Hey, girl, stop playing koi

Get excited, folks, we’ve got a new trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean 4, aka On Stranger Tides, in theaters May 20th. The Pirates of the Carribbean ride at Disneyland always scared the crap out of me as a kid (GRR, DUNGEONS AND WHORES), and throughout this entire franchise, I’d been hoping that they’d make the movie version a little more about that sense of seedy pirate realism and a little less… uh… gay.  It looks like Disney has finally answered my prayers and gone less camp this time around. And by that I mean they hired the director of Chicago for a story about how Jack Sparrow has to sacrifice a mermaid to the fountain of youth to lift an ancient curse. (*sigh*) (*hook-hand dismissive wank*)

[Trailer after the jump, some of the mermaids below, including my new girlfriend, Astrid Berges-Frisbey.]

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Vinnie’s Playgirl shoot is running longer than expected today, so I thought I’d take a second to make your lives better with the new teaser trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides, because I know that’s what you’ve been praying for all day. Here’s the thing – I know most of us Drunkards don’t quite care for the Pirates films (well, obviously the pornos, but I digress) but this one has Ian McShane in it as Captain Blackbeard. And I checked my Man Rules book and sure enough – Chapter 37: If It Has Ian McShane It Might Not Suck.

It also has sexy mermaids, unsexy zombies and Penelope Cruz yelling things in some sort of ancient language. Is that Egyptian? Mayan? Swahili? We may never know.

Interesting side note: “There’s the jack I know” is what I yell at climax.

Trailer after the jump…

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USA Today just released the first picture of Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, and boy is it exciting.  Here I’ve been dying to know what Penelope Cruz would look like in Party City’s least revealing Adult Halloween costume.

On a blustery gray morning in the Painted Hall of the Old Royal Naval College, Johnny Depp’s seafarer is being dragged forward by guards for an audience with King George II (Richard Griffiths), who wants him to seek the Fountain of Youth.
The king has already recruited Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) to join the mission, meaning Sparrow’s old nemesis has gone corporate, 1750s-century style.
The proposal goes badly, as expected.
Along the road to the Fountain of Youth, Sparrow will meet a friendly mermaid (Astrid Berges-Frisbey) and be tempted by a wicked former flame (Penelope Cruz) and her sadistic father, Blackbeard (Ian McShane) — but there will be no Will and Elizabeth (Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley). [USA Today]

No Orlando Bloom?  NO ORLANDO BLOOM??!?  This is a travesty.  Why, thy very name is synonymous with excitement and intrigue.
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This post will be a nice little round-up of the new pictures and posters going around the web today.  First up, John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe in The Raven (source).  I kid you not, this is the actual plot:

Based on an original script by Hannah Shakespeare and Ben Livingston, The Raven is set in the last five days of Poe’s life, when a serial killer is running around Baltimore using Poe’s stories as the backdrops for his killings. Poe and a young detective have a ticking clock to outsmart the killer before he strikes again.

Iiiiiiiiin YOUR EYES
at my chamber doooooor
YOUR EYES
forgiveness I imploooooore
YOUR EYES
You filled me with fantastic terrors never felt befooooore….
IIIN YOUR EYES…

Sorry, that was uncalled for.  I know how much he hates that reference.  Suffice to say, I hope Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Edgar Allan Poe: Homicide Detective team up at some point.

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UPDATE: See below

According to the world’s ugliest website the Drudge Report, Disney is considering cutting all of Keith Richards’ scenes from Pirates 4 due to concerns about “pro-drug” comments in his new book.  And thus, we have everything wrong with the world packed into a single sentence.

DISNEY executives are sweating it out as salty details of an upcoming book written by rocker/actor Keith Richards leak and splash. [Dear Drudge, I want to strangle you with your own mouse cord. -Ed.]

Executives fear the rocker’s shocking admissions in his new book, LIFE, may cause a firestorm and ignite a backlash around the family-friendly Magic Kingdom. [wouldn't the verb "ignite" work better with "firestorm," dumbass? How does one "ignite" a "backlash"?]

Among the concerns, Richards appears to detail how to safely get stoned: Use ‘high-quality drugs’ in moderation! Richard writes: “It’s not only the high quality of drugs I had that I attribute my survival to. I was very meticulous about how much I took. I’d never put more in to get a little higher. That’s where most people f**k up on drugs.”

One well-placed entertainment source explains that Snow White may end up dumping her Dopey! [Oh my God I hope you die. Of all the Disney drug references you could've chosen, you picked "Dopey", even though Disney being "Snow White" in this situation doesn't make any f*cking sense.  And you thought this was clever enough to warrant both an exclamation point AND a separate paragraph. God you're a jackass.]

“They very well could end up cutting Keith out of the new movie over this,” claims the insider.

“We here at Disney apologize.  We had no idea one of the world’s most famous rock stars had done drugs, and once we found out, we had no choice but to fire him from our movie about guys who sail around drinking rum and raping people.”

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