A U.K. studio is planning a Treasure Island movie, but don’t get the wrong idea, it won’t be like those crusty old things your grandpa used to look at — what were those called?  Books?  Yeah, screw that.  This is gonna be more like if Roxxxy the Sexbot got fisted by an iPad.  I hope they call it Treasure Pterodactyl Planet.

Ecosse films wants to update the 19th century tale of pirates and buried gold for contemporary auds, playing up the relationship between Long John Silver and narrator Jim Hawkins.  Silver’s character will be hipper, in the style of Robert Downey Jr’s interpretation of Sherlock Holmes. [Variety]

Okay, so when I wrote that opening paragraph I was expecting this to sound a lot dumber.  Damned British people and their restraint.  I’m just thanking God no one used the word “bromance.”  But to be fair, if a gay subplot was ever in order, it’d be in a story about pirates.  All that sailing around on a boat full of muscular outlaws, no women in sight.  Look, I’m not sayin I’d bang a dude if I were aboard ship, but I’d sure as hell watch.

Steven Spielberg, who once rocked the world’s nuts off with dinosaurs and Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park, has optioned another Michael Crichton property, his unfinished, posthumously published pirate novel, Pirate Latitudes, “an adventure story set off the coast of Jamaica in 1665.” 

Spielberg plans to produce and is considering directing. DreamWorks Studios describes the novel as the story of “a daring plan to infiltrate Port Royal, one of the world’s richest and most notorious cities, and raid a Spanish galleon filled with treasure.”

[Dreamworks CEO Stacy] Snider says [Pirate Latitudes and Pirates of the Caribbean] won’t clash because Pirate Latitudes will be more grounded in reality, as opposed to the supernatural fantasy of the Disney films. [USA Today]

What, no dancing ghosts and Johnny Depp in makeup?  How could such a pirate movie possibly hope to entertain me?  Anyway, no word yet on possible casting, but upon hearing the news, Matthew McConnaughey coughed up some bong smoke and said, “A galleon filled with treasure?  Say man, I like the sound a that,” then zoned out for a while and played the bongos.

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Warner Bros is producing a remake of the 1935 Errol Flynn swashbuckler Captain Blood, with Daybreakers directors the Spierig Brothers.  But of course, this won’t be your grandpappy’s pirate movie, because your grandpappy pisses himself and his fly is down.  No, this one will be fresh and hip and MP3 because this one will be set in space.  XXXTREEEEME SPACE PIRACY!!!

According to Variety, the studio decided that the best way to usher the beloved 1935 Errol Flynn pirate classic into the modern world was by setting the movie … in outer space!  When I called Producer Bill Gerber, he was matter-of-fact about the changes. “When it comes to swashbuckling, you just couldn’t go back to the pirate era, not once you’ve experienced the juggernaut that is ‘Pirates of the Caribbean,’ ” he explains. “So we needed to find a new way to tell the story.” [LATimes]

Oh sure, you can’t do a real pirate movie now that people have already seen Johnny Depp dance with skeletons and wear eyeliner.  Just like you can’t do basketball movies now because Zac Efron sang a love song to his basketball.

^{This picture is related somehow, isn’t it?}

When Michael Crichton died last year, I wasn’t mature enough to avoid the obvious ER joke.  But more importantly, he left behind a book about pirates that was discovered in his files by an assistant.

HarperCollins plans to back “Pirate Latitudes,” ['Piratitudes' would've been way better -Ed.]which is set in Jamaica in 1665, with a first printing of 1 million copies.  Story revolves around plans by a notorious pirate named Hunter and the governor of Jamaica and to raid a Spanish galleon filled with treasure. [...] the untitled book will be completed based on the writer’s notes. An author has not yet been hired to finish that work. [Variety]

Don’t judge me: I loved Crichton’s The Great Train Robbery, so a Crichton story about pirates actually sounds kind of awesome.  *swallows excess saliva back down* Plus, there’s no way it could be worse than Pirates of the Caribbean 3.  However, it’s not like the guy got hit by a truck one day, he was dying of cancer; if he’d wanted the book published it seems like he would’ve said something.  Oh, Variety also adds that Crichton wrote the book “before his death.”  That’s important to note. I always thought Hemingway jumped the shark right about the time he blew his brains out.

Friday free for all is the time of the week when “film-related” goes out the window in favor of “crazy shit you need to watch right now.”  Send your tips to lance@filmdrunk.com, and no, ninja guy, I haven’t forgotten about you.

I try not to throw around terms like “best ever” too cavalierly because I used to drive a Chevy Cavalier and that thing sucked. Seriously though, this f-cking video has everything. Here’s the play-by-play:

Knight wearing guyliner rides horse through stream
He meets a medieval lady
He valiantly defends her from some sparks
And then the sword-wielding vampire ladies come
Don’t point that thing at me, bitch is you crazy?
Bad guy split screen! Hooded guy in a mask on fire! Two sword ladies!
Wild horses wildly running
Good guy split screen!
And then the snow angels show up. They’ve got candles. For the lovers to drip crotch wax, you see.
Snowy mountains
Matching robes!

You get the picture. And that was only the first 1:20 or so. From there we get pirates, a ship exploding, a ghost romance, more explosions, a gang of pterodactyls, a crocodile… hold on. Yep, I just came.

[via Videogum]