Author’s rendering. I haven’t seen it, so I just assumed the ass baby looks like Danny Masterson.

My biggest regret of the SXSW festival, other than leaving my credit card in a bar that didn’t open for the next two days, was not being able to catch Milo, a movie starring Party Down‘s Ken Marino, whose actual festival synopsis was “A man discovers that his chronic stomach problems are due to the fact that he has a demon baby living in his colon.” (*sigh*) I know that feel, bro.

Well now you might actually have a chance to see it, as Magnet has acquired the distribution rights.

The sale for MILO was completed late Friday night, making it the last deal to close during this year’s SXSW.
Directed by Jacob Vaughan, written by Vaughan and Benjamin Hayes, Duncan’s (Ken Marino) life is a real pain in the ass.  Tormented by manipulative, crooked boss (Patrick Warburton), a nagging mother (Mary Kay Place), a deadbeat new age dad (Stephen Root), and a sweet, yet pressuring, wife (Gillian Jacobs), his mounting stress starts to trigger an insufferable gastrointestinal reaction.  Out of ideas and at the end of his rope, Duncan seeks the help of a hypnotherapist (Peter Stormare), who helps him discover the root of his unusual stomach pain: a pintsized demon living in his intestine that, triggered by excessive anxiety, forces its way out and slaughters the people who have angered him.  Out of fear that his intestinal gremlin may target its wrath on the wrong person, Duncan attempts to befriend it, naming it Milo and indulging it to keep its seemingly insatiable appetite at bay. [official press release]

Ken Marino, Patrick Warburton, Peter Stormare (aka Karl Hungus), Stephen Root, and Gillian Jacobs is an unstoppable cast. Unfortunately, Magnet has a history of acquiring solid genre movies - Goon, Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie, Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning, Hobo With a Shotgun, the list goes on – that it doesn’t seem like anyone has seen. They’re great at buying up smaller movies that deserve to be seen, but I’m not sure how good they are at actually getting those movies seen. For instance, now would be a great time to release a trailer. It’d be a real shame if the demon baby in Ken Marino’s ass didn’t get some eyeballs on it.

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It was 2009 when we first heard about Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, a film starring Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton, whose plot you can guess from the title. If it was a Michael Bay or Paul WS Anderson production I’d say it sounded like the worst thing ever (and Michael Bay did indeed want to make a gritty Hansel and Gretel movie at one point), but when it’s Will Ferrel and Adam McKay’s production company Gary Sanchez producing a film by Tommy Wirkola (of Død Snø fame), you hope that it’s well-directed satire. Of course, Hollywood has a way of turning a send-up into a straightforward movie about the thing you were trying to send up (The Change-Up, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter). You can decide whether that’s happened with Hansel after the jump. It looks slightly more tongue-in-cheek than Abe Lincoln Vamp Hunter, but not overtly comedic either, and the fact that it’s being dumped into theaters in January seems to indicate that the studio doesn’t think too highly of it. But Karl Hungus gets head butted in it, so there’s that.

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Today we have the trailer for The Last Stand, Korean director Kim Jee-woon’s US directorial debut starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, co-starring Johnny Knoxville, FilmDrunk BFF Jaimie Alexander, and Karl Hungus (Peter Stormare). The best part? I was able to obtain Arnold Schwarzenegger’s exclusive future DVD commentary.

Da screen. It’s green. Vhy is da screen green? Oh, it’s stahting. Okay, now heah you see da poleez men, dey ah blocking da road. Da Poleezman ah blocking da road because da criminal is coming, and da poleezmen, dey don’t want da criminal to get out becuss den dey will get avay. Okay, so now ve see da criminals, and da are carrying da guns, becuss dey want to break trough da barricade dat da poleez haff made. Dey don’t want da poleez men to catch dem, and dey ah breenging gunz becuss dey want to shoot da poleezmen and make dem moof out uf da way so zat dey can break trough it ant get away from dem. Oh, dey ah also vearing masks so dat da poleez men cannot see deir face. …Okay now dey ah shooting. Ouch! …I like da way dey broke trough dem there.

Okay, now heah I am een da dinah, becauz I am retiyahd, and I am telling da man ‘should be a qufiet zeekend,’ because I am retiyahd and dat’s vhat I am expecting da veekend to be like. And heah is me answering da phone. ‘Deah is a situasin,’ he is saying. …And heah I am drifing. I am drifing da… da.. vhat is it called? Da coahvette! Yes. I am drifing da coahvette ant it is spinning… And heah I am, I am gifing my badge to da man. I gif my badge to da man becuss I am about to do somesing crazy. …”Old,” ha ha, dat is funny. An da people ah looking at me like “Who eez dis guy?”

And heah I jump off da beelding. I am jumping off da beelding but I use da bad guy for da cooshin. Ow! And heah I am shooting… Pretty much da whole rest of dis I am shooting.

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