Hey, girl, stop playing koi

Get excited, folks, we’ve got a new trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean 4, aka On Stranger Tides, in theaters May 20th. The Pirates of the Carribbean ride at Disneyland always scared the crap out of me as a kid (GRR, DUNGEONS AND WHORES), and throughout this entire franchise, I’d been hoping that they’d make the movie version a little more about that sense of seedy pirate realism and a little less… uh… gay.  It looks like Disney has finally answered my prayers and gone less camp this time around. And by that I mean they hired the director of Chicago for a story about how Jack Sparrow has to sacrifice a mermaid to the fountain of youth to lift an ancient curse. (*sigh*) (*hook-hand dismissive wank*)

[Trailer after the jump, some of the mermaids below, including my new girlfriend, Astrid Berges-Frisbey.]

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In almost a mirror image of the infamous “Sad Keanu” picture that set the internet on fire this year, Keanu Reeves’ Matrix co-star Laurence Fishburne was recently spotted looking equally sad, as if he’d just found out someone wrote a rap song about filling his daughter’s vagina with farts. Hey, who hasn’t been there?

Anyway, here’s your obligatory Photoshop:

"Neo, take the blue pill. It's Paxil."

Elsewhere in bored-looking people news, SlashFilm broke a new publicity still from Paul WS Anderson’s (aka Sh*tty Paul Anderson) upcoming three-dimensional take on Three Musketeers.  ALL FOR GAME-CHANGING AND GAME-CHANGING FOR ALL! (*3D glasses*)

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Vinnie’s Playgirl shoot is running longer than expected today, so I thought I’d take a second to make your lives better with the new teaser trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides, because I know that’s what you’ve been praying for all day. Here’s the thing – I know most of us Drunkards don’t quite care for the Pirates films (well, obviously the pornos, but I digress) but this one has Ian McShane in it as Captain Blackbeard. And I checked my Man Rules book and sure enough – Chapter 37: If It Has Ian McShane It Might Not Suck.

It also has sexy mermaids, unsexy zombies and Penelope Cruz yelling things in some sort of ancient language. Is that Egyptian? Mayan? Swahili? We may never know.

Interesting side note: “There’s the jack I know” is what I yell at climax.

Trailer after the jump…

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USA Today just released the first picture of Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, and boy is it exciting.  Here I’ve been dying to know what Penelope Cruz would look like in Party City’s least revealing Adult Halloween costume.

On a blustery gray morning in the Painted Hall of the Old Royal Naval College, Johnny Depp’s seafarer is being dragged forward by guards for an audience with King George II (Richard Griffiths), who wants him to seek the Fountain of Youth.
The king has already recruited Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) to join the mission, meaning Sparrow’s old nemesis has gone corporate, 1750s-century style.
The proposal goes badly, as expected.
Along the road to the Fountain of Youth, Sparrow will meet a friendly mermaid (Astrid Berges-Frisbey) and be tempted by a wicked former flame (Penelope Cruz) and her sadistic father, Blackbeard (Ian McShane) — but there will be no Will and Elizabeth (Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley). [USA Today]

No Orlando Bloom?  NO ORLANDO BLOOM??!?  This is a travesty.  Why, thy very name is synonymous with excitement and intrigue.
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Quick, wake up your little brother, because I’ve got the most awkward DVD cover to show him! No, your one good eye is not deceiving you, that is, in fact, Penélope Cruz and Friendo Bardem dry humping like 9th graders on the above cover to 1994′s Jámon, Jámon. Cruz is only about 20-years-old in this movie and somebody better cock punch me quickly, because every time I look at her The Penguin’s Earth Angel starts playing out of my penis. The cover even proudly boasts that this is the “Film Where Women Eat Men & Men Eat Ham”, which I have no idea what that means, but I’ll bet dollars-to-donuts in Spanish it sounds sultry as sh*t.

Jose Luis is an executive at his parents underwear factory where his girlfriend Sylvia works on the shop floor. When Sylvia falls pregnant, Jose Luis promises her that he will marry her, most likely against the wishes of his parents. Jose Luis’ mother is determined to break her son’s engagement to a girl from a lower-class family, and hires Raul, a potential underwear model and would-be bullfighter to seduce Sylvia. [IMDB]

Hmmm, reminds me of the time my mother didn’t want me to marry that Mormon girl. I kept insisting that the Church would keep me out of trouble, but noooooo she had to still go ahead and hire that hooker from the docks to take me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

So sit back, undo those acid washed jeans and prepare for the sizzling passion that is Spanish cinema…
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