From the “what if” files, right after I ponder what my life would be like had Diora Baird not taken out that restraining order against me, comes this story, about how Johnny Depp’s role as Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean was originally written for Hugh Jackman.  I can’t imagine Hugh Jackman turning down an opportunity to prance around wearing eyeliner, but that’s what it says.

“I initially wrote that character with Hugh Jackman in mind,” screenwriter Stuart Beattie told Pop Tarts at the Advance Lounge Chair series in Los Angeles. “Hence the name Captain JACK Sparrow.”

At the time, Jackman was a prominent actor in Beattie’s homeland of Australia, but was not yet a big on the international scene, prompting the folks at Disney to dismiss Beattie’s casting contribution and instead hunt down Johnny Depp for the role.

“I spent ten years pitching it Disney and they weren’t interested,” Beattie, who went on to write a string of other big-budget, epic films such as “Collateral,” “G.I Joe: Rise of the Cobra,” Australia” and “30 Days of Night,” added. “Then finally, I got a call to come back in.”[FoxNews]

Gosh, could you imagine if it had been a different A-list actor toplining a Jerry Bruckheimer air fart?  Who knows how things would’ve have turned out. Would Pirates still be filming a third sequel? Would we still have a black president?  My God, it’s like the butterfly effect.

Oh sure, now he’s holding a bulldog in a sweater. Now I feel like a real assh*le for making fun of him.  I swear, you could hand Hitler a dog in a sweater and I’d be all, “Aww, maybe the Jews are bad.”

At Patton Oswalt’s show during Comic-Con this year, he told a story about having been at a past convention with Johnny Depp, who wanted to check out the festivities without getting mobbed.  So Depp had his assistant go to the store and buy the cheapest Jack Sparrow outfit he could find. He put it on and, as he’d predicted, the real Depp was able to blend right in while photographers mobbed the guys who’d probably spent a thousand hours hand crafting the most authentic, period-appropriate Sparrow costumes.

I say this as an elaborate way to tell you that Johnny Depp dressed up in full Sparrow regalia to suprise a 9-year-old British girl at her school this week.  Why?  Because she wrote him a cute letter, of course.

The star is currently in south-east London filming the fourth Pirates Of The Caribbean movie On Stranger Tides and arrived at the Meridian Primary School dressed in full character as Captain Jack Sparrow.
He made the one-off trip after nine-year-old pupil Beatrice Delap wrote to the star asking for help staging a ‘mutiny’ against the teachers.
The school was told just ten minutes before that Depp would be arriving and two blacked-out cars swept through the school gates.
Beatrice revealed what she had written in the letter to the star – or rather his salty seadog alter ego.
She said: ‘Captain Jack Sparrow, At Meridian Primary School, we are a bunch of budding young pirates.  Normally we’re a right handful, but we’re having a bit of trouble mutiny-ing against the teachers! We’d love if you could come and help.
‘Beatrice Delap, aged nine, a budding pirate.’

She said that she was then asked by the star to make herself known from the assembled pupils once he arrived, and gave her a cuddle.  Beatrice marvelled: ‘He gave me a hug and he said, “Maybe we shouldn’t mutiny today ‘cos there are police outside monitoring me.”‘ [DailyMail via Gunaxin]

Christ, in my head I read that letter in an adorable 9-year-old British girl accent and it was like getting snuggled by a thousand corgi puppies.  That was so cute I think I puked glitter.

If a nine-year-old American kid tried this, it’d probably just be an outline of his hand with some ranch dressing spilled on it.

(“Yarrr, whar be the buffet?”)

Disney is going full-speed ahead with Pirates of the Caribbean 4, now matter how much everyone agrees that the last one will be nearly impossible to outsuck.  But not to fear, they have a plot in mind that should maintain their spotless reputation for sucking.

When D23 and Johnny Depp announced that the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean installment would follow up its colon with On Stranger Tides, it didn’t take the Internet long to point out that there was already a pirate story carrying that title. It seemed an unlikely coincidence since Tim Powers’ book also starred a pirate named Jack, and centered on a quest for the Fountain of Youth. Powers confirmed to Hero Complex that Disney did indeed option his 1987 novel three years ago, and that he’s been eagerly sitting on the news for all that time. As the author is quick to point out, his Jack “Shandy” Chandagnac and Jack Sparrow have little in common, and he’s unsure as to how Disney will adapt his book to the Pirates of the Caribbean mold. “I’ve watched all the movies several times, of course, and I think the clear thing they would use is the trip to the Fountain of Youth.” [Cinematical]

Think back to the original Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland: it had a bunch of big, hairy drunk dudes chasing whores and torturing a guy in a cage.  It was kind of scary and awesome.  But now modern Disney can finally complete their de-coolification of the pirate phenomenon by having the big hairy drunks drink from a fountain that turns them into Zac Efron.  By the time I take my kids to Disneyland, the theme of the rides will just be two ponies spooning.

(“Now which one a you dogs’d loike ta play swords wiv moy friend Orlando Bloom?”)

Dick Cook resigned (or was fired, but who really cares) as studio chief at Disney on Friday after 38 years with the company.  One of the consequences of which is that Johnny Depp now isn’t sounding so hot on doing Pirates of the Caribbean 4. Thank God.

The actor said it was because of Cook that he ended up working with Disney in the first place. Cook had been trying woo Depp for years with various projects including doing voice-overs for animated films and one day, in Cook’s office, the studio chief threw out an idea that Depp pounced on. He said, ‘We’re thinking about doing this ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie,’” Depp recalled. “I said I was in. This was before there was a script or anything.”  Depp said one of the reasons he committed to the movie was because he trusted Cook.
“When things went a little sideways on the first ‘Pirates’ movie and others at the studio were less than enthusiastic about my interpretation of the character, Dick was there from the first moment. He trusted me,” said Depp, referring to his controversial choices to fill his mouth with gold fillings and wear “things tied into my hair.”

As for the fourth planned “Pirates” movie, Depp said while he has a potential deal in place that will depend on how good the script is, his passion for the project at the moment has been severely dampened by the news that Cook will no longer be around.  “There’s a fissure, a crack in my enthusiasm at the moment,” Depp said. “It was all born in that office.”  [LATimes]

Three horrible movies and it’s only now that you’re considering quitting?  I guess it only figures that he’d notice a fissure after big Dick pulls out.  …Oh sure, act like you wouldn’t have made an anal sex joke there.  I REGRET NOTHING!  *jumps ship with knife between teeth*

Variety’s Mike Fleming today reports that Pirates of the Caribean 4, which lost director Gore Verbinski earlier this year, is close to hiring Chicago director Rob Marshall.  Ha, more like BUTT Pirates of the GAYribbean, amirite?  …Anyway, this is good news, because Chicago is one of my top 10 favorite musicals starring Queen Latifah and Richard Gere.

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney have been meeting with a number of directors in recent weeks, because the studio wants to pull the “Pirates” film together and have Depp star in it before he does “The Lone Ranger” for the producer and the studio.

According to theplaylist, the plan for Pirates 4 is to focus solely on Depp’s Captain Jack.  Which is fine by me as long as there’s a ghost story, or some robots or aliens.  That’s what I love about Jerry Bruckheimer, he really knows how to spice up a boring old story about cannons and swordfighting and rape. I mean, who’d wanna watch that?  (I hate you.)