To be honest, I’m a little perplexed at people’s continued fascination with this whole Human Centipede thing. As far as I’m concerned, “DUTCH GUY TRIES TO GROSS PEOPLE OUT, SUCCEEDS” is like the ENTIRE STORY. Also, didn’t someone already threaten to sew George Costanza’s ass to his face in like ’95? But every time I post a new Centipede story it gets like ten billion hits, so here we are. It’s like I’ve got a bunch of goddamned Germans reading this site. Anyway, here we have the Australian teaser for Human Centipede 2: The Full Sequence, which promises to be six jillion percent more medically accurate, vis-a-vis people eating other peoples’ sh*t. I don’t even know what that sentence means. You figure it out, sh*teaters.

Here’s the partial synopsis:

…a scene early in the film depicts  [the protagonist] as he masturbates whilst he watches a DVD of the original Human Centipede film, with sandpaper wrapped around his penis, and a sequence later in the film in which he becomes aroused at the sight of the members of the ‘centipede’ being forced to defecate into one another’s mouths, culminating in sight of the man wrapping barbed wire around his penis and raping the woman at the rear of the ‘centipede’.

But this teaser doesn’t show any of that, only people vomiting while they watch it, as if they needed to further drive home the point that “THIS IS GOING TO BE GROSS.” Could this be any more like Scrotie McBoogerballs at this point? In fact, Tom Six should have to change his name to “Scrotie McBoogerballs.” (Either that or “Piss Christ”). But given that he’s Dutch, that probably wouldn’t even be the silliest name on his street.  At least, not as long as he’s living next door to Dilkok von Veenerturds, the famous penis doctor. POOP RAPE TURDS DOODY BUTT, QUEEFY FARTING BUNGHOLE PEE SNATCH. DONKEY TITS.

If that headline wasn’t enough to make you vomit blood or rectally prolapse…

“Alvin & the Chipmunks” is about to cross the $200 million box-office mark, could become the most successful family film released in 2007, and is already the highest-grossing talking animal/live-action cartoon adaptation ever. All this can only mean one thing: Chipettes. [MTV]

Uh, what?

The Chipettes are a group of female chipmunks named Brittany, Jeanette and Eleanor, who were first introduced to audiences in the early Eighties. Now, as the team behind “Alvin” begin planning the sequel, their thoughts keep returning to the little girlfriends. 

God I hate children.  And yet also condoms.  A dilemma as old as time.