On Wednesday, the European Parliament approved a new bill that effectively eliminates gender stereotypes in the media, which is bad news for Italian weathermen who refer to giant storms as “spicy meat-a-balls”. But buried way deep down in the pages of this proposal was a little piece of language that would have banned all forms of pornography throughout Europe.

Fortunately, if there’s one thing that European lawmakers can sniff out, it’s someone messing with their erotica. So when someone spotted that language sneakily inserted by Dutch politician Kartika Tamara Liotard, they ripped it right out. By the way, my new European porn name? Kartika Tamara Liotard.

So what the hell is going on across the pond anyway?

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"I mean, who the hell listens to Nicki Minaj?"

Last night, as I leaned in to listen to the presidential debate on the voice box with Margaret and the children, as the help served us oatmeal and biscuits, I noticed that DreamWorks had released a new TV spot for Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln, which tells the little-known story of America’s 16th president. Academy Award-winner Daniel Day-Lewis stars as Abraham Lincoln, who, as my Florida public education has taught me, was quite an exceptional man.

Born in Parts Unknown and raised by a man who could control only his left foot, Lincoln was a shy teenager who actually never wanted much to do with life in politics. During his sophomore year at Arizona State, Lincoln started a band that combined both rock and rap, and they played in a local park, hence their name – Savage Garden. Unfortunately, Lincoln’s girlfriend, Mary Tipper Gore, didn’t like that his band’s music used foul language, so she fought in Congress to give his band the death penalty. So Lincoln responded by becoming president and starting the Civil War.

But as the latest TV clip also showed us, Lincoln was actually immortal and fought against such evil forces as Gandhi and New York City. And none of this could have come at a better time than last night’s debate, as President Barack Obama (played by Terrence Howard) and Mitt Romney (played by Amanda Bynes) argued about bringing back MTV’s Rock N Jock Basketball. In conclusion, vote with your hearts.

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Bear with me, folks, this one requires a journey deep down the rabbit hole. So, American Pie‘s Pie effer in Chief Jason Biggs is apparently voicing Leonardo in a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles show for Nickelodeon. (Stay with me here, we’ve got a long way to go). In promoting the show, Nickelodeon apparently promoted Biggs’ Twitter account. Meanwhile, a website called Twitchy, clearly doing the Lord’s work, took it upon themselves to catalog every “lewd” thing Biggs tweeted, clutching their pearls all the while and eventually calling for a boycott of Nickelodeon.

Some of Biggs’ offending tweets (asterices added by me – blame your workplace’s family filters):

If your sweater has buttons and buckles on it, you are very good at sucking d*ck. #TheBachelorette

I bet the top priority for a women’s basketball team equipment manager is to make sure they have enough dental dams. And then basketballs.

Just got emailed another birth announcement. Damn, there are a lot of Jewgly kids in Hollywood.

Happy we’re clamping down on texting while driving, but when is being Asian while driving going to become illegal?

If Twitter is a penis, then she totally swallows. #FF my wife, @jennyandteets [What the hell does that even mean? How does a penis swallow? Ugh. -Ed]

“your pussy isn’t allergic to pussy, is it?” – my husband, defending his attempt to finger me after petting a feral cat -Jenny Mollen

I’d totes dip a pinky or two in Paul Ryan’s wife’s bleached assh*le (she obvs bleaches her assh*le). #RNC

“@jennyandteets: People are cheering off screen because Janna Ryan is showing her tits! #RNC”

Clint Eastwood talking to a non-responsive stool sorta sums up Christianity in a nutshell, huh Republicans? #RNC

You know, just your basic, not-nearly-as-funny-as-I-think-I-am actor tweets. Feel free to check out Biggs’ wife Jenny Mollen’s completely insufferable blog for 10,000 more words of that (a few people have suggested that I do an in-depth breakdown of her latest, but, while it would surely be big traffic, I don’t think I could handle the sheer volume of negativity it would require of me). Anyway, poor Jason apparently understimated how much the wingnut media cares about a B-list actor’s tweets when that B-list actor insults Republicans.

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It’s almost election time here in ‘Murka (thank God) and you know what that means: fighting over the perceived differences between two candidates who are 98 percent exactly the same! Hooray, democracy! Chuck Norris recently released an election-season video, and, in what’s becoming a theme, he again showed why the real Chuck Norris is as much a sad, fallible, confused dipsh*t of a human being as the fake Chuck Norris is a tyrranosaurus-kicking human Viagra pill who can cure cancer with a single swab of his schmegma, if only he hadn’t been circumcised. In the video, Norris exhorts his fellow evangelical Christians to join him in putting aside their early opposition to Mitt Romney and vote for him, or else risk 1000 years of darkness, which was of course Rick James’s nickname for Charlie Murphy.

While the fake Chuck Norris could bring about 1000 years of darkness just by staring directly at the sun, the real one says it will happen if we just elect that Socialist (“or much worse”) Obama. As humble followers of Jesus, Norris and his wife Gena spend almost the entire video quoting Ronald Reagan, who some see as the proto-Jesus. Reagan, with Norris as his prophet, apparently thinks it’s important that true Christians put aside their differences to vote for the Mormon they know is really a Christian to keep the Christian they know is really a Muslim from getting elected. It all makes sense if you just listen to my dog, George Thorogood. He sends me messages telepathically when he’s not playing bitchin slide licks on the guitar.

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Retard Pig crashes the party

Robert De Niro is in big trouble today for some provocative and inflammatory language he used the other day at OH GOD I CAN’T DO IT, THIS IS THE DUMBEST NON-CONTROVERSY OF ALL TIME SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP

Robert De Niro, who along with his wife, Grace Hightower (above right), hosted first lady Michelle Obama for a fund-raiser at their Manhattan eatery on Monday evening.
In introductions to the first lady before she addressed the crowd of about 85 people, De Niro quipped, “Callista Gingrich. Karen Santorum. Ann Romney. Now do you really think our country is ready for a white first lady?” According to a pool report from the evening, the line drew a roar of laughs, and De Niro added, “Too soon, right?”

Too soon for what? A Leno monolog? That shit’s so tame Trump’s kid tried to shoot it.

The joke, coming from a figure who’s normally reticent in media interviews, drew a sharp rebuke from Newt Gingrich, who has staked part of his campaign on railing against media and Washington elites. He charged that De Niro’s remark was divisive and called on President Obama to apologize.

(*puts gun in mouth*)

“What De Niro said last night was inexcusable, and the president should apologize for him. It was at an Obama fund-raiser. It is exactly wrong; it divides the country,” Gingrich said, according to CNN.
“De Niro is rich enough he probably doesn’t notice the price of gasoline,” Gingrich said, per CNN. “He’s successful enough he probably doesn’t notice the unemployment rate. As the Hollywood actor, he might well be shortsighted enough he doesn’t understand what it might do to our children and our grandchildren.” [Variety]

(*cocks pistol*)

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