THE OTHER CRAP ROUNDUP, JUNE 15

06.15.09 Written by Vince Mancini

This is the poster for Cold Souls, starring Paul Giamatti, which surprisingly isn’t a Charlie Kaufman movie. [Cinematical]

Danny Trejo ees not going to be een The Expendables after all, guey.  He will, however, be in Machete, which is likely to be Robert Rodriguez’ next project, despite what you may have been heard about Predators, Nerverackers, or The Jetsons.  Or not.  Who knows with Robert Rodriguez. He’s quickly becoming the Mexican Brett Ratner. [ThePlaylist]

Gordon Chan is doing a movie based on the King of Fighters video game.  I don’t know what that is, but the movie has Sean Faris in it so it’ll probably be really, really good.  Somewhere, Cam Gigandet silently glares at his blackberry.  [movieset]

Wanted director Timur Bekmambetov (boxing nickname: The Black Mambetov) claims Angelina Jolie will be back for Wanted 2, even though her character died at the end of the [SPOILER ALERT] first one.  How will they do that?  Time travel, I’m guessing.  The first one relied on a giant mechanical loom supposedly built in pre-industrial times, I doubt realism is a concern.  [MTV]

Roy Rogers will return for a “King of Cowboys” film trilogy, even though Roy Rogers has been dead for 11 years.  How will they do that?  “Geadelmann said the planned film trilogy will ‘not be a biopic, and will not be a traditional Western, but rather a family fantasy adventure. Roy Rogers, Dale Evans and Trigger are quintessential figures of America, and we will introduce this franchise to a new audience while capitalizing on the millions of Roy Rogers fans worldwide.’”  Thanks, now it totally makes sense.  Great reporting, Variety.  [Variety]

Platinum Dune producers say the next Friday the 13th film (the sequel to the remake… guhh…) may feature Jason in the snow.  But the movie itself won’t take place in the snow, because places that have snow are too cold.  No seriously, that’s what they said.  [CHUD]

Dave Eggers wrote a 300-page novelization of Where the Wild Things Are “about the confusions of a boy, Max, making his way in a world he can’t control. His father is gone, his mother is spending time with a younger boyfriend, his sister is becoming a teenager… At the same time, Max finds himself capable of startling acts of wildness: he wears a wolf suit, bites his mom, and can’t always control his outbursts.”  Wait, are we sure this isn’t about Gary Busey?  [Amazon]

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WORST. ASSIGNMENT. EVER.

02.03.09 Written by Vince Mancini

You have to feel sorry for the “high-level writer” whom Platinum Dunes producer Brad Fuller claims to be hiring for his upcoming Ouija Board movie.  No, you read that right, the concept of the movie is a f-cking board game.

Fuller added that the movie will be “a huge movie. That’s a big, big, big thing. … It’s more of a, like, Pirates of the Caribbean adventure story, with a Ouija board at the center of it.”

The movie is being developed at Universal as part of Platinum Dunes partner Michael Bay’s relationship with Hasbro (Transformers), which owns Parker Brothers. Fuller added that the movie will NOT resemble Jumanji, another game-themed movie. [SciFiWire]

Hold on.. I think it’s spelling something… P A R K O U R… R O B O T S… H I P H O P D A N C E C R E W… yup, this is gonna suck.

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JASON VOORHEES IS A MEXICAN GANGSTER

01.22.09 Written by Vince Mancini

The poster design for the new Friday the 13th movie was modeled closely after something Jason Voorhees tagged on the wall of my middle school bathroom, right before he shouted “Puro Sureños, puto!” and stabbed me with a pencil.  Wait, was it Jason Voorhees?  Maybe it was Juan Gomez.  I can’t remember.

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FRIDAY THE 13TH! GET *YAWN* EXCITED!

01.21.09 Written by Vince Mancini

In case you haven’t heard, Michael Bay owns a production company that remakes classic horror films. You know, since original horror films are so hard to write and all.  Anyway, here are four brand new TV spots for their version of Friday the 13th, which opens in.. I dunno, February?

For a film about a guy in a hockey mask, they really don’t play up the “scary Canadian” angle enough.  Jason could just show up to parties and be like, “What up, hosers.  I bro-awt over some LaBatt’s anna Nickelback CD.  Mind if I check da score udda Leafs game real fast?”
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‘CAUSE WE ADDED PAPA ROACH SONGS, YOU SEE

12.12.08 Written by Vince Mancini

Michael Bay’s production company, Platinum Dunes – who’ve previously produced remakes of Friday the 13th, The Hitcher, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, etc. – have announced they’ll be remaking, er, rebooting, A Nightmare on Elm Street.  They say it won’t be your grandma’s Freddy Krueger movie (probably because it’ll be your retarded nephew’s Freddy Krueger movie).

“It’s not Freddy cracking jokes. We want to make a horrifying movie. The concept is so scary, don’t fall asleep or you’ll die. This guy gets you when you’re most vulnerable, in your sleep. We love that. That’s the basis of the movie. It’ll be most similar to the first one but in terms of kills and dreams we’ll borrow from the entire series.” [via Shocktillyoudrop]

We love that movie, that’s why we’re going to make another movie about that movie. This is what passes for inspiration nowadays. I really liked that scene in Risky Business, so I remade it.  Pretty smart, right? Look, I don’t wanna sound too harsh here, but everyone at Platinum Dunes needs f-ck off and get a real job. Quoth the movie blogger.

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