(Rihanna prepares for another game of ‘Smell the Glove’)

I was browsing my favorite internet website RihannaDaily this morning when I came across these first pictures of Rihanna on the set of Peter Berg’s Battleship.  Casting Rihanna as a Navy seawoman in a board-game-based movie about a naval battle with aliens seemed like a weird choice (as did moving forward with this whole board-game idea in the first place), but now that I’ve seen the pictures, she definitely looks the part.  Her transformation is breathtaking, really.  You’d never guess she was actually a famous pop star and not no-nonsense sailor lady.  I mean, the camouflage, the forearm tattoos… incredible.

“Okay, team, so what do we know about sailors?”

“Hmm, they swear a lot?”

“Good, but…”

“Oooh, I know– they have tattoos of anchors on their forearms.”

“Yes!  That’s good…”

“And they’re always eating spinach and getting into fights!”

“Right!”

“I was thinking… could she also smoke a corn cob pip?”

“That’s great stuff, Trent, really great.  Nice work, gang.  Should we call out for sushi?”

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: What board game would make the best movie?

(The part of Llama Worm will be played by Drama Llama)

I haven’t read Dune, the best-selling sci-fi novel, or seen the infamous, 1984 David Lynch flop based on it.  I gather it involves giant worms from the future?  Anyway, originally-slated director Peter Berg is off directing a movie about Battleships from space (no, really), so Paramount has hired Pierre Morel (Taken, District B-13, From Paris with Bazooka John).

- Paramount is currently looking for a new writer to incorporate Morel’s vision of the project into the original draft by Quantum of Solace scribe Josh Zetumer. Morel plans to make a very faithful adaptation of the 1965 book by Frank Herbert. [EW]
- Morel is a long-time fan who brought his well-worn copy of the novel with him to meetings at Paramount, sources said. [Variety via GammaSquad]

Yeah, so I don’t really know anything about this project.  Is it anything like Tremors?  That would be cool.

(Fun for the whole family while the women do the dishes)

In the new Hollywood, where projects get greenlit based on corporate partnerships and licensing opportunities, the fun part is watching people try to tell a story where the jumping off point is a board game, and the goal is a story so meaningless it couldn’t possibly offend anyone.  Hasbro and Universal are partnering on a film based on Battleship.  Of course, Battleship the game was about ships fighting each other.  But who will fight whom??? The good guys, that’s easy, they have to be an international coalition, like the new G.I. Joe.  But who would they fight?  You can’t sell it to a country you blow up!  Solution?  According to Latino Review… aliens.

Back in Sept it was reported that Universal Pictures is doing a live-action pic based on Hasbro’s naval combat board game “Battleship” with Peter Berg at the helm. Universal already has a set date to release the film on August 5, 2011.

Berg himself has said that the film is a contemporary story of an international five-ship fleet engaged in a very dynamic, violent and intense battle, BUT he didn’t say anything or give any details about the enemy. THAT WAS TILL NOW.

A source has confirmed with me that the enemies will be ALIENS!

You sunk my flying saucer!  Hey, isn’t the whole premise of the game battleships vs. battleships?  Does that mean the aliens will have battleships in this?  And they can look sort of humanoid?  In fact, I think it will save everyone a lot of time if we just make the aliens look like the Japs.

(Battleship: Fun for the whole male family while the women do the dishes.)

Making a movie out of a board game is a pretty lame idea, but now that Peter Berg has officially signed on to direct Battleship, he wants you to focus on the most important part: the battles and the ships.

Berg called the pic “a contemporary story of an international five-ship fleet engaged in a very dynamic, violent and intense battle” — but he would not disclose any details about the enemy force.

For Berg, the picture realizes a passion for ship-bound war stories that he picked up from his naval historian father.  “I’ve been consumed with doing one of these since I tried to convince Tom Rothman at Fox to make a film about John Paul Jones, the founder of the American Navy,” Berg said. “As a kid, I was dragged from Navy museum to museum, and spent so much time on ships, listening to my father talk about the great battles of WWII, I did my high school thesis on the Battle of Midway. When this came up, it didn’t take me long to find a take for a film that is filled with raucous action-packed naval battles.” [Variety]

Wait, high school school’s have theses now?  I bet he just went to some fancy whiteboy school where they call term papers “dissertations” and backpacks “attachés”.  Anyway, I’m excited for this international fleet of ships idea. Especially if each ship represents a different ethnic stereotype, like the characters in Mike Tyson’s Punchout.  Like the Italian admiral could have a uniform with a big open collar with gold medallions and his hair chest showing and he could be like, “Mama mia, you sunk-a my battlesheep!”  And then it’d cut to the British commander calmly smoking a pipe while the other Brits shout “Good show!” and jerk each other off.  Because British people do that.

^{(Fun for the whole family! Wait, check that, fun for men, for women to experience vicariously while they finish the dishes.)}

Transformers was a Hasbro toy, so when a Transformers movie made a bunch of money, Hasbro decided they could apply the same formula for all their toys, even the ones that involved rolling the dice to see how far you could move a piece of fake candy across a piece of cardboard.  The latest Hasbro property to get a film adaptation is Battleship (yes, that Battleship). Hasbro and Universal are reportedly close to a deal with director Peter Berg (The Kingdom, Hancock, Very Bad Things).

While plot details are being kept below deck, the studio is looking to make an epic naval action adventure. [THR]

Of course they are.  I can see it now.. “Fire again!”  “Miss.”  “Damn! The North Koreans must be… traveling diagonally!  Clever bastards!!!”    Haha, but on a serious note, I hope everyone at Hasbro gets cancer.