We’ve known Sony was planning a Total Recall remake

START THE REACTOR, COMING SOON!

Len Wiseman (Live Free or Die Hard, “Underworld” films) is in final negotiations to direct Columbia Pictures’ Total Recall, it was announced today by Doug Belgrad and Matt Tolmach, presidents of Columbia Pictures. The film will be a new, contemporized adaptation of Total Recall, which was based on the story, “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale” by Philip K. Dick. Kurt Wimmer is writing the screenplay. Neal H. Moritz will produce through his Original Film banner.

Haha, “original films.”  Good one, guy who produced The Bounty Hunter.  Anyway, I saw the Wiseman-directed Live Free or Die Hard, and aside from the scene where Bruce Willis outruns a jet in a semi truck, which was one of the more pointless and idiotic things I’ve seen, it actually wasn’t that bad.  But unless it’s the Coen Brothers, Paul Thomas Anderson, Tarantino, Herzog, etc, I have to vote the Total Recall remake idea a big (*dismissive wank*).   So… the plan is to “contemporize” a movie from 1990 that takes place in the future?  I’m not sure what the hell that means, but I can tell you there’s at least a 50-50 shot Quade will be Channing Tatum.  Incidentally, Cam Gigandet would make a good Quato.

Yo, girl.  Ya boy C-Tatez got some Philip K. Dick you can play around wit, nah mean?

This is the trailer for The Adjustment Bureau, the directing debut of Bourne Ultimatum and (woof) Ocean’s Twelve screenwriter George Nolfi, starring Matt Damon and Emily Blunt.  We find out Damon is running for Senate, and when he first meets free spirit Emily Blunt on a bus (a Senate candidate? really?), it seems like a normal romantic comedy.  But it’s based on a Philip K. Dick story so you know that’s not true.  Then they bang, but when Damon wakes up in her bed, Terrance Stamp and John Slattery are standing over him looking all Mad Men, to tell him that they “monitor the entire world”, and he’s just f*cked up. Next thing you know, they stop time like Zack Morris to clean the schmutz of some bald guy’s skull, and they tell Damon he can’t bang Emily Blunt anymore or else he’ll never be a Senator and she’ll never become a famous ballerina.

Of course, Matt Damon doesn’t like that idea, because Emily Blunt is super hot, and he wants to get banged again.  And for that, he must unravel the fabric of the entire universe.  “All I have are the choices that I make, and I choose her,” he says.  So then it’s all a big conflict between a chaotic, dangerous world where free will exists, and a world that’s comfortable, but where free will is only an illusion.  Pretty heavy stuff.  But hey, wasn’t this a Baywatch episode?

Kurt Wimmer, the writer of the upcoming Salt as well as the 2002 Christian Bale film Equilibrium, which introduced the world to “gun kata” (see above), has been announced as the writer for the upcoming Total Recall remake.  Neal H. Moritz is developing and producing the remake through his “Original Films” banner, which is so ironic I want to stab a baby.

The original, based on the Philip K. Dick story “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale,” follows a man haunted by a recurring dream of journeying to Mars who buys a literal dream vacation from a company called Rekall Inc., which sells implanted memories. The man comes to believe he is a secret agent and ends up on a Martian colony, where he fights to overthrow a despotic ruler controlling the production of air.  The studio is keeping mum on the new take, simply calling a “contemporized adaptation.” [HollywoodReporter]

And we all know what that means: CGI and sunglasses, homey.  You’d have to be a Philip K. Dicklicker to think this is a good idea.  (*dodges tomato*)

Wimmer says his draft will be ready in “twwwoooooo weeeeeeks….”
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