Over the weekend, ABC proved that the only thing lamer than the idea of making a movie out of the Prince of Persia video game is listening to Jerry Bruckheimer talk about making a movie out of the Prince of Persia video game.  Partial transcript:

ABC: “You mentioned Jake Gyllenhaal, who’s one of Hollywood’s hot young actors.  What does he bring to the role.”
SUCKHEIMER: “Well, he’s very handsome.  And he’s in fantastic shape.  He got in great shape for this movie.  And he’s a brilliant actor, which is really what it’s all about.”

Hmm, what it’s all about, you say.  And yet he makes the acting part sound like an after thought.  ‘Tis curious, no?  I’m going to do some Freudian math on the Jerry Bruckheimer movie casting checklist, in order of importance:

1. Is Nic Cage available?  If no, then…
2. Hotness
3. Wig-wearing
4-10. Abs
11. Swordfighting
12. Rap
13. Acting talent

This is the trailer for Jerry Bruckheimer’s kid movie G-Force.  It went 18 seconds before a product placement, 28 before pointlessly pimping a pop song out of context, and had only two poop jokes and one fart sound effect.  Impressive, Jerry, I know how much restraint that took.
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Some clever fellow named Adam Slutsky (a Polish guy with “slut” in his name… too… many… jokes… system overload… does anyone else smell burnt toast? Klafs;jkadfsjkladfskl….) cleverly decided to turn this Vote or Die PSA into a PSA about not seeing Nic Cage movies.

I liked Face Off.  Then again, I didn’t go to college.
Nic Cage was a legend.  That was old school, good Nic Cage.  Then he decided to keep existing.  I wasn’t for it.  I wasn’t like, “Yeah, let’s keep him alive.”

How dare you sons of bitches insult Papa Bear!  Do you have any idea what my life would be like if they’d never made Wicker Man? Do you, huh??  I demand a written apology immediately, or I will fight you all!  And these guns don’t shoot blanks.  They fire missiles.  Sex missiles.

[Thanks to RoboPanda for the tip]

Not only are Seltzer-Friedberg’s movies worse than cancer, now they’re insulting New Orleans or some shit. Because some people think releasing a film called Disaster Movie on the third anniversary of Hurricane Katrina is in poor taste. Writes Nikki Finke:

The studio that has hawked torture porn for years has now decided to make a buck off the suffering of hundreds of thousands of people, and on the eve of another terrible storm about to strike the Gulf states. “Around these Katrina-scarred parts, Aug. 29 is still — and will be for some time — a black-armband kind of day,” criticized Mike Scott, the movie writer for the local newspaper The Times-Picayune.

Well that’s enough for me. Burn the witches, burn them! I’ll bring the marshmallows! Meanwhile, Lionsgate of course pleads unfortunate coincidence.

“The film does not depict or parody any actual natural disaster, and the release date of ‘Disaster Movie’ is in no way a reference to or joke about the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina,” read a studio statement prepared for The Times-Picayune.

Hold on, Mr. Obvious is shoving me out of the way, he wants to type something – Hey. Why the f-ck did you name the movie Disaster Movie if it has nothing to do with disasters? Okay, I’m back. Getting your feathers ruffled about the name of a stupid movie seems a little silly, but if it means something bad happening to Seltzer-Friedberg, it’s hard to argue with the outcome. It’s kind of like that scene in Schindler’s List where the Nazis make the Jews run around the track naked. On the one hand, that was a really mean thing to do. On the other hand, titties!

Probably no one gives a crap, but Uwe Boll’s Postal came out on DVD last week. They sent me a copy and I tried to watch it intending to write a review, but I only made it through about 30 minutes. The cover describes it as “Disgusting. Offensive. Stupid.”, and really it’s only the third one. Even the most “outrageous” comedy has to bear some semblance to life on Earth or actual human interaction, otherwise it’s just… a waste of time. Postal is like that. It’s pure camp, a big, fluffy nothing of a movie. Not nearly as loathsome as the Meet the Spartans guys, just kind of lame. Anyway, now you can see what I’m talking about after the jump.

I was, however, impressed with Dave Foley’s gratuitous full-frontal scene. You’re a braver man than I, sir Foley.
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