Simply by virtue of having “Zookeeper” in the title, you know your film is going to get picketed by PETA (which I would argue is a great reason for PETA to reevalute their strategy). But PETA says Paul Blart Zookeeper is no laughing matter, and not for the same reasons everyone else does. They’re angry because KEVIN JAMES KILLED A GIRAFFE! Here’s their explanation (completely unbiased, I’m sure) of why they picketed Wednesday’s premiere:

Just a month after PETA wrote to the cast and producers of The Zookeeper [PAUL BLART ZOOKEEPER] to warn them that the company supplying animals for the movie’s production has a long list of USDA citations, we have heartbreaking news to report. Tweet, a giraffe on the set who had also been forced to perform in Ace Ventura and a slew of Toys “R” Us commercials, has died.
Tweet collapsed in his pen while being fed on [September 15th, 2009]. While giraffes in the wild can live into their mid 20s, Tweet was only 18 years old.
The results of Tweet’s necropsy haven’t been released yet, but according to a whistleblower who contacted PETA, Tweet’s premature death may have resulted from his eating pieces of the blue tarp that covered his enclosure. The whistleblower alleges that Tweet’s owner and trainers were notified that the giraffe had been eating the tarp but that they did nothing about it. [PETA]

Shouldn’t it be the giraffe’s choice whether he (OR SHE) wants to eat blue tarp? Slow your roll PETA, you fascists. And anyway, yes, giraffes in the wild may live to 25, but let’s not forget, Tweet was a giraffe child actor. Consuming harmful substances and dying prematurely is just par for course.  18 years is 72% of its expected life span. Lights Camera Jackson should be so lucky.

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If you don’t like Groundhog Day, I’m not sure we can be friends.  That a funny movie was filmed there 17 years ago is literally the only reason to go to Pennsylvania ever, yet PETA wants to dishonor the state’s history.  They say Punxsutawney Phil is being mistreated and want him replaced with a robot.  And yet about my girlfriend they say nothing. Hypocrites.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is requesting a robotic stand-in for the furry favorite. PETA says it’s unfair to keep Phil in captivity and then subject him to huge crowds and bright lights every Feb. 2.
The animal is “being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania,” William Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, said [while casually putting a cigar butt out on a baby's head.] The groundhog is kept in a climate-controlled environment and is inspected annually by the state Department of Agriculture. [NBC Philadelphia]

How does PETA know Phil hates crowds?  Groundhogs are notorious attention whores.  Still, I’d like to see them embrace this robot idea, if only to give the ceremony a modern edge.  Robot groundhog could emerge from his den, and if he sees his shadow, he becomes agitated and destroys the city with lasers from his eyes.  Don’t cry, kids, it’s only Pennsylvania, the oozing, anal fissure of the world.

On the left, we have Mickey Rourke at some sort of leather n’ thongs party, courtesy of Don Chavez.  See, he’s just a regular guy.  I mean, who hasn’t been to one of those?  On the right, his new PETA ad. “When dogs get knocked up, puppies get put down”.  So true.  How many times have I seen a cute little puppy just trying to walk down the street with all the other dogs around it going, “Hey man, we heard your mom’s pregnant.  We always new she was a fat bitch!  Ha, I bet you’re on welfare.  Yeah, way to be on welfare, welfare dog!”  Poor little guy.

Anyway, I’m not sure where I was going with this other than to say that you all better be ready for Mickey Rourke to be a huge star.  I’m all for it, because A. The Wrestler is the best movie I’ve seen this year, and B. Mickey Rourke is roughly 800 billion times more interesting than Will Smith (approximately).

People tell me I have a knack for turning senseless tragedy into vaguely amusing commentary, so who better to bring you the latest on DraculaBearGate?  Anyway, yesterday state officials opened an investigation into the incident, which they say occurred during the filming of a promotional video.

The story’s kind of complicated, but basically the victim, Stephan Miller, worked for a social networking site called ShareNow, and died while shooting a promo video at Predators in Action, a company owned by his cousin Randy that provides animals for use in media, with its headquarters located, awesomely, in Big Bear, California. 

-Stephan Miller died Tuesday after the 7 1/2-foot-tall bear, named Rocky, bit him on the neck.
-An autopsy Thursday found that Stephan Miller died within minutes of neck injuries consistent with a single bite.
-"If the coroner’s report says there’s only one bite, then it follows what the initial report was, which is that the person was bitten, not attacked.”
-"Knowing the bear, taking little nip-type bites with the front teeth, every bear does that," said Joel Almquist, who co-owns an exotic animal santuary called Forever Wild and has himself wrestled Rocky. [AP]

So yeah, in case you missed that, a guy who voluntarily wrestled Dracula Bear admits he could kill when he’s just trying to say hi.  Anyway, the Dept of Industrial Relations will be investigating ShareNow for health and safety violations.

[Company Chairman Nigel] Robertson said he hired Stephan Miller, an expert in Internet startups, 10 months ago to establish online communities and was impressed by his dedication. Miller, the No. 3 man at the fledgling company, would sleep in the office in a sleeping bag and last week tattooed ShareNow’s logo on his arm, Robertson said. He talked often about his passion for exotic animals.

Not sure what the connection is between a passion for exotic animals and a dotcom tattoo on your arm, but I’m guessing it involves having shit for brains. 

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals [of course] provided the news media with copies of federal inspection reports that noted some problems at the site in 2001, 2005 and 2007, but a spokeswoman for the U.S. Department of Agriculture called them "very minor issues" that were quickly corrected.

Examples included water troughs that were frozen over, a worn and stained cutting board for meat preparation and jagged edges on some plywood enclosures.

Don’t laugh, you give a bear some frozen water, a splinter, or an improperly prepared beef slab, and they’re liable to claw your guts out.  I know a lot about bears, because I read Zoobooks.