People still interested in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise because they love Johnny Depp to me are like smokers who’d rather pick butts out of a scummy gutter than wait for the 7/11 to open.  I’d been praying that people would get tired of this franchise since about 40 minutes into the first one, and it seems it’s finally happening, albeit incredibly slowly.  4irates of the Caribbean (as I like to call it) grossed an estimated $90 million over the weekend, which beat out Fast Five‘s $86.2 million for the biggest opening of 2011. But even with half its money coming from premium-priced 3D, 4irates was still the lowest-grossing sequel of the franchise.

Relative to its predecessors, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides sank: At World’s End drew $114.7 million on its first weekend in May 2007 (not including $13.2 million in Thursday night previews), while Dead Man’s Chest raked in a then-record $135.6 million opening weekend back in July 2006. Adjusted for ticket price inflation, those grosses would be the equivalent of $131 million and $163 million, respectively. On Stranger Tides’s start was also less than that of the last Johnny Depp spectacle Alice in Wonderland (2010), which began with $116.1 million. [BoxOfficeMojo]

Probably just missing out on that “Orlando Bloom Bump.” Full top ten after the jump.

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Things have obviously been a little crazy around here this week, what with all of the Gloria Allreds of the Interwebs putting a bounty on Vince’s testicles. That’s why I thought a great way to turn the page and start fresh would be to offer up a little peace treaty to all you intelligent, classy broads out there. In fact, even as our beloved Chodin has been away on assignment on Fire Island, he still found time to whisper in my ear from behind that we should give the ladies some eye candy to show that FilmDrunk isn’t a sexist haven for the web’s derelicts.

With that said, there’s no better way to say, “I respect females” than by giving them a gallery of the upcoming summer’s hottest movie bulges. An action hero isn’t an action hero if he doesn’t have a divine codpiece or some sort of crotchal decoration that screams, “This crotch belongs to a mother f*cking star!” And this summer is full of decorated crotches, so we hope that you ladies – and movie codpiece enthusiast men – enjoy this little trivia challenge that we’ve put together for you.

See if you can score 100 and become a Divine FilmDrunk Crotch Hound…

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Thanks to YahooMovies, we have the first clip from Pirates of the Caribbean 4, aka Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, aka Oh God This is Never Going to End is it, from new director Rob Marshall (of Chicago/Nine fame).  In the clip, Jack Sparrow effortlessly beats up the inept guards, runs across the table at a fancy dinner party, makes the fat man in the powdered wig frown, and swings away on a chandelier while grabbing a dinner roll and winking on the way out.  Hey, at least they didn’t go too campy with this one, right?  The only thing missing is a dog covering its eyes with its paws.  If they get through this entire movie without a bad guy falling face first in manure I will eat my tri-corner hat. CURSE YOU, JACK SPARROW, YOU LOVABLE INCORRIGIBLE ROGUE!

In case you were worried we wouldn’t get a fifth Pirates of the Caribbean film after the fourth one hits theaters in May, fret not, this bland, sh-tty franchise will be the last thing left on Earth along with cockroaches and Taco Bell taco meat.  The writers have already been hired.

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer says he has a screenplay in the works for a fifth “Pirates” tale after May’s “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” comes out.

Gosh, I hope it involves a curse, or a ghost, or a talking monkey, or a fat suit, or a lobotomy.

Bruckheimer says “On Stranger Tides” and future “Pirates” flicks will be stand-alone stories continuing the adventures of Depp’s woozy buccaneer Capt. Jack Sparrow.

“Woozy Buccaneer” — great name for a bar.

Directed by Rob Marshall (“Chicago”), “On Stranger Tides” sends Jack on a quest for the fountain of youth. Bruckheimer and Marshall showed off footage Tuesday at CinemaCon, a Las Vegas convention of theater owners.
“At test screenings of “On Stranger Tides,” “the audience told us what they loved about it is that it was fresh, it was new, it was a whole new story,” Bruckheimer said in an interview alongside Marshall. “As long as the audience embraces this one, we’ll certainly try to make another one. It’s really up to Johnny. He loves the character.”

“We showed this film to a whole parade of increasingly listless yokels we found loitering outside convenience stores during business hours.  They loved it, and we really tried to incorporate all of their suggestions.  We weren’t sure what ‘gravyplane’ meant, exactly, but the freshness, that was an idea we really tried to run with.”

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Listen up, Dillweeds: every week, a lot of posters come out, far more than I can cover one at a time. So going forward (THAT’S BUSINESS TALK), I’ll be grouping them all in one place, for you to admire soup to nuts, like Charlie Sheen tried to do with those porn stars.  Now that that’s out of the way, come with me, on a magical journey through pictures and text.

Here’s our the first of this week’s Pirates of Caribbean character posters.  So wait, you’ve got Penelope Cruz on a poster and you’re not even going to maximize her cleavage?  That’s like the first rule of eye-catching!  Obviously you’re not a blogger.  Jeez, use Photoshop if you have to.

[via IGN]

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