(”Yarrr, whar be the buffet?”)

Disney is going full-speed ahead with Pirates of the Caribbean 4, now matter how much everyone agrees that the last one will be nearly impossible to outsuck.  But not to fear, they have a plot in mind that should maintain their spotless reputation for sucking.

When D23 and Johnny Depp announced that the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean installment would follow up its colon with On Stranger Tides, it didn’t take the Internet long to point out that there was already a pirate story carrying that title. It seemed an unlikely coincidence since Tim Powers’ book also starred a pirate named Jack, and centered on a quest for the Fountain of Youth. Powers confirmed to Hero Complex that Disney did indeed option his 1987 novel three years ago, and that he’s been eagerly sitting on the news for all that time. As the author is quick to point out, his Jack “Shandy” Chandagnac and Jack Sparrow have little in common, and he’s unsure as to how Disney will adapt his book to the Pirates of the Caribbean mold. “I’ve watched all the movies several times, of course, and I think the clear thing they would use is the trip to the Fountain of Youth.” [Cinematical]

Think back to the original Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland: it had a bunch of big, hairy drunk dudes chasing whores and torturing a guy in a cage.  It was kind of scary and awesome.  But now modern Disney can finally complete their de-coolification of the pirate phenomenon by having the big hairy drunks drink from a fountain that turns them into Zac Efron.  By the time I take my kids to Disneyland, the theme of the rides will just be two ponies spooning.

(”Now which one a you dogs’d loike ta play swords wiv moy friend Orlando Bloom?”)

Dick Cook resigned (or was fired, but who really cares) as studio chief at Disney on Friday after 38 years with the company.  One of the consequences of which is that Johnny Depp now isn’t sounding so hot on doing Pirates of the Caribbean 4. Thank God.

The actor said it was because of Cook that he ended up working with Disney in the first place. Cook had been trying woo Depp for years with various projects including doing voice-overs for animated films and one day, in Cook’s office, the studio chief threw out an idea that Depp pounced on. He said, ‘We’re thinking about doing this ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie,’” Depp recalled. “I said I was in. This was before there was a script or anything.”  Depp said one of the reasons he committed to the movie was because he trusted Cook.
“When things went a little sideways on the first ‘Pirates’ movie and others at the studio were less than enthusiastic about my interpretation of the character, Dick was there from the first moment. He trusted me,” said Depp, referring to his controversial choices to fill his mouth with gold fillings and wear “things tied into my hair.”

As for the fourth planned “Pirates” movie, Depp said while he has a potential deal in place that will depend on how good the script is, his passion for the project at the moment has been severely dampened by the news that Cook will no longer be around.  “There’s a fissure, a crack in my enthusiasm at the moment,” Depp said. “It was all born in that office.”  [LATimes]

Three horrible movies and it’s only now that you’re considering quitting?  I guess it only figures that he’d notice a fissure after big Dick pulls out.  …Oh sure, act like you wouldn’t have made an anal sex joke there.  I REGRET NOTHING!  *jumps ship with knife between teeth*

Variety’s Mike Fleming today reports that Pirates of the Caribean 4, which lost director Gore Verbinski earlier this year, is close to hiring Chicago director Rob Marshall.  Ha, more like BUTT Pirates of the GAYribbean, amirite?  …Anyway, this is good news, because Chicago is one of my top 10 favorite musicals starring Queen Latifah and Richard Gere.

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney have been meeting with a number of directors in recent weeks, because the studio wants to pull the “Pirates” film together and have Depp star in it before he does “The Lone Ranger” for the producer and the studio.

According to theplaylist, the plan for Pirates 4 is to focus solely on Depp’s Captain Jack.  Which is fine by me as long as there’s a ghost story, or some robots or aliens.  That’s what I love about Jerry Bruckheimer, he really knows how to spice up a boring old story about cannons and swordfighting and rape. I mean, who’d wanna watch that?  (I hate you.)

A few weeks back I reported on rumors that the studio was looking at Russell Brand for the part of Johnny Depp’s sidekick in Pirates of the Carribbean 4.  Now those rumors are being confirmed… by The Sun.

The deal to play Jonathan, younger brother of Johnny Depp’s character, could be worth £5million.  A source said: “There couldn’t be a role more perfectly suited. There’s a lot of Jack Sparrow in his mannerisms and behaviour. Depp’s accent isn’t a million miles away from Russell’s either.”

Reading news in the British press is about the same as hearing it from your aunt’s neighbor’s cousin’s plumber’s Filipino ladyboy-slave.  This one might be true, but keep in mind these are the same people who reported Cher would play Catwoman in the next Batman movie.  Also note: two separate sources chose to illustrate this story with a photoshopped picture.  The Daily Mail even went so far as to put a copyright symbol at the bottom of theirs. I feel this bears repeating: A mainstream media outlet pasted Russell Brand’s face on Johnny Depp’s body, and then claimed a copyright on it.  This is a joke, right?  Some dry British thing that we missed?  Oy claims a copyroight, Oy did.  Me maites n oy’s gonna hav a propa laff about dis one, else Oy ain’t dog’s your uncle lorrie bobby lift, eh guv?

MTV UK is currently reporting that Zac Efron has been cast in Pirates of the Caribbean 4 alongside Johnny Depp, and will earn almost $10 million for the role.  Meanwhile, MTV US is going out of their way to debunk the same story, in yet more evidence for my thesis: All British People Are Liars.

It all made too much sense: Efron was a Disney star, “Pirates” was a Disney franchise. Efron was leaving “HSM,” Disney didn’t want him out of their grasp. And, I mean, if you can’t trust “The National Enquirer” and British tabloids, who could you trust?
Speaking to MTV News, Efron was adamant that the talk of his voyaging through the Caribbean was nothing more than a rumor. “No one has talked to me about it,” the “High School Musical 3” star insisted. “I didn’t even know [about it].”
That said, of course, [Efron] couldn’t help but smile at the possibility, telling us that just to be mentioned for a role was “awesome.”
“I didn’t know anything about that,” he said. “[But] cross your fingers for me guys!”

Look folks, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go ahead and make the obvious joke here.  Actually f-ck it, I’ll just give you the punchline: “Butt pirate.”