Because I know that we’re all on the edges of our seats for the release of Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom, Vivid Video has a new trailer available on its website that boasts other such celebrity sex tape superstars like Kim Kardashian, Mindy McCready, Chyna, Shauna Sand, Carissa Shannon, Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, Montana Fishburne and Vince Neil, among others. And just like all of those other celebrity sex tapes *wink, wink, wink, wink* this one was totally never meant to be seen by the public.

Except we know that it was, because Farrah Abraham, one of the stars of MTV’s Teen Mom, was paid an estimated $1.5 million for her efforts, depending on which reports you believe, and her sex tape co-star is James Deen, who is arguably the most recognizable male porn star in the business today. And he said it was staged, as was their fake relationship, and then she responded by telling TMZ that he has a small penis, which was hilarious because he’s a porn star.

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Last we heard from Farrah Abraham, she of MTV’s Teen Mom “fame,” she had become a cautionary tale for pseudo-celebs trying to climb Jacob’s fame ladder using a sex tape everywhere. Her first mistake was hiring a porn star (James Deen) to shoot it with. Her second mistake was assuming he’d play along with her lame idea of pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend for the paparazzi. Her third mistake was telling people he had a small penis after it all went south, which was clearly a brilliant insult to use on a guy whose job is showing people his penis. Man, it’s like everything that comes out of her is a mistake. While a just world would award her zero points and may God have mercy on her soul, she apparently managed to weasel almost $1 million out of Vivid for a tape that will reportedly be called Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. Hey, credit where credit’s due, it’s a good title.

About three weeks after she filmed a sex tape with adult film star James Deen — and a couple weeks of very public negotiations — the 21-year-old former Teen Mom star has reportedly landed a deal with porn company Vivid. According to TMZ, Abraham has signed a contract with Vivid’s Steve Hirsch for nearly a million dollars. The site also reports that the film now has its raunchy title: Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom.

I don’t know, man. I’m just not sure if I can enjoy a porn tape now that I know the stars aren’t really in love.

The lucrative payday is a little bit less than Abraham had publicly hoped for. Copping to the existence of the tape to Us Weekly on April 10, Abraham mused, “I will not be settling for anything less then a couple million.” In the days that followed, Abraham was shot visiting Vivid’s offices (in the company of daughter Sophia, 3, and her father) and lunching with Hirsch as they reportedly hammered out the details of the deal.
Why did Abaraham do it in the first place? Sources told Us that she’s desperate to revive her career after Teen Mom’s September 2012 finale failed to lead to a new reality show. “She tried to recruit a boyfriend for Couples Therapy,” one pal told Us. “But no one would do it.”
She mused to Us of the film: “When I’m older, I’ll have my best year to look back on.”

I don’t know if she was misquoted, or if she really said her best “year,” singular. If she really did, my God, I want to sop up that pathos with a biscuit. Meanwhile, TMZ has the actual DVD cover:

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Look, I’m not here to tell anyone to do or not do porn, but if you are thinking about it, the first thing that you should know is that if you get any amount of non-porn fame after the fact, the company you made porn for is going to out you faster than I could crank one out to your clip. It’s basically illegal for them to do so, of course, but all it takes is one “anonymous” tip to turn an obscure, half-assed porn clip into the most valuable piece of content in town. But while it’s predictable, it’s still shady, and it’s interesting to go down the rabbit hole (possible porn title) with the recent outing of former Miss Delaware Teen USA Melissa King, whom it was recently discovered had once filmed a triple X scene for a site called GirlsDoPorn (well, alleged outing, anyway, since King still sort of denies that it’s her in the video). The company went so far as to release a clip of King saying her name and agreeing to the terms of her contract on video.

Again, I’m pret-tay sure that’s illegal, but more interestingly, our friend Eric Barry did some digging on that particular outfit, and while it’s not a surprise that they won’t be getting any awards from the Better Business Bureau any time soon, some of the stuff he found you just can’t make up. The company that outed Melissa King, in fact, has connections to drug money laundering, illegal arms smuggling, and massive Russian tax fraud. The connection? A mysterious Australian businessman called “Lord Stubbington,” which, incredibly, is not a porn name, but an actual title.

Okay, let’s back up:

According to GirlsDoPorn.com’s 2257 page, their Custodian of Records is located in Port Vila, Vanuatu. What’s that you say? You’ve never heard of the archipelagic island nation located 1,100 miles off of Australia’s east coast? Well that’s funny, because that’s where “Sir” “Professor” Geoffrey Taylor runs a whole host of shell companies linked to arms trades, tax fraud, and general shadiness. The name of the business that Geoffrey Taylor uses to run these companies? GT Group, LTD. That’s right! The SAME company listed as the Custodian of Records on the GirlsDoPorn website!

GDP claims its actual incorporated name is Bubblegum Films, Inc. That name sounded really familiar to me. And then I remembered how I’d run across a Craigslist post last year from a supposed modeling agency looking for models with “no experience” who they’d be shooting right from day 1. Even more suspicious, they claimed they’d be paying the models $1500 for the shoot. The name of that company? Bubblegum Casting. If the pubescent feel of the “modeling agency”‘s name and site aren’t enough to give you pause, consider this: sources say King was paid $1500 for her GDP shoot – exactly the same amount I saw in the Bubblegum posting – and the same amount Bubblegum says they pay on their own Facebook page. Furthermore, both GDP and Bubblegum share the same, rather obscure domain registrar information. But nowhere on Bubblegum’s page does it mention that models are applying to engage in adult modeling, but instead focuses on the comfortable environment created for aspiring models who have zero experience. All of its promotional videos show photoshoots exclusively of models wearing the Bubblegum apparelin extremely low-budget shoots – not a very lucrative business model considering Bubblegum doesn’t even sell merchandise. [BrokeAssStuart]

The fact that a shady “modeling agency’ tricks naive, wannabe models into doing porn could actually be considered remarkably transparent in the porn world, where many videos purport to depict exactly that. …You know, so I’ve heard. And who knows how much they’ve now made off that initial investment of a modest $1500? However much it is, I’m sure their contract doesn’t require them to share any of it with their outed star.

But what about this Geoffrey Taylor guy? Yeah, so he’s the British-born 68-year-old now living in Queensland, Australia who also goes by  “Lord Stubbington.” And strap in, because here’s where it gets good.
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Another day, another person with a secret porn past. As Gawker reported last night, the recently-crowned Miss Delaware Teen USA, Melissa M. King, resigned after a video surfaced on GirlsdoPorn.com (NSFW, duh) that appears to show someone who looks a lot like King. The girl in the video says she turned 18 three months earlier and that she needs the money, just prior doing the kind of stuff people usually do in porno (pretty tame for XXX, actually, the guy even wears a condom. not that I’ve watched.). King has so far denied that the girl in the porn is her, but asking us to believe that she’s resigning because a girl in a porno just reeeally looks like her would require a Shyamalan-esque leap in logic.

In a phone interview with The News Journal on Monday, King said she was aware of the video, but denied appearing in it.
“Absolutely not,” she said. “It is not.”
Of the porn site’s claim [that the girl is her], she said: “There are comments saying this; however, it’s not comments that are true.”
Asked if the woman in the video is just someone who closely resembles her, King said, “Um, I’d rather not be talking right now, but yeah.” [DelawareOnline]

A very pageant-girl doublespeak answer. “Yes, you are correct in saying that there are comments saying this, however those are comments that are not true. So in a sense, everyone’s right. Now, let’s talk about the bigger issues, like childhood hunger.”

I always feel a little bad reporting stories like this. Of course it’s titillating, because the only thing hotter than finding out a “barely legal” porn girl is actually barely legal is knowing that a porn girl is a real person, who wears socks and eats food and has normal, wholesome hobbies like regular peoples (and I don’t mean pageantry, which is clearly perverse). I promise, if a stripper came out in a hoodie and lounging-around clothes instead of the normal stripper gear, she would absolutely clean up. That said, a big part of my enjoyment of porn is the fantasy that, for the girl in the video, the whole having-sex-on-camera thing is perfectly natural. I engage in a type of magical where I assume that me and the porno are actually helping this nice young lady find this judgment-free arena, away from the prying eyes and tutting fingers of our evil puritanical society, where she can finally be herself. Which of course involves her sharing her most intimate sexy times and willing bukakke face for our enjoyment. A story like this, where the girl characterizes the whole escapade as this big mistake that she made one time that she’s going to regret for years to come sort of punctures that bubble.

Once you move on in life people shouldn’t try to use your past against you… Let them be happy

— Melissa King (@Melissa_M_King) February 23, 2013

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I have the most conflicted boner right now. On a serious note, I wish her all the best. People who judge the performers in the porn we all watch are the worst kind of hypocrites.

The Canyons famously stars sometime porn actor James Deen and Lindsay Lohan, and, after getting rejected by both Sundance and SXSW, was probably well on its way to obscurity, leaving behind little but a really good NY Times profile. But now it seems that it will hold onto its fame a few minutes longer, as Vivid has offered James Deen the unprecedented opportunity to direct and star in in the XXX parody of his own movie. Normally, I’d say something like this was a cheap publicity stunt – and it is a cheap publicity stunt – but the guy’s already a porn star. It’s not like there’s anything stopping him. In my experience, porn stars aren’t especially picky about their scripts.

Here’s the letter, from Vivid Entertainment’s Steve Hirsch. Forgive the grammar/spelling errors, he is a pornographer.

Hi James,
We’ve been following the news of your mainstream movie “The Canyons” with great anticipation, and we have a business offer that we think will intrigue you.
As you know Vivid is widely recognized as the leader in adult parodies and we would like to produce aVividTV parody of “The Canyons” directed by you, and starring you.
It would be a first in parodies…the actual star of a mainstream movie also starring in an X-Rated version of that same movie! How cool is that?

“Hi James?” Not even “Hi, James?” Man, somewhere, the Microsoft Paperclip is telling anyone at the bar who’ll listen, “See? I told you these motherf*ckers would be lost without me.”

Anyway, it’s ironic that Lindsay Lohan’s co-star, who she was convinced was stealing her thunder (rightly, I might add), is the one getting offers to play the porn parody version of himself. We always assumed it would be Lindsay who’d be the first to play the porn parody version of herself (I mean, career-wise, she’s already 70 percent there). I have to commend commenter Jacktion! for leaving the following prescient comment way back in May 2010:

Jacktion! says: I think Lindsay Lohan is playing Linda Lovelace in the porn remake of the Linda Lovelace biopic.

Almost, buddy. Almost.

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