Warner Bros is producing a remake of the 1935 Errol Flynn swashbuckler Captain Blood, with Daybreakers directors the Spierig Brothers.  But of course, this won’t be your grandpappy’s pirate movie, because your grandpappy pisses himself and his fly is down.  No, this one will be fresh and hip and MP3 because this one will be set in space.  XXXTREEEEME SPACE PIRACY!!!

According to Variety, the studio decided that the best way to usher the beloved 1935 Errol Flynn pirate classic into the modern world was by setting the movie … in outer space!  When I called Producer Bill Gerber, he was matter-of-fact about the changes. “When it comes to swashbuckling, you just couldn’t go back to the pirate era, not once you’ve experienced the juggernaut that is ‘Pirates of the Caribbean,’ ” he explains. “So we needed to find a new way to tell the story.” [LATimes]

Oh sure, you can’t do a real pirate movie now that people have already seen Johnny Depp dance with skeletons and wear eyeliner.  Just like you can’t do basketball movies now because Zac Efron sang a love song to his basketball.

^{This picture is related somehow, isn’t it?}

When Michael Crichton died last year, I wasn’t mature enough to avoid the obvious ER joke.  But more importantly, he left behind a book about pirates that was discovered in his files by an assistant.

HarperCollins plans to back “Pirate Latitudes,” ['Piratitudes' would've been way better -Ed.]which is set in Jamaica in 1665, with a first printing of 1 million copies.  Story revolves around plans by a notorious pirate named Hunter and the governor of Jamaica and to raid a Spanish galleon filled with treasure. [...] the untitled book will be completed based on the writer’s notes. An author has not yet been hired to finish that work. [Variety]

Don’t judge me: I loved Crichton’s The Great Train Robbery, so a Crichton story about pirates actually sounds kind of awesome.  *swallows excess saliva back down* Plus, there’s no way it could be worse than Pirates of the Caribbean 3.  However, it’s not like the guy got hit by a truck one day, he was dying of cancer; if he’d wanted the book published it seems like he would’ve said something.  Oh, Variety also adds that Crichton wrote the book “before his death.”  That’s important to note. I always thought Hemingway jumped the shark right about the time he blew his brains out.

Friday free for all is the time of the week when “film-related” goes out the window in favor of “crazy shit you need to watch right now.”  Send your tips to lance@filmdrunk.com, and no, ninja guy, I haven’t forgotten about you.

I try not to throw around terms like “best ever” too cavalierly because I used to drive a Chevy Cavalier and that thing sucked. Seriously though, this f-cking video has everything. Here’s the play-by-play:

Knight wearing guyliner rides horse through stream
He meets a medieval lady
He valiantly defends her from some sparks
And then the sword-wielding vampire ladies come
Don’t point that thing at me, bitch is you crazy?
Bad guy split screen! Hooded guy in a mask on fire! Two sword ladies!
Wild horses wildly running
Good guy split screen!
And then the snow angels show up. They’ve got candles. For the lovers to drip crotch wax, you see.
Snowy mountains
Matching robes!

You get the picture. And that was only the first 1:20 or so. From there we get pirates, a ship exploding, a ghost romance, more explosions, a gang of pterodactyls, a crocodile… hold on. Yep, I just came.

[via Videogum]

^{Historical accounts differ as to whether Blackbeard was “totally awesome” or “sorta faggy”}

Some new details about Blackbeard have hit the web.  It will be based on the life of Edward Teach, aka Blackbeard, a former British Naval captain who becomes a privateer (basically a captain licensed by a government to pirate other nation’s ships), who later becomes a full-on pirate, feared by all until he was captured, killed, and beheaded off of North Carolina by Lt. Robert Maynard in 1718.  Mania reports that Paul Greengrass (United 93, Bourne Ultimatum) is the lead candidate to direct. They offer some plot details:

Edward Teach is in the employ of Britain’s royal navy and fought for the queen in the War of Spanish Succession.  During that time he had a protege who served with him as his first mate.  When Britain withdrew from the war in the early 1700′s, many men of the royal navy were disavowed.  Teach, feeling betrayed and without a country to call his own, turned to piracy.  With many of his disavowed sea fairing comrades, he took a ship and using his honed skills and intimate knowledge of the navy’s shipping routes and pots, began exacting his revenge.

Becoming an increasing threat, the British navy directed Teach’s old protege, now a captain, to hunt down Blackbeard and put an end to his tyranny.  For the most part the story will be based on some truth but the protégé subplot is completely made up and, if successful, will be used again [I have no idea what "used again" means].

Sounds fairly paint by numbers, but as long as it has rum, cannons, rape, and swordfighting, I won’t be too upset. But if they make another pirate movie full of goddamned dancing skeletons, talking monkeys, and Orlando Bloom, I swear to God I’m going to rape Jerry Bruckheimer myself.  Okay, that wouldn’t make much sense.  Probably I’ll just get real mad and kick the coffee table and hop around my apartment on one foot. But I’m telling you, you would not want to be that coffee table.

Okay, so maybe Charlie and the Chocolate Factory references aren’t super timely.  But this one’s a spoof of that anti-piracy ad. …Okay, that’s kind of old too.  But keep in mind, animation takes a really, really long time.  Hell, just drawing this one picture of me making love to a Cheetah has taken me all morning. And now… time to see if this kitty purrs.