Disney could have picked any actor on the face of the planet to provide the voice of the lead character, Dusty Crophopper, in the upcoming Cars spin-off, Planes. Any actor. Any talented thespian with a history of providing range and emotion as a variety of unique and entertaining characters. Any actor in the world. Originally, Disney settled on Jon Cryer, assuming several thousand phone numbers went straight to voicemail, but then he dropped out of the film, and Dane Cook was selected as his replacement.

I don’t really care about Cook’s history of alleged joke-thievery or general douchebagginess anymore, but after watching today’s new trailer for Planes, I’m just wondering if the point was to find the first person available to show up and read lines.

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“Does he ever stop yelling?”

Originally meant to be a straight-to-DVD excuse to let your TV babysit your children for two hours, Disney’s Planes was instead given an August 9 theatrical release date because producer John Lasseter needs another swimming pool. The animated spin-off of the wildly successful Cars franchise was also originally supposed to star Jon Cryer as the voice of the lead character, Dusty the Cropduster, but he dropped out, so Disney decided to go with someone who is even more relevant – Dane Cook.

Planes is about Dusty’s ambition to become a champion racer against all odds, as he has to overcome his fear of heights. A plane with a fear of heights? Now THAT I have to see! Especially if that plane is voiced by Frat House Weekly’s three-time Man of the Year.

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Famously too-fat-to-fly guy Kevin Smith had more plane trouble recently, and after sopping up his gravy tears with some leftover biscuits, he sat his tubby ass down in an orthopedic swing and hammered out an angry blog.  Long story short, he checked in an hour before his flight and even used a concierge service, but when he showed up to his gate at JFK, Virgin America employee “Manny” wouldn’t let him board.  Smith complained that the plane was still attached to the jetway and that his wife needed medication that was in the plane’s baggage hold, but to no avail.  This just in: people who work at airports are A-holes.

Manny wouldn’t give me his last name; he said he didn’t have to. I said it was unfair, as he had my name (and home address!); he insisted two more times that he didn’t have to furnish me with his last name (Erwin did, however). The pair then looked to book us on the next flight out – which had no first class available.

It didn’t matter: at that point, I knew I’d never spend another dime on anything Virgin-related ever again.

Was it Manny Shyamalan?  He’s probably still pissed no one liked Last Airbender.

[Update] Unlike Southworst, @VirginAtlantic seems to care: lovely, apologetic email, full refund for flight, free tix offer – all before I’ve landed. I appreciate the gesture/effort.

As for why he only showed up to the gate eight minutes early, Smith explained that being the world’s most famous air complainer has its downside:

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When I first saw the link “Kevin Smith issues final statement on the Southwest incident”, I was pleasantly surprised, first by the words “final statement”, then by the fact that the accompanying YouTube video was only three minutes long.  Let’s face it, he had a crappy experience with a crappy company, it’s not Locked Up Abroad. Then I watched it, and all he talked about was the video itself and why he made it.  At which point I realized I was only watching part one OF TWENTY FOUR.  That’s right, after his hundreds of tweets on Too-Fat-To-Fly-Gate and an entire podcast, he still needed twenty four GD YouTube videos.  I didn’t watch any after the first, but unless he fights a giant spider in third act, I’d consider them a colossal waste of time.  And that’s coming from the guy who spent the last 30 minutes making this:

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