Battleship (BASED ON THE CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED BOARD GAME!) has a new trailer out, and after watching it, I’ve come up with an awesome new slogan: Battleship — It’s not the SIZE of the ship, it’s the ‘splosions in the ocean! (The motion of the ‘splosion?) No, no, please, you can have that one, free of charge. Really, it’s my pleasure.

Which is to say, yeah, it’s still about alien battleships that jump. But it’s also got Admiral Rihanna (yes, Rihanna plays a naval officer. Yes, Rihanna the singer) dispensing folksy wisdom. “MAH DADDY DUN TOLE ME DA ALIEEN GONE COME BACK ONE DAY! HE SAY WE AIN’T ALONE!” Oh, Magic Negro. What would our action films be without you?

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Click to animate (recommended)

After the jump, it’s the first trailer for Universal’s Battleship, which is loosely based on the board game and reportedly cost $200 million to make. I think it looks amazingly terrible, but then I could be biased because I’ve read the script. It stars the poor man’s Chris Pine, Taylor Kitsch as a cocky young blah blah something something aliens come and Rihanna is there. Liam Neeson reprises his role as Guy Who Likes Paychecks, and Alexander Skarsgård is all “HURRR, I’M HANDSOME.” Also, the aliens have jumping battleships in this one. That’s right, JUMPING BATTLESHIPS. It makes sense, because they’re aliens. Hey, Hollywood, maybe it’d be easier to just tell us which movies AREN’T about alien invasions from now on.

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(Rihanna prepares for another game of ‘Smell the Glove’)

I was browsing my favorite internet website RihannaDaily this morning when I came across these first pictures of Rihanna on the set of Peter Berg’s Battleship.  Casting Rihanna as a Navy seawoman in a board-game-based movie about a naval battle with aliens seemed like a weird choice (as did moving forward with this whole board-game idea in the first place), but now that I’ve seen the pictures, she definitely looks the part.  Her transformation is breathtaking, really.  You’d never guess she was actually a famous pop star and not no-nonsense sailor lady.  I mean, the camouflage, the forearm tattoos… incredible.

“Okay, team, so what do we know about sailors?”

“Hmm, they swear a lot?”

“Good, but…”

“Oooh, I know– they have tattoos of anchors on their forearms.”

“Yes!  That’s good…”

“And they’re always eating spinach and getting into fights!”

“Right!”

“I was thinking… could she also smoke a corn cob pip?”

“That’s great stuff, Trent, really great.  Nice work, gang.  Should we call out for sushi?”

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: What board game would make the best movie?

(The part of Llama Worm will be played by Drama Llama)

I haven’t read Dune, the best-selling sci-fi novel, or seen the infamous, 1984 David Lynch flop based on it.  I gather it involves giant worms from the future?  Anyway, originally-slated director Peter Berg is off directing a movie about Battleships from space (no, really), so Paramount has hired Pierre Morel (Taken, District B-13, From Paris with Bazooka John).

- Paramount is currently looking for a new writer to incorporate Morel’s vision of the project into the original draft by Quantum of Solace scribe Josh Zetumer. Morel plans to make a very faithful adaptation of the 1965 book by Frank Herbert. [EW]
- Morel is a long-time fan who brought his well-worn copy of the novel with him to meetings at Paramount, sources said. [Variety via GammaSquad]

Yeah, so I don’t really know anything about this project.  Is it anything like Tremors?  That would be cool.

(Fun for the whole family while the women do the dishes)

In the new Hollywood, where projects get greenlit based on corporate partnerships and licensing opportunities, the fun part is watching people try to tell a story where the jumping off point is a board game, and the goal is a story so meaningless it couldn’t possibly offend anyone.  Hasbro and Universal are partnering on a film based on Battleship.  Of course, Battleship the game was about ships fighting each other.  But who will fight whom??? The good guys, that’s easy, they have to be an international coalition, like the new G.I. Joe.  But who would they fight?  You can’t sell it to a country you blow up!  Solution?  According to Latino Review… aliens.

Back in Sept it was reported that Universal Pictures is doing a live-action pic based on Hasbro’s naval combat board game “Battleship” with Peter Berg at the helm. Universal already has a set date to release the film on August 5, 2011.

Berg himself has said that the film is a contemporary story of an international five-ship fleet engaged in a very dynamic, violent and intense battle, BUT he didn’t say anything or give any details about the enemy. THAT WAS TILL NOW.

A source has confirmed with me that the enemies will be ALIENS!

You sunk my flying saucer!  Hey, isn’t the whole premise of the game battleships vs. battleships?  Does that mean the aliens will have battleships in this?  And they can look sort of humanoid?  In fact, I think it will save everyone a lot of time if we just make the aliens look like the Japs.