous manner in Playboy). Identify yourselves, and then please, step into traffic. “I’m so sorry to the people who film my butt while I hold numbers over my head! I should’ve been related to someone famous before I had sex on camera like Kim Kardashian!”

Look, I know we have to accept a certain amount of hypocrisy just to keep our institutions running, but the idea that a girl walking around in a bikini as eye candy for horny dudes should have to apologize to those same horny dudes for not being bashful enough is a bridge too far for me. And as a horny dude, anything that discourages young girls from going full frontal offends me deeply.

Left image via UFC, right image of her petting her kitty while eating a cupcake via Danni.com

UPDATE, 2-20-12: Looks like she hasn’t been fired.

So far it’s still just a rumor, but according to the rumor, UFC ring girl Chandella Powell (left) was fired from the UFC for not disclosing that she used to do softcore porn under the alias Mariah Ashton (right) — as reported here, here, here, and here. Chandella’s twitter has been silent since the 11th, she wasn’t at this Wednesday’s UFC Fight Night on Fuel (DIEGO WAS ROBBED!) and Dana White has yet to weigh in. At the very least, it seems pretty likely that Chandella and Mariah are the same chick. I couldn’t dig up any IMDB-worthy titles, but her Danni.com profile is here (NSFW, obviously) and there seem to be no shortage of videos going around.

The retarded thing about all of this is that the UFC hired her knowing full well that she had been a Playboy model, and their current poster ring girl, Arianny Celeste, did a Playboy spread with the full blessing of the brass (try not to make a joke trynottomakeajoke…). So if they did fire her (we’ll likely find out in the next couple days), we now know that all that separates UFC poster girl from shameful, unemployable whore is a few centimeters of exposed labia and butthole. And let’s not forget that her job was to hold up numbers while looking good in a bikini and not freak out when the camera man blatantly zoomed in on her ass. I guess the message is, if you’re going to pose nude, you have to pretend to look surprised about it.

It’s 2012. Are we still carrying on with this idea that everyone can watch porn, but if you actually make it, you have to be a pariah for the rest of your life, not fit to wear a logo bikini and get jeered at by drunks between rounds of sweaty dudes in spandex manties choke ‘bating each other (and I say this as a die-hard fan)? Let’s not forget that half our current crop of tabloid stars got where they are through half-hearted homemade porn. Anyway, let’s hope it turns out not to be true, because right now I’m so angry that I can barely masturbate to this.

A tragic, disgraceful witch hunt is playing out in India right now, as three politicians from a morally conservative party were forced to resign yesterday after they were caught watching pornography on a cell phone during a state assembly session. As a professional blogger, it makes me sick to my stomach to learn that even in this day and age, some men aren’t allowed to watch porn at work. STOP THE PINK SCARE!

News channels broadcast footage showing Karnataka state Minister for Cooperation Laxman Savadi sharing a porn clip with his colleague C.C. Patil, the minister for women and child development, while sitting in the state assembly.

Cooperation, women, and child development! Porn requires all of those things! This is important research! They don’t even say what kind of porn it was, maybe it was really tasteful, like a duke and a duchess doing anal.

The owner of the phone, state Minister for Ports, Science and Technology Krishna Palemar, also quit.
“We are requesting the honorable Speaker of the House to conduct an inquiry and we’ll come out with a clean chit,” Patil said, denying that they were deliberately looking at porn.
The three men said they did not want to cause any embarrassment for their party, the Hindu nationalist Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), which rules the state and is in opposition at a national level. [Reuters]

Ah, the old “whoops, I didn’t mean to look at porn” defense. Yeah, I don’t know what happened, it’s probably a problem with the phone, you should call tech support. You don’t even need a phone for that in India, just shout. (Haha, good one, Jay!)

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LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa (formerly Tony Vilar, as Adam Corolla is so fond of pointing out) this week signed into law an ordinance requiring porn performers to wear condoms on adult films shot within the city of Los Angeles. Obviously, this rule will be easily enforced, impossible to get around, and obeyed by all porn performers. (*shoots Peter North load of sarcasm*)

There are a couple of potential loopholes in the ordinance, however. The city ordinance does not apply to filming that occurs on certified sound stages that don’t require film permits. And porn studios, which often use homes in the Valley and backyards to film, could opt to move their shoots into L.A. County’s other 87 cities or in unincorporated areas of the county.

Shocking. The LA Times calls the bill a “landmark” and the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, who sponsored it, are hailing it as a huge victory. Even though, well, it doesn’t really do anything, and the problem it’s solving seems to be entirely imaginary.

The mayor’s approval was a huge victory for the L.A.-based AIDS Healthcare Foundation, which has waged a lonely battle for years arguing to protect the health of porn performers. Porn production across the industry has been halted several times over the last decade following concerns that adult film performers have been infected with HIV. Two porn performers who were infected with HIV have since become vocal proponents of a mandatory condom policy. [LATimes]

The AIDS Healthcare Foundation forced the issue after gathering enough signatures to get the ordinance put on the June ballot. They were able to gather those signatures because of the PR push they got from an HIV case that shut down the porn industry back in August, a case mentioned in both the LA Times’ and Time‘s coverage of the new law. What neither mention is that the case in question actually turned out to be a false positive.

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