I DON'T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED!

Unlike The Great Gatsby, I haven’t actually read Stieg Larsson’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (thanks a lot, high school English class), so I may not be the best person to explain what’s going on in these new pictures from David Fincher’s adaptation (opening December 21st). Here’s what I do know: that’s Rooney “boring tits” Mara as Dame Lizardbreath von Salamander on the left, consoling Dutch actor Yorick van Wageningen (as Nils Bjurman), whose last name seems to have at least one vestigial syllable. I’m not sure what he’s so upset about. Maybe a møøse bit his sister?

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I don’t know why you’d want to do this, but I’ve seen enough Brazilian fart fetish porno to know that there’s no accounting for taste, so I’m here to report, for any interested parties, that you can watch the shooting of Brad Pitt’s World War Z movie (which is kind of based on the book but not really) today via the Glasgow City Council’s helpful webcams. They’ll be filming all week in Glasgow, which will be playing the part of Philadelphia for some reason. Which I assume will be accomplished by having a team of extras chuck D-batteries at Brad Pitt, and by building an art museum that no one will know is there until they put a statue of Rocky next to it. ZING!

Here’s the webcam link again. Thanks to Bryce for the tip and banner picture.

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Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance opens February 2012, and Sony has just released the first batch of publicity stills. I feel like if you polled a diverse cross section of adults on whether making a sequel to Ghost Rider is a terrible idea, that would be about as close as you could come to a perfect consensus. And yet, with Crank‘s Neveldine and Taylor behind the cameras and Nic Cage back as the lead, there could be a perfect storm of pure batsh*ttery brewing that connoisseurs of ridiculosity like myself would be loathe to miss. Certainly, at the least, it’s an early favorite for Armond White’s favorite movie of 2012. You may recall that he once said of Neveldine and Taylor: “Neveldine-Taylor stand so lonely on the culture’s edge that their au courant ingenuity seems absolutely avant-garde when compared to standard box-office formula.” Personally I find his fin de siecle Manichean verisimilitude somewhat disquieting, but I can’t say I disagree.

Co-director Brian Taylor offered a reminder of their star’s collaborative approach: “Nic trusts us. He was actually one of the guys we wanted for Crank, but we was out of our price range. Now we’ve got him and he’s absolutely fearless. You invite him to go there, he’ll go there. He just needs to be invited – like a vampire.” [From Empire's set visit]

They wanted Nic Cage, and ended up with Jason Statham as a consolation prize. I… I’m having a hard time processing that. I may have to go lie down for a few minutes.

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Between the producers of The Amazing Spider-Man movie, the photographer, the graphic designer, and the entire staff of Entertainment Weekly, you’d think one person would’ve had one friend who’d played a sport ever in his life that could’ve warned them that this picture makes both actors look spazzier than a cross-eyed midget with cerebral palsy. Whatever this sport is, it makes Vampire Scarf Baseball look like a World’s Strongest Man Competition. Anyway, there’s a few more Spider-Man pictures on the following pages to go with the batch from yesterday and… Wait, what’s that?? Uh oh, you guys, I think I hear a knock at the door!

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Sony’s 3D Spider-Man reboot, The Amazing Spider-Man, starring Scarfield and Emma Stone, directed by Marc Webb (HAHA, SPIDER. WEBB. ROFLTWAT.), doesn’t open until NEXT July, but all the nerdiest of nerdlingtons are already mopping their be-dandruffed brows in anticipation of the Comic-Con panel they’ll probably have to wait in line six hours for. No doubt riding that wave of misplaced enthusiasm, Sony has released this new batch of photos to Entertainment Weekly.  At its core, Spider-Man is really a story about a limber young photographer from the city who spends his nights trying to shoot hot webbing on the baddest of bad boys, but within that, there’s plenty of room for minutia. Questions left to be answered. Questions like, what color will his girlfriend’s hair be? Will his web shooters be organic or mechanical? Will he have big hair like a Twilight character? What does his ass look like in the suit? Is it matte finish or glossy? Does he have visible panty line? What color f*ck-me boots? Why am I still typing this?

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