(“Michelle Rodriguez hate engine.  Rock smash?”)

You meat-and-potatoes types might want to leave the room because I’m sure this next story will be of interest only to the tortured intellectuals.  Okay, anyway, now that I’ve distracted you from that philosophy text, I can report that Tyrese Gibson was recently on Twitter (where he lives), when he let slip, in between the usual flood of excessive exclamation points, THAT DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON WOULD BE APPEARING IN 5 FA5T 5 FURIOU5!  Like, OMG!!!!

Major shouts to Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, & Dewayne “Rock” Johnson!! “Fast & Furious Five” Let’s get em again!! [source]

Collider confirms:

Our sources can confirm the casting, so expect an official announcement soon.  Johnson and Gibson will join franchise leads Paul Walker and Vin Diesel for the sequel, which will shoot this summer in Brazil, Rio, and Puerto Rico among other locations; Johnson’s character is rumored to be “on the right side of the law.”

Suits might be upset with Tyrese, since The Rock’s casting hadn’t been leaked before that, but according to Tyrese’s wikipedia page, he’s an R & B singer, songwriter, rapper, actor, model, and former MTV VJ, and a sextuple threat like that pretty much makes his own rules (also, he named his alter ego “Black Ty”).  The big surprise for me was that it took the Fast and Furious franchise five movies to cast a former WWE wrestler.  And beyond that, they even landed the most famous one.  Good for them.  To be honest, before I heard this, my money would’ve been on Dave Batista.

(The director’s toughest task was training Michelle Rod not to bark at the engines)

Paul Walker and Vin Diesel have both reached that point in their careers when they give up on concept albums and just re-release a greatest hits record.  Both have signed on for a fifth, that’s right five, count it one hand, everyone but Shia, Fast and Furious movie.  It reteams them with director Justin Lin and probably earns them a nice paycheck, given that Fast and Furious was Universal’s top-grossing movie of 2009.   This one will be called Fast Five, and is said to involve Dom and Brian “as fugitives being pursued by relentless lawmen.”

I think a good plot would be that the government are after Brian because they want to do experiments on his beautiful, motionless face and use his blood as some kind of Botox competitor and Dom has to protect him like E.T.

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: What’s the greatest car movie of all time?

At ease, sailors. I’ve got just the thing to brighten up a dreary, borderline suicidal Monday. That’s right, it’s the new international trailer for Takers.  Ever wondered what would happen if you remade Ocean’s 11 in the style of The Fast and the Furious and replaced George Clooney with Paul Walker?  You probably haven’t, but still. Takers may star Chris Brown, Hayden Christensen, and that other black guy.  I’m so excited about this that I’m putting a cup of coffee in the microwave and setting the timer to the time between now and when tickets for this go on sale, that way when it’s finally time, the coffee will be really hot, and I can pour it on my crotch so I know I’m not dreaming. I can’t wait.

True story: Paul Walker has a dwarf inside him controlling his movements with pulleys and levers. They say his reaction speed is really improving.

(“Aw yeah, how you like my Photoshop, playa?”)

_{Car wheelies are the money shots of car porn}

Grease up your gearshift, sailor, because I’ve got a brand new 4 Fast 4 Furious clip after the jump.  This one focuses mainly on… uh… the GPS system?  Seriously, this sh-t is weird.  I’d be all for a stupid movie about cars and car racing, but this isn’t even well made.  70% of this clip is made up of shots of Vin Diesel and Paul Walker looking constipated or closeups of their feet pressing the pedals or their hands shifting.  So exciting!  And the one crash they do show looks like it was filmed at about 10 miles per hour. Reached for comment, director Justin Lin said, “Don’t screech the tires! I have to take those back to Costco later!”
Read the rest of this entry »

_{Dude, look. Craft services finally got those handi-snaks I asked for.}

At a recent 4 Fast 4 Furious press junket, Paul Walker was asked about the possibility of a sequel. Because really, what else are you gonna ask at a Fast and Furious press junket.  “So… what was it like working with… cars?”  Said Walker:

“I’ve heard it in the rumor mill. I’ve spoken with executives at Universal at this point and they’re pretty serious about it. They’re developing it. They know where they want it to take place. They want to do it in Europe.”

[Asked if he'd want to be involved} "I don’t know. I’d really want to put time into it. I don’t think it’d be too hard to make the best one yet [Editor's Note: Because we're barely half-assing it now.]. I don’t think the best one has been made yet. If we were to go make a 5th one it would be the best one. Otherwise let’s not do it.” [collider]

Aw, isn’t it cute how handsome movie stars think you automatically get five chances to do something right? Nah, hold up, dude, one more take.  I think I can get my face to move this time.