"COME AT ME, BRO! I DARE YOU TO KISS ME!"

As a writer of Vin Diesel fan-fiction, it’s very important for me to stay abreast of all diesel happenings in the world of Vin Diesel, and this one’s a doozy. While he waits to see if Fast Five will indeed get that Oscar nod he believes it so richly deserves, Diesel spoke to the Hollywood Reporter for their “Rulebreakers 2011″ feature. No word on what rule he broke, but I’m going to assume socks with sandals. There, he told reporters that plans for 6 Fast 6 Furious just naturally turned into plans to shoot it back to back with 7ast and 7urious, because the story just couldn’t be contained, much like The Rock’s shiny biceps in that rashguard.

With the success of this last one, and the inclusion of so many characters, and the broadening of scope, when we were sitting down to figure out what would fit into the real estate of number six, we didn’t have enough space,” Diesel told THR
Apart from reuniting supporting characters from previous movies, it added star power in the form of Dwayne Johnson. A coda at the end of the movie teases the return of a character played by Eva Mendes last seen in 2 Fast 2 Furious as well as the return of Michelle Rodriguez.
“We have to pay off this story, we have to service all of these character relationships, and when we started mapping all that out it just went beyond 110 pages,” Diesel explained. “The studio said, ‘You can’t fit all that story in one damn movie!’”

IT’S TOO MUCH DIESEL, CAPTAIN! THE REACTOR WON’T HOLD! THIS IS A LONGSHOT, BUT MAYBE IF WE REVERSE THE POLARITY, IT COULD NEUTRALIZE THE HOMOEROTICISM! IT’S OUR ONLY HOPE! (*chugs Red Bull*)

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I don't even know dude, I was tired.

Just a month ago, indie financier/heiress Megan Ellison acquired the rights to the Terminator franchise with plans to produce a new film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger from Fast Five director Justin Lin. At the time, Deadline estimated she paid as much as $20 million for it.  Of course, that was before we found out Arnold had been indiscriminately jizzing on poor people for more than a decade. His subsequent movie hiatus puts the project in a bit of a bind, considering Arnold was the only thing people were even remotely interested in, to the point they were willing to consider the possibility that Skynet was producing old, flabby cyborgs.  But Megan Ellison’s already into this thing for 20 large, so it would seem a movie has to happen. WhatsPlaying’s “HollywoodInsider” thinks they know what that might look like (and it’s not good):

While Schwarzenegger may not be yet ready to return to film, considering recent events, and has temporarily put his Terminator reprise on hold, Ellison and are still keen to get going on the movie. What may happen, I’m told, is the creative crew might lessen Schwarzenegger’s screentime in this movie, so it’s less work and less of a commitment for him and thus, it’ll be easier to talk the big guy into doing something this year.

From the sounds of things, the big guy does have a fairly substantial role in the new story – which is said to involve that original timeline being torn, again – but this Terminator would mostly be anchored by a new, younger male lead (Paul Walker’s name keeps coming up – could he possibly be Lin’s pick for Kyle Reese?). Oh, and I think that’s where the rumors of the ‘original cast returning’ come into play – though it’s not so much the original cast as it is ‘the original characters’ from the original movie. Geddit? Like J.J’s Star Trek. [WhatsPlaying]

If Paul Walker’s name keeps coming up, I can only hope the context is “Who’s the worst actor in Hollywood?  Because we should totally cast the opposite of that guy.”  Did Justin Lin lose a bet with Paul Walker’s family or something?  This whole project just went from mission impossible to mission in frickin sanity.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON SLUTS, OOH WAH-AH AAH AAH!

Universal has just released the first full-length trailer for 5 Fast 5 Furious, the latest installment of The Franchise That P-Walks Built. This time around, we catch up with the crew in Brazil, and the gang’s all here:  Vin Diesel, Professor Cardboard, a model shaking her lustrous locks out of a motorcycle helmet, a couple of rappers, an Asian guy — it’s like the hottest hip-hop-themed stock photo catalog/shampoo commercial of the summer!  “You guys will never believe this, but I have a plan that involves cars.” “OH HELL NAW!”

Oh, and did I mention The Rock is in this one?  WRESTLING! BICEPS! CAR PORN! SLUTS! LISTEN UP, SMART GUY!  DO YOU LIKE PARKOUR?  BECAUSE IT’S TIME FOR… CARKOUR! TICK TICK TICK…. BASE JUMPING!

And then after a People’s Elbow or two, Tyrese shows up to deliver what’s apparently the film’s signature line: “This just went from Mission Impossible to mission In-Freakin-Sanity.”  Sure did, homie, you better make like a tree and get the hell out of there.
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While you probably remember Fred Durst as the multi-talented lead singer for Limp Bizkit, most famous for “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog-Flavored Water”, the War & Peace of early 2000s Florida rap-rock, the truth is that he’s also a film director, with two feature films already under his stud belt.  He’s currently in pre-production on a thriller he’s directing, and the word is that he’s cast Paul Walker.  That’s right, a collaboration between the 4 Fast 4 Furious guy and the Limp Bizkit guy.  It was only by the grace of God this hadn’t happened already.

Paul Walker is starring in Pawn Shop Chronicles, a thriller that Fred Durst will direct.

I hope it’s about a guy trying to get more than a dollar for his old Limp Bizkit CDs…

“This is a hillbilly Pulp Fiction,” said producer Steve Schur, calling the script “fast-moving and action-packed. It’s also very funny. It’s got all these elements to really pack a punch.”

Adds Durst, “It’s really gonna… BREAK YOUR F*CKIN’ FACE TONIIIIIGHT!” (*DJ scratching*)

The interconnected stories center on a missing wedding ring which leads to a wild-goose chase involving meth addicts, skinheads and an Elvis impersonator.
Actor-turned-scribe Adam Minarovich, who at one point worked in a pawn shop in North Carolina, wrote the script. [THR]

I’d love to see the look on this guy’s face when they told him, “Great news! Your script got bought and they’re turning it into a big Hollywood movie!”  (*dramatic pause*) “Starring Paul Walker and directed by Fred Durst!”

It was probably one of those days where he just didn’t wanna wake up.  I hope he told them where they could stick that cookie, if you know what I mean.

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Merry Ludacristmas, motherf*ckers, 5 Fast 5 Furious has a trailer.  Walker, Diesel, and Tyrese are back, teaming up with Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Ludacris, and probably a couple random sluts for the disappointingly-named 5i5th installment of the series, Fast Five.  Hijacking moving trucks?  Nah, son. This time we TOWIN’ HUGE BANK SAFES WITH OUR CARS!  HIT THE N0S! PUT ON THE GROUND EFFECTS!  IT’S TIME FOR CAR PORN AND PARKOUR!  OOH WHA AH AH-AH, CARKOUR!!!!

SPOILER ALERT!!!  (SERIOUSLY, SPOILERS EVERYWHERE UP IN THIS BITCH, MOSTLY ATTACHED TO THE BACKS OF CARS TO MAKE THEM GO FASTER)

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