The great entitled dork war of 2012 rages on this week with no hope of an end in sight. Adding fuel to the fire, which was ignited when executive producer Michael Bay announced that the famously mutant turtles would also (or alternatively) be aliens this time around (“edgy, lovable aliens” to be specific), is a new report from Bleeding Cool saying the new live-action reboot scheduled for December will be title simply “Ninja Turtles.” WHAT!? YOU’VE BUTTF*CKED MY INNOCENCE, MICHAEL BAY! I’D LIKE TO REPORT A TURTLE RAPE!

We haven’t been able to get a definite statement as to why this title change is occurring, and our sources are not 100% clear on whether or not the Turtles will indeed be adolescents.
One of our sources has said:
It seems to be driven by marketing. Think of John Carter and how Disney wouldn’t allow for a title with either “Princess” or “Mars”.

And we all know how well that turned out. BUT WAIT, THE NINJA TURTLES MIGHT NOT BE TEENAGERS?!?! This a travesty! I will not stand for ninja turtles who are 32-years-old, like half the people screaming about this! That would just be ridiculous!

Meanwhile, director Jonathan Liebesman (previously of the seminal alien invasion film Battle Los Angeles), has weighed in on edgy, lovable alien-gate:

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I don’t quite understand the dopey nostalgia my generation still has for things like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (I get it, we were kids once, shut up), but whatever your idealized memory is of them, Michael Bay plans to ruin it like he did with Transformers when his production company reboots them as a live-action movie adaptation for Paramount with the director of Battle Los Angeles. On the plus side, this train wreck is threatening to become hilarious, as Bay now says that in addition to being mutants, they’ll also be edgy aliens.

Speaking at the Nickelodeon upfronts, Bay said:

“When you see this movie, kids are going to believe, one day, that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable.”

That. Is. Amazing. A normal person might question why they need to be aliens when they’re already mutants according to the title. It takes a visionary like Michael Bay to wonder “but what if the mutants were also aliens, whose mutations only made them more edgy?” Oh, man. Tough, edgy, funny, and lovable. I’m picturing an alien turtle Bill Hicks who loves pizza and saves the rec center by keeping it real.

UPDATE, 3/20: Not surprisingly, the fan backlash has been withering. Bay responds here.

If you doubt that Michael Bay said this in complete seriousness, check out the video below.

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Last May, it was revealed that Michael Bay and his Platinum Dunes production company were going to reboot the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live action movie franchise, so potential April O’Neils everywhere were told to get their white t-shirts ready for Ferarri-washing detail. Only 9 months later – or one aspiring model’s secret shame sex pregnancy – Bay and Co. may have found a director for their latest uninspired reboot.

According to Variety:

“Battle: Los Angeles” helmer Jonathan Liebesman is in negotiations to direct Paramount’s live-action reboot of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.”

Plot details are being kept under wraps except that it would be a new reimaging of the famous comic and cartoon series.

Josh Appelbaum and Andre Nemec penned the script.

I’m guessing that “plot details are being kept under wraps” is code for “we haven’t sent our blindfolded monkey out into the minefield marked with plot point flags yet” but I thought I’d lend a hand and offer some free plot ideas…

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*puts finger tips on Ouija Board planchette*

Oh spirits of the deep, dark void… I beckon you! Tell me, ghosts of another world, does Hollywood have anything mind-numbingly retarded in the works this week?

Evan Spiliotopoulos, best known for penning a slew of high-profile, straight-to-DVD Disney animated pics, has been tapped to work on Ouija for Universal and Michael Bay’s production banner Platinum Dunes.

McG is directing the movie, which is an adaptation of the Hasbro board game about conjuring up spirits of the dead. (Via The Hollywood Reporter)

That’s right, folks – a Ouija Board movie being produced by Michael Bay and directed by McG, who is a grown adult and still goes by a childhood nickname. Even better, the new writer with the really long name is the guy who brought us such classics as The Lion King 1 ½, Pooh’s Heffalump Halloween Movie, and Wanted 2, which will probably never happen because Angeline Jolie thinks it’s stupid. Even better, Spiliotopoulos is working on the script that was originally written by the guys who wrote Tron: Legacy, and they’ve already washed their hands of this awful idea.

As for the brain trust behind Ouija, I’m assuming the following conversation took place…

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Today Deadline received word that Michael Bay’s production company Platinum Dunes will be making a film adaptation of the IDW comic Zombies vs. Robots.  And thus concludes another game of terrible-movie mad libs.

Hollywood’s fixation with robots and the undead has fueled a spec package deal that includes underlying rights to the IDW comic Zombies Vs. Robots [My God, that must've taken 5, maybe 10 minutes to come up with]. JT Petty [I'm picturing sunglasses on the back of the neck, a do-rag] has used the comic as the basis for a spec script called Inherit the Earth. The film will be a co-production between Platinum Dunes, Circle of Confusion and IDW, and produced by Michael Bay, Brad Fuller, Andrew Form, Dave Alpert and Rick Jacobs. More than one studio was interested. The film focuses on a young girl who is the last survivor on earth. She is protected by a group of robots [oh God I hope one of them is sassy and black] from a pack of zombies that are intelligent and evolved. IDW’s title World War Robot is being developed by Jerry Bruckheimer. [Deadline]

“World War Robot.”  F*ck me.  That’s not a title, that’s just buzz words stuck together, like “Lights, Camera, Vampire”, or “Resident Evil: Werewolf.”  The projects that get greenlit these days, it just seems like they throw darts at the spinning wheel of recycled sci-fi tropes from 50 years ago.  Granted, Michael Bay has a busty starlet throwing the darts and the wheel is a live tiger, but still.  Shave some new ideas onto that tiger, this is bullsh*t.