NOOOOO, SOMEONE HELP THAT BABY! NOW THAT THE SCENT IS ON HIM HIS MOTHER WILL NEVER TAKE HIM BACK!

A new brief from The Tracking Report says that the producers of the Point Break remake have their eyes on two possible leads, one being Cam Gigandet. So far these reports are just based on preliminary discussions, and it’s too early to tell if anything will actually come of them. But, tentatively speaking, AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH (*fires gun up in the air*) UUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHH (*click, click, click*) ….UUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…. (*jumps out airplane with no parachute*)

Two new actors have had their names tentatively connected [Editor's Note: Connected by whom? It's hard to know what this even means.] to the much talked about POINT BREAK (REMAKE). Cam Gigandet, a young thesp on the rise, was last seen in “Priest”, “Burlesque”, and “Easy A” after his breakout role in “Twilight”. Daniel Henney is the other rumored contender, last seen in the comic book explosion celebration “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”. “Point Break” is a remake of the classic action thriller of the same title, originally starring Patrick Swayze as the leader of a group of surfing bank robbers and Keanu Reeves as the undercover FBI agent tasked with bringing him down.

Well that’s certainly an interesting decision. The original starred Keanu Reeves, who maybe wasn’t the greatest actor in the world (I! WALK! AWAY!), but was certainly easy on the eyes — smooth and inoffensive like the Polynesian breeze after which he was named. In considering Cam Gigandet, the producers seem to be taking the opposite approach, where they cast a drooling, goblin-faced shaved hyena whose revolting attempts to imitate human speech and behavior invoke Gollum-like terror and nausea in all but the hardiest viewer. It must be some kind of Human Centipede thing.  Last time I accidentally watched a Cam Gigandet trailer, I threw my laptop out a plate glass window and a Dominican lady walked through the coffee shop muttering prayers and sprinkling everyone with holy water. I’m not even religious, but you can never be too careful. There are no atheists in a Cam Gigandet movie screening, I always say.

The giant black dude and midget who produced The Blind Side and the upcoming Blade Runner remake (Broderick Johnson and Andrew Kosove of Alcon Entertainment) have announced that they’re remaking 1991′s Point Break. But it’s cool, because Kurt Wimmer is writing the sreenplay, and he’s done lots of great movies, like, uh… Salt. And… Law Abiding Citizen, and… Street Kings.

YOU WANNA REMAKE TO GLORY, FINE! BUT DON’T TAKE JOHNNY UTAH WITH YOU! I’M BEGGING YOU! STOP WITH THIS REMAKE, AND I! WALK! AWAY! (*fires gun up in air*) AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (*more gun fire*) AAAAAAUUUUUGHHHHHH (*click click click*) AAAAAAAHUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!

The new version will be set in the world of international extreme sports and also involve an FBI agent infiltrating a criminal ring.
State Johnson and Kosove: “Who doesn’t love the Kathryn Bigelow original and its pure heart-pounding action and thrills? Kurt’s take infuses the story and characters with new twists and settings.”  [Ooh, I hope one of the characters is infused with 'France'! -Ed.]
Adds DeLuca ” ‘Point Break’ wasn’t just a film, it was a Zen meditation on testosterone fueled action and manhood in the late 20th century and we hope to create the same for the young 21st!” [THR]

Let’s get one thing straight: Hollywood already remade Point Break. It was called The Fast and the Furious, and they made five of them (soon to be six). “Did you like Keanu Reeves?? Well we found this guy Paul Walker who’s just as handsome, but an even worse actor and twice as dumb-sounding!” The only thing it was missing was Gary Busey ordering meatball sandwiches. LISTEN YOU SNOTNOSED LITTLE SH*T! I WAS TAKING SHRAPNEL IN KHE SANH WHEN YOU WERE CRAPPING IN YOUR HANDS AND RUBBING IT ON YOUR FACE!

I guess what I’m trying to say is, will this version have Gary Busey? Because it could be about Justin Bieber infiltrating Nick Cannon’s gang of street lugers for all I care, if it has Busey, I’m there, butthorn.

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The other day I told you about how Michael Bay wants to make a “small, Pulp Fiction-y” type movie between Transformers 2 and 3.  /Film has since dug up a little more info about the project, and by more info I mean comparisons to more movies.

Described as “a mixture of Fargo and Pulp Fiction” or “Point Break with bodybuilders”, Pain & Gain [based on this 1999 feature from the Miami New Times] tells the true story of a couple of Florida steroid-abusing knucklehead bodybuilders who become criminals involved in an extortion ring and a a kidnapping plot that goes horribly awry.

The Fast and the Furious was Point Break with cars, so I imagine Point Break with bodybuilders will be awesome.  I’ve always said the only thing that would’ve made it better was greasy guys flexing in speedos.  That always gets me pumped.  I might have to bring a spotter.

An Indian newspaper who misspelled his name reports that Patrick Swayze will be back for the Point Break sequel.

If his health allows, the 55-year-old star would be reliving his character of ‘Bodhi’ for the film, reports Contactmusic.  Earlier this year, Swazye had confirmed that he was suffering from pancreatic cancer. [Daily India via Moviehole]

Aside from the cancer, the other problem with Swayze coming back for Point Break 2 is that the first one ended with him paddling out during a hurricane and never coming back.  I guess they were thinking Swayze in heaven would be perfect to play Swayze in heaven.  But they may have to, like, uh, film it with a crew of purehearted dead folks?  Or someone will have to take over Whoopi Goldberg’s body and solve his own murder?  …I don’t think they planned this out too well.   

That’s right folks, they’re making a Point Break sequel.  IESB describes the plot thusly:

When Billy Dalton [Why not 'Special Agent Dalton Utah'? -Ed.], military special ops and star surfer, is disqualified from the pro-surfing tour, he takes off for the coast of Bali looking for the perfect wave.  While there he’s recruited by a private security force who are trying to find a gang known as The Bush Administration, surfing outlaws and modern day pirates who work like “The Ex-Presidents,” a bank robbing crew from Malibu twenty years ago.

So… moving on… when the original Point Break was released back in ’91 starring Patrick Swayze, Keanu Reeves, and Gary Busey, it was like the perfect storm of cheesy acting.  I can’t imagine they could ever replicate that, but they did hire Jan De Bont to direct.  De Bont directed Speed, Twister, Speed 2, and was the Cinematographer on about a billion movies including Lethal Weapon 3, Flatliners, and Die Hard.  IMDB keywords for the original Point Break are “Adrenaline”, “Female Nudity”, “Male Nudity”, “Violent Movie”, and “Shootout”.  Put those five keywords together and the next two should automatically be “FUCK” and “YEAH.”  OO WHA AA AA A

Hopefully De Bont’s movie will ignore the plot of the last crappy Point Break sequel, The Fast and the Furious. 

("Point Brokeback", after the jump)