Kevin Smith’s Red State premieres at Sundance this week, and although the trailer‘s pretty vague, the plot apparently deals with a Fred-Phelps-like character.  Naturally that was more than enough to make those hate-baitin’ publicity lovers at the Westboro Baptist “Church” say to themselves, “Wait, someone’s talking about us?  GAS UP THE HATEMOBILE!  Now which way is that camera?  GRR, JESUS TOLD ME TO EAT A BLACK BABY, NOM NOM NOM!”

The Westboro Baptist Church, based in Topeka, Kan., plans to hold the two pickets on Sunday, during the busy opening weekend of Sundance. The first is slated from 2:45 p.m. until 3:30 p.m. while the second one, planned to last 30 minutes, is scheduled to start at 6 p.m. Both will be held outside the Eccles Center, the site of the premiere of Smith’s film “Red State.”

Shirley Phelps-Roper, a Westboro Baptist Church attorney and a member of the church, said in a Tuesday interview seven people from the church plan to participate in the Park City pickets.

Holy sh_t, seven people?? That’s almost enough to play touch rugby.  (Which they would never do because it’s so blasphemously gay).  I’m sure Kevin Smith’s 1.7 million Twitter followers will have nothing to say about that.

“It’s all vanity. Empty, worthless nothing,” Phelps-Roper said about Hollywood, speaking about what she described as the broken moral compass in the United States. “The actors, directors, producers and fans of the doomed American motion picture industry celebrate the nation-destroying sin of sodomy with all their might.” [ParkCityRecord]

Lady, I’ll show you celebrating sodomy with all my might.  (*hip thrusts hard as I can, breeze blows cat off coffee table*)

Anyway, calling Hollywood blasphemous is pretty tame (not to mention unoriginal) for a group that protests soldier funerals and little girls who died in spree shootings.  What is their plan, exactly, anyway?  “Hey, I know, we’ll show up at all the worst things in the world and take credit for them in the name of God!  People are sure to obey him once they know he’s a hateful homophobe who shoots little girls!”

It’s like their idea of God is a Schwarzenegger villain.  “I don’t know it doesn’t make any sense, but if we don’t do what he says, he’s gonna stab a puppy in the face!”

Clint Howard is looking better

Fresh off his awesome-looking Auschwitz movie, which in turn followed quickly on the heels of his brilliant-looking Darfur movie with a misspelled trailer starring Billy Zane (side note: it’s almost as if he’s not taking much time on these), Uwe Boll is going back to intentional comedy with Blubberella.  It’s about a fat superhero and co-stars Clint Howard, much like my bizarro-world sex fantasies.  Twitch discovered the project in the American Film Market listings:

…by my count at least his third directorial effort of the year along with Bloodrayne: The Third Reich and Auschwitz. This one? Horror comedy Blubberella. The pitch?

The first female fat superhero … She will kick major ass – with her major ass …

All the BLOODRAYNE fans will love that movie!

All the Bloodrayne fans?  Why stop there, why not every dyslexic eskimo in Green Bay?

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Noooooooooo!

We haven’t talked about him in a while, but to refresh your memory, Uwe Boll is the angry German film director who not too long ago inspired an online petition to stop him from making movies.  While I thought it was kind of mean for people to pile on like that (though my offer to fight him still stands), it’s certainly true that Uwe Boll’s movies do suck.  That’s why I’m excited to see him tackle the subject of the Holocaust in his new film, Auschwitz, which promises to be the most awesomely tasteless thing since something something Mel Gibson.

The teaser is after the jump, and it features, yes, Uwe Boll himself playing an SS officer standing guard outside a room as Jews are gassed and their bodies fed into an oven (had you heard? they did the gassing and the burning in the same room).  It sort of reminds me of something something party at Mel Gibson’s house.

“It’s in the tradition of my movies Stoic, Darfur, Rampage, Tunnelrats, Heart of America…it shows Auschwitz as this what it was: a meatplant for humans…a death factory.” [Twitch]

Well sure, who could forget those movies that I’ve never heard of?  Wait, wait, something’s coming back to me… Oh right, Darfur. That was the one starring Billy Zane with the typo in the trailer, right?  I remember now.  Anyway, my favorite part of the teaser is the “NEVER FORGET” title card, as if with the 200 holocaust movies that come out every year it was about to slip our minds until the dude from Bloodrayne came along.  I mean, come on!  That SS guard didn’t even look dyslexic. Where is the art?!

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Over the weekend, ABC proved that the only thing lamer than the idea of making a movie out of the Prince of Persia video game is listening to Jerry Bruckheimer talk about making a movie out of the Prince of Persia video game.  Partial transcript:

ABC: “You mentioned Jake Gyllenhaal, who’s one of Hollywood’s hot young actors.  What does he bring to the role.”
SUCKHEIMER: “Well, he’s very handsome.  And he’s in fantastic shape.  He got in great shape for this movie.  And he’s a brilliant actor, which is really what it’s all about.”

Hmm, what it’s all about, you say.  And yet he makes the acting part sound like an after thought.  ‘Tis curious, no?  I’m going to do some Freudian math on the Jerry Bruckheimer movie casting checklist, in order of importance:

1. Is Nic Cage available?  If no, then…
2. Hotness
3. Wig-wearing
4-10. Abs
11. Swordfighting
12. Rap
13. Acting talent

This is the trailer for Jerry Bruckheimer’s kid movie G-Force.  It went 18 seconds before a product placement, 28 before pointlessly pimping a pop song out of context, and had only two poop jokes and one fart sound effect.  Impressive, Jerry, I know how much restraint that took.
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