See what I did there with the headline?  I know, pretty clever, right?

After the jump I’ve got the full trailer for Beer for My Horses, co-written, produced, and starring Toby Keith.  Keith plays a truck-drivin, wigger-batin’, small-town Deputy named… wait for it… Rack Rattlin, paired with an inept partner played by Rodney Carrington.  Get it?  It’s funny because it’s comfortably familiar!

Braindead dipshits like Toby Keith are nothing if not predictable, so the antagonists are naturally Mexicans.   Go git ‘em, Toby, they took yer jobs!  Of course, hijinks ensue and Toby makes sure to act real tough in the hopes that maybe people will forget his name’s Toby. I can’t wait!

Comedian Michael Ian Black has a book out, and to publicize it, he challenged Tucker Max (pictured) to a fight.  Max wrote the best selling I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, the movie adaptation of which is currently in production in Louisiana.  Black doesn’t sound serious, but Tucker accepted the challenge anyway. I really hope they fight, because the advice my dad gave me on his deathbed was that saying you’re going to fight and then not actually fighting is what queers do.  Black’s challenge:

So Tucker Max, you drunk, misogynistic motherfucker – I am officially calling you OUT! I am going to fist fuck every hole in your boozy little body until you crawl away like the sniveling little bitch that you are. YOU’RE DEAD!

Max’s response:

I’m completely serious. I’d LOVE to fight you.  I’ll even promise to show up drunk as shit. I’ll drink an unreasonable amount of alcohol before we fight–20 beers, 30 beers, whatever it takes to me plastered. And if you don’t think I’m drunk enough, I’ll keep drinking. As long as I am conscious and able to stand on my feet, I’ll fight you.  And here’s the kicker: If you beat me, I’ll give you the next royalty check from my book.  It should be about 150k, give or take agent fees and other things. I am completely serious.

Black’s response to Tucker’s response:

So Tucker Max has officially accepted my challenge to a fight. Good. That was the easy part. The hard part? Deciding exactly how I am going to rearrange his face. Will I pluck out an eye and stuff it up his nostril? Will I make him choke down his own tongue until he throws it up and then sit on his head and force him to lap up his own puke like a bad little puppy? Or will I simply knock out his teeth and then use them as Chinese death stars which I will then throw into his black heart? I just do not know. But I do know this: Tucker Max is going down. How do I know this? Because Tucker may have the athleticism, the muscles, the fighting skills, the experience, the guts, and the heart. But I have something he will NEVER have – I’m not sure what that is, but if I think about it long enough I will probably come up with something. I might be better at Scrabble, for example. (I also have one of the original pets.com sock puppets, which I’m sure he doesn’t have, and will never have, but I don’t think that will help me in the fight.)

This isn’t going to happen.  Which sucks, because when I write a book, I will definitely fight Tucker Max.  Or Michael Ian Black.  Or a homeless person. Or a scarecrow stuffed with chickens. I’m completely serious.  Really, I just like to punch things. 

Five major studios today announced the decision to include anti-smoking PSAs in youth-rated films that include tobacco use.  Governor Schwarzenegger is scheduled to deliver the official announcement later today at a press conference entitled "I Have Nothing Better to Do."

"It is historic, the fact that all the studios want to make sure there is appropriate messaging where smoking is depicted," said [a fucking liar], reached by phone on Thursday. "It really helps diminish the role of the cigarette in film."
PSAs will be shown before the DVDs of such movies as "The Incredible Hulk," "21," "Leatherheads" and "American Teen," all of which have scenes of smoking. The public service announcements that will appear were made under the direction of the state’s Tobacco Control Program, and the PSAs will direct viewers to the website TobaccoFreeCa.com, where they can get information on quitting.

See, all you have to do to keep kids from smoking is tell them how bad it is for them and include warnings wherever cigarettes are.  And what better place to deliver the message than sandwiched between some FBI warnings that I can’t fast-forward through?  FUCK, WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THIS EARLIER. It’s almost… too easy.

But some health advocates are pressing for even more stringent guidelines and have been ever more critical of summer blockbusters that feature characters who puff away. The American Medical Assn. Alliance last month complained of "unnecessary smoking" in "Hulk," in which a villain played by William Hurt is almost always shown with a cigar, and have called for an R rating on any film with "irresponsible or gratuitous tobacco images." Universal, which distributed the pic, said that it put a parental advisory in ad materials. [Variety]

WHY MUST HOLLYWOOD CONTINUE TO GLAMORIZE SMOKING BY ASSOCIATING IT WITH STODGY OLD VILLAINS??? CURSE YOU, MOVIE DEVILS!

In related news, Disney announced plans to include with High School Musical PSAs warning the dangers of smoking pole.  (May cause jazz hands)

As I’ve said before, aside from Pixar, pretty much everyone who makes kids’ movies should be summarily executed.  On that note, here’s your first look at Ace Ventura 3, in which a young Ace heroically saves the world from leftovers.  You going to finish that?  Allllriiighty then.

Filmz.ru also has a bunch of tiny posters. I think my favorite is this one.

[Moviehole via /Film]

The official poster for Disaster Movie (trailer here) has hit the web, and what a surprise!  It’s just a bunch of pop-culture references hastily slapped together!  I bet no one saw that coming!

My favorite part is the midget Indiana Jones.  Damn, these guys are clever.  But… wait, where have I seen that before?  Oh that’s right, UWE BOLL DID IT.  YOU STOLE FROM UWE BOLL.  I hope you’re happy Seltzer/Friedberg, because literally everyone else in the entire world wishes you were dead.