(Where you going, stupid? All the good stuff’s under the water.)
After the jump, Wolverine’s ne’er-do-well, heroin-addict cousin Freddy Krueger is back in the trailer for the new Nightmare on Elm Street remake from Michael Bay’s production company. Michael is desperate for cash these days, as his C4 habit is up to four bricks a day.
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A production company that remakes old horror movies is kinda like a meth dealer, and the clientele is largely the same. Platinum Dunes is just such a company. Their latest half-cooked project is a Nightmare on Elm Street remake, and director Samuel Bayer thinks he has a fool-proof plan to make us give a sh*t again. What’s that plan, you ask? MORE XXXXTREEEME!!! MORE BODIES HITTING THE FLOOOOR!!!
Fewer one-liners, more flat-liners. That’s what fans should expect when the rebooted Freddy Krueger shreds his way onto screens in April.
Also: less line reading, more line snorting.
“I don’t think it’s a funny movie. If a character is wisecracking and killing you at the same time, it’s not very funny,” says Samuel Bayer, director of the new A Nightmare on Elm Street. “I’m taking this very seriously.”
“It’s (going to be) darker, more serious, more intense and hopefully scarier,” says Jackie Earle Haley, who inherits the role [after resurrecting his career by playing a wisecracking killer in Watchmen -Ed] from genre icon Robert Englund . [Canoe]
I agree, serious and earnest is definitely the way to go when you’re doing an unnecessary remake. People love that. That’s why when I sing karaoke, I pretend I’m actually the person whose song I’m singing for at least a week ahead of time. And then when I sing the song, I do it better than the original. Because when I sing “I wanna hold your hand,” people know that I really do want to hold the f*ck out of your hand.
Incredible, isn’t it? He really has the silhouette down pat.
Backstory: Platinum Dunes, a company partially owned by Michael Bay that makes mediocre, unnecessary remakes of classic horror movies for easy money, is doing a remake of Nightmare on Elm Street. Jackie Earle Haley, who was an epic badass in Watchmen, is playing Freddy Krueger, which makes me feel ever so slightly bad about the fact that I’m definitely not going to see this ever.
[via MySpace]
This is the poster for Cold Souls, starring Paul Giamatti, which surprisingly isn’t a Charlie Kaufman movie. [Cinematical]
Danny Trejo ees not going to be een The Expendables after all, guey. He will, however, be in Machete, which is likely to be Robert Rodriguez’ next project, despite what you may have been heard about Predators, Nerverackers, or The Jetsons. Or not. Who knows with Robert Rodriguez. He’s quickly becoming the Mexican Brett Ratner. [ThePlaylist]
Gordon Chan is doing a movie based on the King of Fighters video game. I don’t know what that is, but the movie has Sean Faris in it so it’ll probably be really, really good. Somewhere, Cam Gigandet silently glares at his blackberry. [movieset]
Wanted director Timur Bekmambetov (boxing nickname: The Black Mambetov) claims Angelina Jolie will be back for Wanted 2, even though her character died at the end of the [SPOILER ALERT] first one. How will they do that? Time travel, I’m guessing. The first one relied on a giant mechanical loom supposedly built in pre-industrial times, I doubt realism is a concern. [MTV]
Roy Rogers will return for a “King of Cowboys” film trilogy, even though Roy Rogers has been dead for 11 years. How will they do that? “Geadelmann said the planned film trilogy will ‘not be a biopic, and will not be a traditional Western, but rather a family fantasy adventure. Roy Rogers, Dale Evans and Trigger are quintessential figures of America, and we will introduce this franchise to a new audience while capitalizing on the millions of Roy Rogers fans worldwide.’” Thanks, now it totally makes sense. Great reporting, Variety. [Variety]
Platinum Dune producers say the next Friday the 13th film (the sequel to the remake… guhh…) may feature Jason in the snow. But the movie itself won’t take place in the snow, because places that have snow are too cold. No seriously, that’s what they said. [CHUD]
Dave Eggers wrote a 300-page novelization of Where the Wild Things Are “about the confusions of a boy, Max, making his way in a world he can’t control. His father is gone, his mother is spending time with a younger boyfriend, his sister is becoming a teenager… At the same time, Max finds himself capable of startling acts of wildness: he wears a wolf suit, bites his mom, and can’t always control his outbursts.” Wait, are we sure this isn’t about Gary Busey? [Amazon]
You have to feel sorry for the “high-level writer” whom Platinum Dunes producer Brad Fuller claims to be hiring for his upcoming Ouija Board movie. No, you read that right, the concept of the movie is a f-cking board game.
Fuller added that the movie will be “a huge movie. That’s a big, big, big thing. … It’s more of a, like, Pirates of the Caribbean adventure story, with a Ouija board at the center of it.”
The movie is being developed at Universal as part of Platinum Dunes partner Michael Bay’s relationship with Hasbro (Transformers), which owns Parker Brothers. Fuller added that the movie will NOT resemble Jumanji, another game-themed movie. [SciFiWire]
Hold on.. I think it’s spelling something… P A R K O U R… R O B O T S… H I P H O P D A N C E C R E W… yup, this is gonna suck.
