A tragic, disgraceful witch hunt is playing out in India right now, as three politicians from a morally conservative party were forced to resign yesterday after they were caught watching pornography on a cell phone during a state assembly session. As a professional blogger, it makes me sick to my stomach to learn that even in this day and age, some men aren’t allowed to watch porn at work. STOP THE PINK SCARE!

News channels broadcast footage showing Karnataka state Minister for Cooperation Laxman Savadi sharing a porn clip with his colleague C.C. Patil, the minister for women and child development, while sitting in the state assembly.

Cooperation, women, and child development! Porn requires all of those things! This is important research! They don’t even say what kind of porn it was, maybe it was really tasteful, like a duke and a duchess doing anal.

The owner of the phone, state Minister for Ports, Science and Technology Krishna Palemar, also quit.
“We are requesting the honorable Speaker of the House to conduct an inquiry and we’ll come out with a clean chit,” Patil said, denying that they were deliberately looking at porn.
The three men said they did not want to cause any embarrassment for their party, the Hindu nationalist Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), which rules the state and is in opposition at a national level. [Reuters]

Ah, the old “whoops, I didn’t mean to look at porn” defense. Yeah, I don’t know what happened, it’s probably a problem with the phone, you should call tech support. You don’t even need a phone for that in India, just shout. (Haha, good one, Jay!)

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LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa (formerly Tony Vilar, as Adam Corolla is so fond of pointing out) this week signed into law an ordinance requiring porn performers to wear condoms on adult films shot within the city of Los Angeles. Obviously, this rule will be easily enforced, impossible to get around, and obeyed by all porn performers. (*shoots Peter North load of sarcasm*)

There are a couple of potential loopholes in the ordinance, however. The city ordinance does not apply to filming that occurs on certified sound stages that don’t require film permits. And porn studios, which often use homes in the Valley and backyards to film, could opt to move their shoots into L.A. County’s other 87 cities or in unincorporated areas of the county.

Shocking. The LA Times calls the bill a “landmark” and the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, who sponsored it, are hailing it as a huge victory. Even though, well, it doesn’t really do anything, and the problem it’s solving seems to be entirely imaginary.

The mayor’s approval was a huge victory for the L.A.-based AIDS Healthcare Foundation, which has waged a lonely battle for years arguing to protect the health of porn performers. Porn production across the industry has been halted several times over the last decade following concerns that adult film performers have been infected with HIV. Two porn performers who were infected with HIV have since become vocal proponents of a mandatory condom policy. [LATimes]

The AIDS Healthcare Foundation forced the issue after gathering enough signatures to get the ordinance put on the June ballot. They were able to gather those signatures because of the PR push they got from an HIV case that shut down the porn industry back in August, a case mentioned in both the LA Times’ and Time‘s coverage of the new law. What neither mention is that the case in question actually turned out to be a false positive.

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[Photo courtesy of XOJane. Check out their AVN coverage here]

On one of our more popular Frotcasts, we ambushed Rocco Reed and Chanel Preston, the stars of Romeo and Juliet XXX, with our lengthy lists of possible Shakespearian porno titles, such as “Ass, You Like It,” and “Much Ado about Nutting.” They seemed… mildly amused, kinda. But the AVN Awards, infamous for doling out buckets of awards for just about everything, has one award in particular that seemed tailor-made for People Like Us: the Clever Title of the Year Award.

In my mind, “I Want You to Make My Mouth Pregnant” is the clear leader, though “Roll Me a Fatty” is a nice visual (hard to do with a double entendre!). I’m also drawn to Montana Fishburne’s ex-lover B. Pumper’s film “Sweaty College Girl Butt Stinky Panties.” You can read that ten times and interpret it differently each time. I mean, is it a college girl who’s stinky, or is “Sweaty College Girl Butt” all one phrase, and it refers only to the butt that’s sweaty? Or maybe it’s a story about GirlButt StinkyPanties, a student at Sweaty College. The possibilities are nearly endless. That’s the beauty of a good title, it opens doors, it doesn’t close them. A title should be like your mom’s legs.

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And then she was like, "Why don't you go f*ck your ipad?" And I was like, "Wait, what did you say? ...RUTH, YOU'RE A GENIUS!"

Howdy, fellas. Are you bored of being able to search through more hot, bare vaginas than you even knew existed, watch them get slammed, stuffed, and be-dildoed by all manner of penis, animal, and vegetable, and then having to pleasure yourself to it using your boring old hand? What am I, an australopithecus? Do I live in a cave? Am I jerking off to a skeleton of Lucy? No, what you need, modern homo sapien, is a Fleshlipad. It’s an attachment that takes your Fleshlight, a disembodied vagina made of latex stuffed inside a flashlight casing (put it in the freezer for the full Dahmer effect!), and allows you to attach it to your iPad while it displays images of hot babes. Imagination is for suckers! If only your dear old grandad had had one of these in Turkish prison!

I’m already drawing up the papers for my new charity, where I drop porn-filled Fleshlipads over third world countries to combat overpopulation. Although those would probably just lead to the formation of elaborate cargo cults.

If the epitaph of the universe was written today, it would read “Big Bang, Space Travel, F*ckable iPad.” (uncensored, NSFW-ish pictures below)

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Folks, honest Injun, I had no idea my coverage of Hazel “Two-Vag” Jones was going to eat up three separate posts today, but here we are. Uproxx’s own Cajun Boy has informed me that not only do pictures of Hazel Jones’s two vaginas exist, video of it is freely available on YouTube. I also turned up an article from Bizarre in which she poses holding double-sided dildos on her head like rabbit ears and squirts honey onto her crotch with two bottles. Oh, England. I haven’t loved you this much since Gordon Ramsay’s porn dwarf was eaten by badgers.

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