A few weeks back I reported on rumors that the studio was looking at Russell Brand for the part of Johnny Depp’s sidekick in Pirates of the Carribbean 4.  Now those rumors are being confirmed… by The Sun.

The deal to play Jonathan, younger brother of Johnny Depp’s character, could be worth £5million.  A source said: “There couldn’t be a role more perfectly suited. There’s a lot of Jack Sparrow in his mannerisms and behaviour. Depp’s accent isn’t a million miles away from Russell’s either.”

Reading news in the British press is about the same as hearing it from your aunt’s neighbor’s cousin’s plumber’s Filipino ladyboy-slave.  This one might be true, but keep in mind these are the same people who reported Cher would play Catwoman in the next Batman movie.  Also note: two separate sources chose to illustrate this story with a photoshopped picture.  The Daily Mail even went so far as to put a copyright symbol at the bottom of theirs. I feel this bears repeating: A mainstream media outlet pasted Russell Brand’s face on Johnny Depp’s body, and then claimed a copyright on it.  This is a joke, right?  Some dry British thing that we missed?  Oy claims a copyroight, Oy did.  Me maites n oy’s gonna hav a propa laff about dis one, else Oy ain’t dog’s your uncle lorrie bobby lift, eh guv?

MTV UK is currently reporting that Zac Efron has been cast in Pirates of the Caribbean 4 alongside Johnny Depp, and will earn almost $10 million for the role.  Meanwhile, MTV US is going out of their way to debunk the same story, in yet more evidence for my thesis: All British People Are Liars.

It all made too much sense: Efron was a Disney star, “Pirates” was a Disney franchise. Efron was leaving “HSM,” Disney didn’t want him out of their grasp. And, I mean, if you can’t trust “The National Enquirer” and British tabloids, who could you trust?
Speaking to MTV News, Efron was adamant that the talk of his voyaging through the Caribbean was nothing more than a rumor. “No one has talked to me about it,” the “High School Musical 3” star insisted. “I didn’t even know [about it].”
That said, of course, [Efron] couldn’t help but smile at the possibility, telling us that just to be mentioned for a role was “awesome.”
“I didn’t know anything about that,” he said. “[But] cross your fingers for me guys!”

Look folks, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go ahead and make the obvious joke here.  Actually f-ck it, I’ll just give you the punchline: “Butt pirate.”

Jerry Suckheimer officially locked down Johnny Depp for Talking Monkeys of the Carribbean 4 last week, a role for which the Daily Mail recently reported he’ll be paid $55 million, not including whatever piece of the back end he’s getting [**winks**].   Keep in mind The Daily Mail is British and all British people are all liars.  Today, an even more bogus-sounding set of rumors, from the ever-reliable “proven informant who wishes to remain anonymous”.

…there are talks of Captain Jack having a brother in the next movie, possibly to be played by Sacha Baron Cohen (perfect!) or Russell Brand (even more perfect!) Of course, that’s probably just fantasy casting, but why would either of those comedians turn the role down? As we’ve mentioned before, the new movie might kick off a trilogy, which would revolve around Captain Jack’s search for the Fountain of Youth [I think you just answered your own rhetorial question there, bub. -Ed.]
Geoffrey Rush and director Gore Verbinski are apparently both planning to return, but… and this is a big maybe… Tim Burton might direct instead. Tim Burton! [CinemaBlend]

Omg omg omg!  **flaps hand in face**  This could be better than a sequel to Mars Attacks! Last I heard, Tim Burton was working on Alice in Wonderland, but whatever.  I didn’t think Johnny Depp would be part of this horrible abortion either, but then I didn’t know they’d be paying him the equivalent of almost one and a half Spider-Man musicals.  As for Russell Brand, he was funny in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but… does anyone else really really really wanna punch him in the face*?  Wash your goddamned hair, hippie.

^{*It’s second on the list behind “zigga zig ahh”.}

In a recent interview with Box Office Mojo, Disney Chairman Dick Cook (which sounds much funnier as an occupation) talked about one of Disney’s upcoming projects, a movie version of the Jungle Cruise Ride. 

There will be a family involved. The skipper will play a very important role. He’ll be more of an Indiana Jones kind of guy, with a little Jack Sparrow in him, who’s going to be able to take this family on an adventure that they never dreamed they were going to be on when they first got on board. In true Disney fashion, it will definitely have the adventure and the intensity—but also the heart and the fun.

Gee willikers, doesn’t that sound exciting.  How about a small world movie?  Everyone loves racial stereotypes.  Cook went on to say that they’d originally planned a movie version of Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, but worried the only people that would come would be "really stoned".

I think a better idea would be a movie adaptation of Country Bear Jamboree, called Baby Polar Bear Jamboree, starring Knüt (pictured), and possibly John Goodman.  And yes, I’ll be expecting royalties.

I don’t know how I missed this, but a few days ago, the People’s Choice Awards released their list of nominations. Among them:

Favorite Movie: The Bourne Ultimatum; Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End; Transformers
Favorite Family Movie: Evan Almighty, Ratatouille, Shrek the Third

You can see the full list here.  It’s nice that the People’s Choice Awards committee nominates stuff like Pirates and Transformers, instead of condescending to us with faux high brow stuff like those dandies at the Oscars. I so enjoy the People’s Choice Awards, in fact, that I did some digging, and found…

People’s Choice Awards – The Lost Categories

Favorite Beverage: Sunny Delight, Kool Aid, Mountain Dew, Coors
Favorite Author: Dan Brown, John Grisham, Donald Trump, Jesus
Favorite Birth Control Method: Condoms, Saran Wrap, Mountain Dew, Anal
 

•    Favorite Salad Dressing: Ranch, Thousand Island, Buttermilk, Gravy
•    Favorite Scapegoat: Queers, The Devil, Mexicans, Evolution
•    Favorite Restaurant: Arby’s, The Olive Garden, Dairy Queen, Spago
•    Favorite Sport: NASCAR, Noodling, Wrasslin’, Horseplay
•    Favorite Tattoo: ‘Mom’, Arm Band, Tramp Stamp, Tribal
•    Favorite Religion: Baptist, Methodist, Jesusism, NASCAR
•    Favorite Footwear: Socks, Tube Socks, Aqua Socks, Birkenstocks
•    Favorite Dessert: Ice Cream, Snickers, Toothpaste, Domestic Violence
•    Favorite Actress: Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, Jenna Jameson, That Black Chick
•    Favorite Neckwear: Scarf, Ascot, T-Shirt, Hickies
•    Favorite Foreigner: David Beckham, Borat, 50 Cent, A-Rod
•    Favorite Steak: Sirloin, Salisbury, Chicken-Fried, Tube
•    Favorite TV Personality: Jeff Foxworthy, Donald Trump, Ronald McDonald, Hitler
•    Favorite Facial Hair: Goatee, Soul Patch, Chinstrap, Neck Beard
•    Favorite Statutory Rape Rationalization: “If She’s Old Enough to Bleed, She’s Old Enough to Breed,” “If There’s Grass on the Field, Play Ball,” “If She’s Tall Enough to Reach the Mailbox, She’s Old Enough to Get the Package,” “Shit Happens.”
•    Favorite Child Name: Connor, Cody, Cooder, Shitferbrains
•    Favorite Hairstyle (Male): Mullet, Bowl Cut, ‘Bama Bangs, Sox Hat
•    Favorite Hairstyle (Female): Jersey Girl, Fe-Mullet, Power Bangs, Sox Hat
•    Favorite Contraction: Ain’t, Y’all, Wadn’t, Mu’Fucker
•    Favorite Snack: Bugles, Pork Rinds, Cigarettes, Hot Pockets

And, since this is People’s Choice, feel free to submit your own! 

User Submitted:

Favorite Birth Defects: Webbed Feet, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Club Feet, Freckles
Favorite Place to Beat Your Kids: Butt, Face and Neck Area, Right Thur in the Middle a the Goddamned Wal-Mart in Front a the Manager and Everbuddy