This is the final theatrical trailer for Rob Marshall’s Nine, exhorting you one last time to “be Italian” before its release on Christmas Day.  Luckily I’m already Italian, so I can grab my crotch and tell this trailer to “get lost” while thanking God I don’t have to post any more trailers about a guy who’s so cool that he’s “wearin’ shades in the middle of the night.”  If wearin sunglasses at night is cool, peeing your pants is Miles Davis.  Wait, what?

Anyway, it looks like there might be a good movie in there somewhere, but that music makes me want to cut off my ears and eat them.

Nine times out of ten when a person is offended by something, it’s because he or she is an idiot.  Moral outrage = not enough oxygen in the womb.  Sorry, folks, it’s just science.  But then this poster for Rob Marshall’s Nine came out, and I thought hey, why should stupid people have all the fun?  I want to be the aggrieved party for once.  So, as an Italian-American, I’d like to formally express my moral outrage at having Nine use the tagline “Be Italian.”  What is that supposed to mean?  Is this how you see us?  What an unfair stereotype.  You think we all just run around singing cheesy-ass songs and shooting movies that make perfume ads look subtle by comparison?  Screw you, buddy, you can’t just go around making sweeping generalizations like that, this isn’t Mexico.

I went ahead and made a poster that better reflects the diverse nature of real Italians.  I used an ancient symbol of national pride, Italian Anteater.

[via Cinematical, Yahoo]

Rob Marshall (Chicago) directed Nine, a musical about Fellini‘s 8 1/2, and though it doesn’t open until Christmas, it feels like I’ve been hearing Oscar buzz about this for three months now.  Granted, I hate musicals*.  It’s not a knee-jerk jock thing, I just don’t understand the impulse.  You’re telling someone a story and all of a sudden you decide to break into song?  That’s what homeless people do.  But even given it’s not my cup of tea, what the hell is this?  Really, Kate Hudson singing a song on a catwalk, that’s your Oscar pick?   Does this not feel like a commercial to anyone else?  You can try to sexy it up all you want, but I kept expecting Maria Sharapova’s dog to show up.  Oh Daniel Day-Lewis, first a bum foot, now jazz hands.  Will you ever stop faking disabilities for attention? Keep this up and we might have to date.

*Singin’ in the Rain gets a pass

[via Yahoo]

Hey, Hollywood, just because Hugh Jackman said “the musical is back!” about 1000 times at the Oscars doesn’t mean you had to run out and make a musical.  No one takes Hugh seriously, he just really likes to dance.  And even if I wanted to see people sing and dance, I could just watch… EVERY GD SHOW ON TV.  Anyway, this one’s called Nine, from Chicago director Rob Marshall, it’s a musical based on Fellini’s 8 1/2.

“NINE” follows the life of world famous film director Guido Contini (Daniel Day-Lewis) as he reaches a creative and personal crisis of epic proportion, while balancing the numerous women in his life including his wife (Marion Cotillard), his mistress (Penelope Cruz), his film star muse (Nicole Kidman), his confidant and costume designer (Judi Dench), an American fashion journalist (Kate Hudson), the whore from his youth (Fergie) and his mother (Sophia Loren). [Apple]

Sometimes me and the whore from my youth like to take paddleboats out on the pond, other times we play badminton, or ride a bicycle built for two.

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^{Penelope Cruz practicing her Sean Young impression}

After the jump, watch the trailer for Pedro Almodóvar’s (Volver, Talk to Her) next film, Los Abrazos Rotos (Broken Embraces).

Broken Embraces is described as a four-way tale of amour-fou [crazy love, basically], shot in the style of ’50s American film noir at its most hard-boiled, and will mix references to works like Nicholas Ray’s “In a Lonely Place” and Vincente Minnelli’s “The Bad and the Beautiful,” with signature Almodóvar themes such as Fate, the mystery of creation, guilt, unscrupulous power, the eternal search of fathers for sons, and sons for fathers. [RopeofSilicon]

In other news, Zac Efron and Jonathan Rhys Meyers have just signed on for the sequel, Los Abrazos Jotos.  (That’s right, I can make gay jokes in multiple languages.  Call me ladies.)

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