So I was in the middle of pissing my pants laughing at this overly-earnest video from Lacrosse Playground (“Don’t Be a LAX Bro”) urging lacrosse bros to not be so bro-y — sample quote: “I love this game more than anything in the world. It’s been the most important thing in my life. (*points at netty stick thingy*) This is the key. This is the instrument. This is my paintbrush.  You guys have an opportunity, and it starts in here. (*points at heart*)” — when all of a sudden, PETER DANTE SHOWS UP!

You may remember Peter Dante as Adam Sandler’s buddy who we last saw inexplicably donning different outfits, urging us to see Bucky Larson in a series of relentless TV spots on Comedy Central. He’s in virtually every Sandler movie and features prominently in Burnsy’s guide to Happy Madison. I didn’t know he was into lacrosse, but if I was any less surprised the news, my face would turn into an actual line-mouth emoticon :-|

DANTE: “We are all a brotherhood, we are all a family. We do not like the term ‘lacrosse bro.’ Lacrosse bro is a kid who is not respectful. A kid who’s mouthy, a kid who doesn’t listen, a kid who is an individual. You’re a part of that fraternal order because you’re a team.”

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Steven Soderbergh’s Contagion led all others at the box office over the weekend, knocking off The Help for the first time in three weeks, proving that the only thing America loves more than a hot white chick curing racism (THAT MAID’S CHANGIN’ YER LAAHFE) is watching Gwyneth Paltrow succumb to a mysterious disease (check out the new goop.com newsletter for the latest in designer rubber gloves and shabby chic sneeze guards).

Meanwhile, proving that no one listens to Peter Dante, no one went to see Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, despite all his advice to the contrary. The Happy Madison product opened all the way down at number fifteen, with  $1.45 million. That was less than half of Happy Madison’s previous lows, Strange Wilderness and Grandma’s Boy (the latter of which was actually pretty decent, strangely). But it wasn’t ALL bad news, as Bucky Larson is currently tracking 0% on rottentomatoes.

FUN FACT: The average showing of Bucky Larson had slightly more than eight people. You could get more people to a fake funeral.

It’s a shame, because I always thought Nick Swardson was the funniest one in that crew. But also not a shame, because Bucky Larson looked like a Mexican sitcom (and not in a good way, where all of the women have preposterously ample cleavage). If Jack and Jill does this poorly when it opens in November, maybe Sandler can finally stop with this lowest common denominator experiment and get back to making comedy. I know, I know, I’m totally that YOU’VE CHANGED, BRO guy. But even conceding that I was thirteen at the time, I refuse to believe that “The Buffoon Meets the Dean of Admissions” wasn’t a watershed moment in comedy. “I LOOKED AT MY ASSH*LE IN THE MIRROR TODAY,” is my generation’s “Who’s On First.” I remember where I was the first time I heard “MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG HAS A FOUR-INCH CLIT” like it was the goddamned Kennedy assassination.

(full top 10 after the jump)

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At some point today, people are going to spend actual American currency to see Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, and the soul of cinema will die a little more. The film is the latest offering from Happy Madison, which is Adam Sandler’s production company, or as it is better known – his friends’ ATM machine. In fact, it’s quite fitting that Sandler’s next cash cow, starring Nick Swardson as the titular character, will be released on his 44th birthday. “Happy birthday,” his friends will yell as they put their new Bentley keys in their pockets.

I’m sure by now that you’ve seen the non-stop barrage of commercials for Bucky Larson, and I assume that because they have been scorched into my brain because of their needlessly obnoxious delivery. The movie itself looks like standard Happy Madison fare, but for some reason the commercials have Peter Dante – more on him later – yelling at us about why we should see the film like we are complete morons. I honestly can’t decide whether I’m more annoyed or fascinated by the commercials.

What is the point of Dante yelling terrible jokes at us? Is he portraying his character in the film? Are we supposed to know this? Better yet, are we supposed to know who he is? I decided to answer that last question myself, as well as the question “Who the hell are these guys and why should we accept them as comedy stars?”

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