Last May, it was revealed that Michael Bay and his Platinum Dunes production company were going to reboot the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live action movie franchise, so potential April O’Neils everywhere were told to get their white t-shirts ready for Ferarri-washing detail. Only 9 months later – or one aspiring model’s secret shame sex pregnancy – Bay and Co. may have found a director for their latest uninspired reboot.

According to Variety:

“Battle: Los Angeles” helmer Jonathan Liebesman is in negotiations to direct Paramount’s live-action reboot of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.”

Plot details are being kept under wraps except that it would be a new reimaging of the famous comic and cartoon series.

Josh Appelbaum and Andre Nemec penned the script.

I’m guessing that “plot details are being kept under wraps” is code for “we haven’t sent our blindfolded monkey out into the minefield marked with plot point flags yet” but I thought I’d lend a hand and offer some free plot ideas…

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*puts finger tips on Ouija Board planchette*

Oh spirits of the deep, dark void… I beckon you! Tell me, ghosts of another world, does Hollywood have anything mind-numbingly retarded in the works this week?

Evan Spiliotopoulos, best known for penning a slew of high-profile, straight-to-DVD Disney animated pics, has been tapped to work on Ouija for Universal and Michael Bay’s production banner Platinum Dunes.

McG is directing the movie, which is an adaptation of the Hasbro board game about conjuring up spirits of the dead. (Via The Hollywood Reporter)

That’s right, folks – a Ouija Board movie being produced by Michael Bay and directed by McG, who is a grown adult and still goes by a childhood nickname. Even better, the new writer with the really long name is the guy who brought us such classics as The Lion King 1 ½, Pooh’s Heffalump Halloween Movie, and Wanted 2, which will probably never happen because Angeline Jolie thinks it’s stupid. Even better, Spiliotopoulos is working on the script that was originally written by the guys who wrote Tron: Legacy, and they’ve already washed their hands of this awful idea.

As for the brain trust behind Ouija, I’m assuming the following conversation took place…

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Today Deadline received word that Michael Bay’s production company Platinum Dunes will be making a film adaptation of the IDW comic Zombies vs. Robots.  And thus concludes another game of terrible-movie mad libs.

Hollywood’s fixation with robots and the undead has fueled a spec package deal that includes underlying rights to the IDW comic Zombies Vs. Robots [My God, that must've taken 5, maybe 10 minutes to come up with]. JT Petty [I'm picturing sunglasses on the back of the neck, a do-rag] has used the comic as the basis for a spec script called Inherit the Earth. The film will be a co-production between Platinum Dunes, Circle of Confusion and IDW, and produced by Michael Bay, Brad Fuller, Andrew Form, Dave Alpert and Rick Jacobs. More than one studio was interested. The film focuses on a young girl who is the last survivor on earth. She is protected by a group of robots [oh God I hope one of them is sassy and black] from a pack of zombies that are intelligent and evolved. IDW’s title World War Robot is being developed by Jerry Bruckheimer. [Deadline]

“World War Robot.”  F*ck me.  That’s not a title, that’s just buzz words stuck together, like “Lights, Camera, Vampire”, or “Resident Evil: Werewolf.”  The projects that get greenlit these days, it just seems like they throw darts at the spinning wheel of recycled sci-fi tropes from 50 years ago.  Granted, Michael Bay has a busty starlet throwing the darts and the wheel is a live tiger, but still.  Shave some new ideas onto that tiger, this is bullsh*t.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise will receive yet another reboot, this time as Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes company has signed on to produce the latest installment of the Heroes in the Half Shell. Nickelodeon purchased the title last year for $60 million, which means that Paramount is now essentially the owner of the turtles. So look for the latest installment to feature Shredder capturing Splinter thanks to a tie-in from Mouse Trap.

There is no word on new plotlines or casting for the latest TMNT films by Platinum Dunes, which I think was also the name of the company we hired for my Bar Mitzvah. The film will return to the original franchise’s roots with a live action version, as opposed to the animated film from 2007. That means Bay and Co. will need to search for a feisty redhead to play the ambitious reporter April O’Neil, and I’d like to suggest Emma Stone on Diora Baird’s shoulders. Or vice versa. I’m not picky.

I’ll take my pizza with anchovies and Spam, Cinema Blend:

You likely know the name Platinum Dunes from the valiant work they’ve done destroying the reputations of perfectly good horror franchises, from the OK Friday the 13th remake last year to the recent dreadful A Nightmare on Elm Street. Platinum Dunes partners Brad Fuller, Andrew Form and Michael Bay will all serve as producers on the new turtles films, which puts Paramount in the Michael Bay business in a big way as the third Transformers film gets cranking.

Growing up, I was a huge fan of the Ninja Turtles cartoon, always hoping that the gang would defeat the evil testicles alien Krang and Shredder. I only hope that Platinum Dunes can tap into what made the cartoon so great in the first place, as well as the failures of the first two films, such as horrible acting, the absence of Rocksteady and Bebop, and super emo Raphael.

But one thing is for sure, this franchise has always brought the super tizzight soundtracks.

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Michael Bay’s production company that makes cheap remakes of old horror films, Platinum Dunes, has announced plans to remake Monster Squad.  Monster Squad came out in 1987, was one of Shane Black’s first writing credits, and was one of a handful of 80s movies that tried to make the word “nards” happen, though it never really caught on like, say, “douchebag” or “awesome.”

Rob Cohen, who produced the original, hopes to direct the remake. Cohen will produce with Platinum Dunes partners Michael Bay, Brad Fuller and Andrew Form, and they’re meeting with writers.
A group of kids who worship the classic monsters suddenly discover that Dracula is in town, and he’s got his pals Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, The Gill Man and The Mummy with him. The kids must stop their efforts to find an amulet that will give the creatures control of the world. [Deadline]

I know we all have fond memories of this movie because we saw it when we were still eating paste and putting worms down our pants, but the truth is, it was always probably kind of stupid.  The only difference now is that instead of the cute kind of stupid that we were used to, like a stripper who can’t read, we’ll get the Michael Bay kind of stupid, the stupid that’s honed to a fine point in focus groups and boardrooms and then jammed into your eyeball with a McDonald’s ad stuck on the end.  Then Michael Bay will yell, “YAHTZEE, MOTHERF*CKERS!” and chop another line of coke for his cheetah.