Other than being born rich and living a care-free private college life in which family fame and money can fund his every whim, it seems like Chet Haze can’t catch a break.  Just months after the internet discovered Tom Hanks’ rapper son (and soon after, discovered that his remix of Wiz Khalifa’s “Black and Yellow” was actually a remix of someone else’s similar remix), Playboy has included him in their feature on the top 10 party schools of 2011.  Sounds like that would be a good thing, right?  You’d think, but he’s actually the one “worst” in a section called “Best in Class.”

Basketball Coach we’re measuring for a straitjacket: Kansas State’s Frank Martin.
Best College Sports Bar: The Swamp Restaurant in Gainesville, FL.
Best College Sports Fan: Wild Bill of Utah State.
Best Late-Night Eats: Capicola-and-cheese sandwich from Primanti Brothers, just off the Pitt campus, with built-in french fries, fried egg and mound of coleslaw.
Best Library: The Library Café and Bar, University of Wisconsin, Madison.
Best Naked Parties: Yale (seriously).
Best Out-of-the-Way Party School: Montana State University.
Coolest Course: University of California, Berkeley’s “The Sociology of Seinfeld.”
Coolest Facebook Campaign: Jay-Z for Commencement Speaker 2011, Middlebury College.
Coolest Radio Station: DePauw’s WGRE 91.5.
Hottest Sorority: San Diego State’s Alpha Phi chapter.
Most Coveted Dorm Room: Suite H33 in Kirkland House, Harvard, where Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook.
Most Delicious Mascot: (Tie) Delta State’s Fighting Okra and the University of North Carolina School of the Arts’ Fighting Pickles.
Most Lucrative Online Degree: None.
New Drink on Campus: 40-proof Adult Chocolate Milk.
Thirstiest Major: University of California, Davis’s viticulture (grape cultivation) and enology (wine study).
Wallet Drainer: Sarah Lawrence, the most expensive college in America ($57,556/year).
Worst College Rapper: Chet Haze of Northwestern (Tom Hanks’s son). [PLAYBOY]

WORST?!?  How dare you, Playboy.  Y’all is some str8 BRATZ, nah mean?  Someone over at Playboy most have something against smoking bleezies and mackin skeezies, and sick flows like “Traffic traffic where’s my chapstick.”  Unless we take this to mean that he’s the Best Worst College Rapper, which is undoubtedly true.  In related news, today is C-Tates’ birthday.  Somebody call up Drexel Spivey from True Romance, tell him it is White Boy Day.

Alternate headline: FURTHER PROOF LIFE NOT FAIR

Lost in the retarded publicity stunt that was putting Marge Simpson on the cover of this month’s Playboy (honestly, to anyone who buys Playboy for the promise of seeing a naked Marge Simpson… let’s never hang out) was the alternate cover featuring Victoria’s Secret model Alina Puscau.  Who’s Alina Puscau, you ask?  Why, she’s Brett Ratner’s girlfriend, and he shot the cover and her pictorial.  That’s right, when he’s not breathlessly tweeting from a Jonas Bros concert, butchering the English language, or directing terrible movies, Brett Ratner sleeps with a Victoria’s Secret model.  Allegedly.  Normally I’m highly in favor of looking at pictures of naked women, but imagining this girl’s body with the Rat Man’s nacho cheese-stained paws all over it is a total boner killer.  I wonder if they paint each other’s nails and talk about Miley records.  (I guaran-goddamn-tee you Brett Ratner refers to all celebrities by first name only, just dying for someone to ask who he means.)

Reached for comment, Brett Ratner just sent me this:

Read the rest of this entry »

(Hef pickup line: “Does that kitty drink powdered milk?”)

I’ve fiddled with various ways to introduce this story for about 40 minutes now, but the long and short of it is that Hugh Hefner recently said on Twitter that he was meeting with Diablo Cody about the Playboy/Hugh Hefner biopic movie:

“Meeting with Diablo Cody to talk about the Brian Grazer Playboy film today.”

Aaand that’s pretty much all we know.  At one point, Brett Ratner was set to direct this project, but with Youngblood (the comic book), Beverly Hills Cop 4, and a big cheesy pile of nachos bellgrande currently on his plate, that’s probably not going to happen.  Diablo Cody is an avid Twitterer herself, and though she’s said plenty about buying Hanes underwear and reactions to ‘J-Bod’, she says nothing of a Playboy movie.  So does this mean Diablo Cody is going to write the script for the Playboy movie?  Maybe.  Or maybe Hef just wanted her to read it.  Or maybe he needed some zingers about Brian Grazer’s hair.  But whatever they discussed, I’m sure the room smelled like Thai food.

[via Cinematical]

As you can see, this month’s Playboy features House Bunny star Anna Faris on the cover.  It hits newsstands this Friday.  What could possibly be bad about that news, you ask?

While Faris doesn’t appear nude in Playboy, she actually told me recently she was definitely tempted to strip down for the mag.

"I felt really sexy," she told me of the shoot. "I found myself totally getting into it. I was like, ‘Let’s just take it all off.’ " (Her publicist convinced her otherwise.) [E!]

BOOOOOOO!!!!! Thanks for the advice there, Lieutenant Cockblocker.  A hot chick who doesn’t get naked is like a child without laughter, or the petals of a flower without the morning dew.  People like Anna Faris’ publicist should literally be shot in the face and dumped in the sewer.

A couple new TV spots for Tropic Thunder have hit the web (after the jump) and this month’s Playboy with an interview of Ben Stiller has just hit my mailbox.  Requisite discussion of his character Tugg Speedman:

What makes it comedic is the way he ends up a prisoner of his own image.  He gets captured in the Golden Triangle by a remote tribe of heroin traffickers who force him at gunpoint to reenact scenes from Simple Jack, in which he played a mentally impaired farmhand who can talk to animals.  This was his big, serious movie – his Oscar bid.  It is being universally ridiculed except in this tiny jungle compound where they love it so much they make him perform it at gunpoint on a sort of Gilligan’s Island stage five times a day.  It’s the only movie they’ve ever seen, so he’s kind of worshipped and humiliated at the same time. 

Discussion of his possible motives for making the movie:

Playboy:  You were born into a show-business family.  Weren’t you just kind of in?
Stiller:  God no.  IN fact, that’s where the idea of Tropic Thunder came from.  Around 1985 all these Vietnam war movies were being made.  I never got any of the roles.  I even met with Oliver Stone.  Nothing.  I remember the guys who got those parts were always doing interviews about going off to boot camp for two weekes, how it was the toughest experience of their lives.  They had to camp out, shoot guns, eat C rations, all of that.  There was something so ironic and funny about actors talking about how hard it was to go off to boot camp for two weeks for a movie about a war when it obviously had nothing to do with the real experience of war.  It might have been my own bitterness about not getting parts in these movies, but I did think there was the seed of something in the irony of actors taking themselves too seriously.  Maybe this movie is my revenge. 

I think another good revenge on actors is to ask them what the capital of Thailand is and then yell "Bang cock!" and punch them in the nuts, because it’s hard to take yourself seriously when you’re in crotch pain.  Trust me, I’ve done the research.  Also, I think "eating c-rations" is a pretty sweet euphemism for cunnilingus.  Anyway, just keeping it high brow here like always, folks.