The only Pirates sequel I'd watch

If you wondered why a universally-liked and generally-respected actor like Johnny Depp would waste so much of his time and credibility wearing eyeliner and dancing with skeletons, the answer is pretty obvious: CASH MONEY, SON! (*swings through room on chandelier, steals dinner roll, farts out candles*) Citing an “individual with knowledge of his deals,” TheWrap reports that Depp has earned $350 million from the franchise, so now you know how he affords all those accessories. Disney officially disputes the number, and Forbes estimated his 2009 – 2010 earnings at $75 million, but here’s how the Wrap says they came by their number:

The insider told TheWrap that Depp is paid a percentage of the movie’s gross profits after what Hollywood refers to as “cash break.” Cash break is the point after which the studio breaks even on its production cost and marketing expenses.

The Pirates franchise has made $3.7 billion worldwide, but as we’ve learned, with Hollywood Accounting, breaking even is never a guarantee.  The difference between a cash-break deal for a big player like Depp and your average net-profit deal is that if/when the film does break even, Depp gets a share of the GROSS profit, rather than splitting up net profit.  Whatever he’s made, I think “a f*ckload” would be a safe estimate. Not coincidentally, TheWrap also reports that Depp is nearing a deal to return for the fifth installment (“5rates of the Caribbean”, I assume).

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I’ve heard from a few different people who’ve seen early cuts of Pirates 4, and they’ve all said it’s bad — like insultingly bad, even compared to the last few — and I have no reason to doubt them based on the last clip we saw, which had all the fight choreography of a Nickelodeon sitcom about a talking horse.  But a little sucking never slowed this franchise down, and according to the Hollywood Reporter, Terry Rossio has already finished his script for the next installment (5IRATES OF THE 5ARIBBEAN? FIVERATES OF THE CARIFIVEAN?).  Frankly, the most surprising part of this story was learning that Pirates movies have scripts.

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer has said he’s in to make a fifth Pirates. And sources say Disney has made overtures to Rob Marshall, who took over directing duties on Pirates 4 from Gore Verbinski, who helmed the first three pictures, to return for another go-round (though no deal is in place for Marshall). But they key question mark is star Johnny Depp. Will he sign on for a fifth installment in the franchise?

“It boils down to story, script and filmmaker,” Depp tells THR. “It’s not something where I would say, ‘Let’s shoot it next month to get it out by Christmas 2012,’” he says. “We should hold off for a bit. They should be special, just like they are special to me.” [THR]

Yes, special, like McDonald’s french fries, or special sauce.  Aw man, now I’m hungry.  (*swings out window on a chandelier, juggles priceless vase, ruins fancy dinner party*)

Everyone likes poster art, right?  I used to post individual posters throughout the week, but that seemed messy, so now I save them up and stick them in one handy place, every Monday afternoon.  CONSIDER YOURSELF SLIDESHOW’D.

Green Lantern. All the Green Lantern poster art has seemed boring to me so far, but maybe that’s just because the source material seems boring.  Either way, it almost seems like they’re trying to sell this as an animated movie.  The only part of this that isn’t completely animated is like 60% of Ryan Reynolds’ face, and he’s cartoonishly handsome as it is. I agree with the ladies, these posters need more shirtless Ryan Reynolds.  It’s not like superhero movies aren’t blatantly homoerotic anyway.

(*pulls pistol from holster, fires flag reading “MARRY ME, RYAN”*)

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In case you were worried we wouldn’t get a fifth Pirates of the Caribbean film after the fourth one hits theaters in May, fret not, this bland, sh-tty franchise will be the last thing left on Earth along with cockroaches and Taco Bell taco meat.  The writers have already been hired.

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer says he has a screenplay in the works for a fifth “Pirates” tale after May’s “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” comes out.

Gosh, I hope it involves a curse, or a ghost, or a talking monkey, or a fat suit, or a lobotomy.

Bruckheimer says “On Stranger Tides” and future “Pirates” flicks will be stand-alone stories continuing the adventures of Depp’s woozy buccaneer Capt. Jack Sparrow.

“Woozy Buccaneer” — great name for a bar.

Directed by Rob Marshall (“Chicago”), “On Stranger Tides” sends Jack on a quest for the fountain of youth. Bruckheimer and Marshall showed off footage Tuesday at CinemaCon, a Las Vegas convention of theater owners.
“At test screenings of “On Stranger Tides,” “the audience told us what they loved about it is that it was fresh, it was new, it was a whole new story,” Bruckheimer said in an interview alongside Marshall. “As long as the audience embraces this one, we’ll certainly try to make another one. It’s really up to Johnny. He loves the character.”

“We showed this film to a whole parade of increasingly listless yokels we found loitering outside convenience stores during business hours.  They loved it, and we really tried to incorporate all of their suggestions.  We weren’t sure what ‘gravyplane’ meant, exactly, but the freshness, that was an idea we really tried to run with.”

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Run for your lives, it's Autofellatio Walrus!

That’s right, Disney has plans for two more Pirates of the Caribbean sequels, in addition to the fourth one they’re already filming (On Stranger Tides, with Nine director Rob Marshall).  It’s as if millions of queefs suddenly squeaked out in apathy, and were suddenly bottled.

HitFix can now exclusively report that Disney has begun quietly telling cast and crew to set aside a major block of time in the very near future so they can shoot “Pirates 5″ and “Pirates 6.”  And, yes, once again, they will be shooting them back-to-back as one giant film, and then they’ll release them as two films.  At this point, I don’t think there’s any doubt that Captain Jack Sparrow will be the defining role of Johnny Depp’s career.

We know Depp is committed to “Dark Shadows” and “The Lone Ranger” for 2011, so that raises the question of when they’ll shoot these sequels. I have a feeling Disney will want to get Depp back in his “Pirates” duds as soon as he’s done playing Tonto for them, but I can’t swear to the schedule.

I’ll say this for the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, the movies might all be lame and terrible, but if Johnny Depp had never put on eyeliner and dreadlocks and pranced around like a peacock, stupid people might never know what a good actor he is.