A few days ago, I linked an Asylum story about 18-year-old Arizona State freshman geology major* Elizabeth Hawkenson, who had reportedly had her scholarship revoked after appearing in a “casting couch” porno in which she holds up her actual ASU ID card (note: probably not the best idea).  The basis of the story was a letter supposedly sent to the ASU regents by an “anonymous alumnus” who was outraged with Hawkenson’s “degrading sexual activities” and demanded her $33,000 scholarship be revoked.  Today, the Phoenix New Times reports that the Board of Regents says they never received such a letter, Hawkenson is still enrolled and lives in a dorm, and her scholarship has not been revoked. Buzzfeed says the letter may have been a 4-chan hoax.

The format of the casting couch video (it’s linked in the Phoenix New Times story) is that a guy brings a pretty young girl into his office who supposedly thinks she’s just auditioning for a modeling job, at which point the director eventually talks her into having sex on camera.  In case you just fell off the ‘tard bus, none of that is true (but you never know what guys will believe with a boner in their hand).

“The whole thing is scripted,” Hawkenson tells New Times. “I knew going in there it was for sex.”
She says she was paid $2,000 and assured the video would only appear on the part of the Web site people had to pay to see.
That didn’t happen. The video found it’s [sic] way to free porn sites like P0rnhub.com and Hawkenson became (ahem) a star. She says the publicity she’s gotten from the video has “been treacherous for [her].”
She says she found her way to the “casting couch” after she was short on tuition. She’s from out of state, so her tuition is about $30,000 a year. Her scholarship is spread out over four years.
She says she did some fully clothed modeling for Mayflower Models and agents repeatedly asked her to appear in porn.
“I was like ‘no way, I have morals,’” she says.
With the tuition deadline approaching, Hawkenson took them up on the offer.

Now, a couple things.  First, there are two extremely surprising things about this story.

1. A girl who said she was 18 in a porn film was actually 18.

2. A girl in a porno who said she plays in the school band actually plays in the school band.  (She also plays a mean skin flute OH! /Dice).

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At long last, New Sensations, the company that brought you, uh, all those other porn parodies, is bringing you The Breakfast Club XXX.   I’m a little surprised it took them this long to get to the Breakfast Club, considering they already parodied the decidedly less sexy Golden Girls and Curb Your Enthusiasm.  If they do one about Al Gore banging Larry David’s wife, I might have to join the Lose Your Breakfast Club (*gets sprayed in the face with seltzer*).  Nonetheless, Faye Reagan was born to play Molly Ringwald in a porn parody.  Uh, I mean, who’s Faye Reagan?  Never heard of her. (*cough*) PUFFY NIPPLES! (*cough, cough*).  Hey! Who’s ready for a “pretty in pink” entendre?

When five College students are forced to spend their Saturday in detention, they think that it is going to be, like, a total bummer. But instead it turns out to be a total F*ckfest!

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Ah, it’s nice to be excited for a movie for a change.  Middle Men premiered at the Santa Barbara Film Festival where it was picked up for distribution by Paramount Vantage, and now it’s scheduled for an August theatrical run.  Written and directed by George Gallo, who wrote Midnight Run in 1988 and a bunch of random crap after that, Middle Men follows Giovanni Ribisi, James Caan, Gabriel Macht, and Luke Wilson playing a fictionalized version of Christopher Malick, the first guy to figure out how to charge credit cards for porn site access over the internet — a man who indirectly helped put food on my table for years.

Maybe I’m a little weird, but I’m fascinated by the internet porn phenomenon.  It’s barely 10 years old.  And about five years into it, I actually re-learned how to pleasure myself using my left hand (so that my right could control the mouse, commanding my virtual orgies like a Roman emperor).  I know, I know, too much information, but think about that:  How many eons of evolution were undone by the simple development of boobies on a computer screen?  So much so that a dumb primate like me could re-train itself to use its non-dominant hand for a daily activity?  That’d be like a shark one day deciding to swim backwards from now on because the water felt good on his butt hole.  Wouldn’t happen.  And that, my friends, is why we’re better than the sharks.

[HD available at Apple, hat tip: /Film]

I’ll be honest, folks, I’m pretty bored with all the mainstream film news going around at the moment.  In honor of me trying to stay awake, here’s the trailer for the True Blood porn parody instead, Tru: A XXX Parody (starring Ashlynn Brooke, Gracie Glam, Linda Lane, Vanessa Naughty, Shay Sights, and Evan Stone, the cheesiest man in porn).  Is it just me, or has the acting in porn come a long way?  I’m pretty sure the black chick is a better actress than the black chick from the real True Blood.  Still, you think they could’ve done something more with the “blood sucker” theme.  Like, maybe it’s not blood these vampires need to survive.  Wait, never mind, they already did that, it was called Cumpire.  Dammit.  That ruins my plans for a vampire porn AND a porn about umpires.

*puffs pipe, pouts*

God knows how it took them this long, but the important thing is that there now exists a porn parody of The Big Lebowski.  From director Lee Roy Myers, of such previous porn parodies as Seinfeld, Friends, and Who’s the Boss, and stars Peter O’Tool and Kimberly Kane, comes The Big Lebowski, A XXX Parody.  I imagine it will be full of white Russians, but for my tastes, probably not enough eight year olds, dude.  *slide whistle*

In any case, here are just a few of the lines this film should include:

1. “Give us the fockeen, Lebowski!”
2. “I’ll suck your c*ck for a thousand dollars.  Brandt can watch.”
3. “Her carpet really tied the room together, man.”
4. “I’ll stick my c*ck up jour ass and pull the trigger till it goes click.”
5. “When we make the handoff, I double back, grab one of ‘em, and beat him off!”
6. “Let’s get one thing clear: I don’t like your jerk-off name. I don’t like your jerk-off face. I don’t like your jerk-off behavior, and I don’t like jerking you off, jerk-off.”
7. “This is what happens, Larry!  When you f*ck, a stranger in the ass!”  *f-cks stranger in the ass*
8. “They say my work is very vaginal.  The vagina itself makes some men uncomfortable.”  *shows vagina*
9. “What the f*ck is this?” *pulls out string of anal beads* “Obviously you’re not a golfer.”
10. “Jeffrey, this is Maude Lebowski. I need to see you. I’m the one who shaved my rug.”

I expect some better ones from you.

[TMZ]