Teen Wolf did it.

Good news for people who like Johnny Depp wearing silly costumes and smirking at the camera, there’s going to be a Pirates of the Caribbean 5! (*swings through room on chandelier, steals roll from fancy dinner party, juggles priceless vase, looks into the camera, armpit farts, jumps through window*)

Walt Disney Studios has announced that a fifth “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie is set for release on July 10, 2015.  Johnny Depp will return as Captain Jack Sparrow and Jeff Nathanson [Tower Heist, The Terminal] is working on the screenplay.  The Jerry Bruckheimer production currently is without a director, but one would assume Rob Marshall, who helmed the critically panned “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides,” will not return.

Why wouldn’t he? They’ve got the guy from Tower Heist writing it.

The new “Pirates” movie is setting Disney up for a huge 2015. The studio has already revealed it plans to release the first of three new “Star Wars” films and “The Avengers 2″ during that same summer. [HitFix]

In all honesty, I thought they already made like seven of these. “Pirates of the Caribbean 6: The Search for Curly’s Gold.” “Pirates 8: Dog President.” And in case you were worried about Johnny Depp not stretching himself, he’s also signed up to play a wizard in “The Magical Hat of Mortimer Wintergreen.” Way to branch out there, buddy. I’m convinced he chooses roles based on number of accessories he’ll get to wear these days. “Ooh, Rastafari Snake Handler? Elizabethan Medallion Salesman? Where do I sign?”

According to CNN and others, two crewman are missing from a replica ship used in Mutiny on the Bounty, Treasure Island, and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, after it was battered by Hurricane Sandy off the coast of North Carolina.

Two crew members are missing Monday amid 18-foot-tall waves and 40-mph winds after they and their team abandoned the three-masted HMS Bounty for two lifeboats, the U.S. Coast Guard reported.
Coast Guard helicopters plucked 14 people out of the chilly Atlantic Ocean around 6:30 a.m., Petty Officer Brandyn Hill said. But so far, there’s no word on the missing.
After fighting waves towering 18 feet high and winds of 40 mph, the 16 crew members fled the HMS Bounty, which appeared in some classic adventure films, hoping for rescue as soon as possible.
The Coast Guard was bringing all 14 people it saved to the Coast Guard air station in Elizabeth City, North Carolina, according to Hill.
A C-130 aircraft is still looking for the two missing crew members, and a third Jayhawk crew is en route to help the search-and-rescue effort, the Coast Guard said.
Initial reports said 17 crew members were aboard the HMS Bounty, but the Coast Guard corrected that number in its most recent statement.
Wearing special cold-weather survival suits, crew members abandoned ship Monday into lifeboats designed to hold 25 people. The boats also have canopies to help shelter them somewhat from Sandy’s pelting rain and winds.
The Coast Guard received an emergency call from the ship’s owner Sunday after the 80-foot, three-masted vessel lost power and started taking on water, the Coast Guard said. Rescuers picked up an emergency locator beacon from the vessel, and an HC-130 aircraft was dispatched to the area, where the plane made contact with the crew. [CNN]

In an interview on ABC about an hour ago, Coast Guard Vice Admiral Robert Parker said “We currently have either two or three people still unaccounted for and the vessel has completely sunk.”

Which obviously makes you wonder… what the f*ck were people doing on a pirate ship from a movie with a giant storm approaching? A giant storm we’ve been hearing about for a week. When I think of places I’d want to be when a storm hits, “on a sailboat from the 1700s” is pretty far down the list. That’s quite an oversight. I just hope they remembered to evacuate Tom Hanks’ raft from Castaway.

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In case you weren’t smart enough to avoid Twitter and Facebook on Wednesday, you probably noticed that it was “International Talk Like a Pirate Day”, because we have a day for pretty much anything else you can think of so why not that, too? Well folks, it’s all fun and games on Talk Like a Pirate Day until someone loses a passenger ferry to a drunken pirate, which is exactly what happened in Dartmouth, Devon, U.K.

Alison Whelan, 51, was just minding her own business on a 2-day bender, when she suddenly decided to invoke Pirates of the Caribbean and steal a ferry, because when you’re mega-butthoused it’s either that or poop your pants, and boats are way more fun.

Whelan was so drunk on Lambrini she dialled 999 and officers raced to the scene but she then unmoored the 45ft vessel and started drifting away.

She was heard shouting “I’m Jack Sparrow” and “I’m A Pirate” as she made her escape on the double-decker ferry.

But the boat then began hitting other vessels ”like a pinball machine” – including a £70,000 catamaran, Torquay Magistrates Court in Devon heard.

The boat finally came to rest an hour later a mile upstream where lifeboats arrived to tow Whelan and her accomplice back to the harbour.

When arrested she claimed that she ”would have ended up in St Tropez” if she hadn’t been caught. (Via the Telegraph)

For her maritime crimes, Whelan received 122 days in jail for “aggravated vehicle taking” which is really a thing. According to the police, she eventually admitted that she didn’t even think of stealing the ferry until she had untied three of the docking ropes because she kept tripping over them. Eventually she just said, “ARRRRRRRGH! F*ck ye!” and untied the rest of the ropes, because her ass just started sailing.

But every stolen ferry story has a silver lining. With this latest arrest, Whelan may finally get the help she needs to battle her problem with alcohol. You know, until she receives her new liver that she’s currently waiting on, and then yo ho ho, blow the bottle of gin down.

[Requisite Arrested Development reference: She needs a maritime lawyer! Call Chareth Cutestory! -Vince]

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The only Pirates sequel I'd watch

If you wondered why a universally-liked and generally-respected actor like Johnny Depp would waste so much of his time and credibility wearing eyeliner and dancing with skeletons, the answer is pretty obvious: CASH MONEY, SON! (*swings through room on chandelier, steals dinner roll, farts out candles*) Citing an “individual with knowledge of his deals,” TheWrap reports that Depp has earned $350 million from the franchise, so now you know how he affords all those accessories. Disney officially disputes the number, and Forbes estimated his 2009 – 2010 earnings at $75 million, but here’s how the Wrap says they came by their number:

The insider told TheWrap that Depp is paid a percentage of the movie’s gross profits after what Hollywood refers to as “cash break.” Cash break is the point after which the studio breaks even on its production cost and marketing expenses.

The Pirates franchise has made $3.7 billion worldwide, but as we’ve learned, with Hollywood Accounting, breaking even is never a guarantee.  The difference between a cash-break deal for a big player like Depp and your average net-profit deal is that if/when the film does break even, Depp gets a share of the GROSS profit, rather than splitting up net profit.  Whatever he’s made, I think “a f*ckload” would be a safe estimate. Not coincidentally, TheWrap also reports that Depp is nearing a deal to return for the fifth installment (“5rates of the Caribbean”, I assume).

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I’ve heard from a few different people who’ve seen early cuts of Pirates 4, and they’ve all said it’s bad — like insultingly bad, even compared to the last few — and I have no reason to doubt them based on the last clip we saw, which had all the fight choreography of a Nickelodeon sitcom about a talking horse.  But a little sucking never slowed this franchise down, and according to the Hollywood Reporter, Terry Rossio has already finished his script for the next installment (5IRATES OF THE 5ARIBBEAN? FIVERATES OF THE CARIFIVEAN?).  Frankly, the most surprising part of this story was learning that Pirates movies have scripts.

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer has said he’s in to make a fifth Pirates. And sources say Disney has made overtures to Rob Marshall, who took over directing duties on Pirates 4 from Gore Verbinski, who helmed the first three pictures, to return for another go-round (though no deal is in place for Marshall). But they key question mark is star Johnny Depp. Will he sign on for a fifth installment in the franchise?

“It boils down to story, script and filmmaker,” Depp tells THR. “It’s not something where I would say, ‘Let’s shoot it next month to get it out by Christmas 2012,’” he says. “We should hold off for a bit. They should be special, just like they are special to me.” [THR]

Yes, special, like McDonald’s french fries, or special sauce.  Aw man, now I’m hungry.  (*swings out window on a chandelier, juggles priceless vase, ruins fancy dinner party*)